Mortified Quotes

“Fuck cotton.”
― David Nadelberg, Mortified

“Dear Journal, Last year, my favorite expression was, “I feel like a sausage right now.” This year, I’ve decided on “Goodness gracious, great balls of meatloaf!” You can’t just think of a good expression, it comes to you when you are ready. That’s how I came up with meatloaf.”
― David Nadelberg, Mortified

“When it comes down to physical maturity, though, Jessica is tops. She is really developed, and has a meadow of pubic hair!”
― David Nadelberg, Mortified

“I have to act extra giving because I’m a Jew. Like if I’m in the food line to buy my Lorna Doones and tea in the morning, and some popular girl like Cindy McKlansky is in line in front of me, short of change or something, I have to give her money. I don’t have a choice, it’s a requirement. If I were Irish-Catholic, like a lot of people in my town, I could blow her off completely.”
― David Nadelberg, Mortified

“Will Buffy quit school? She doesn’t have a driver’s license.”
― David Nadelberg, Mortified

“I am in love in an illegal way with Seth Green.”
― David Nadelberg, Mortified

“Yup, she rejected me…but with legitimacy.”
― David Nadelberg, Mortified

“Then Friday I was so psyched! Sharon was gonna talk to Randi for me. I was gonna hit on Lisa. I had my cool shirt on and everything BUT Sharon was sick.”
― David Nadelberg, Mortified

“I think George Washington is very good.”
― David Nadelberg, Mortified

“I wish Dr. Martin Luther King was here at this time. I wish he was president. If Dr. King was here at this time, I wouldn’t be afraid of thunder.”
― David Nadelberg, Mortified

“The letter informed all parents that due to an accident wherein a camper was playing with matches, a fire quickly spread and burned two cabins to the ground. One of those cabins was mine. And that kid? It was Eddie, my bunkmate from before.”
― David Nadelberg, Mortified

“Less than a week after my parents finally came and pulled me out nearly a month early, we received a letter from the camp owners. It was dated the day after I left the camp.”
― David Nadelberg, Mortified

“Dear Mom and Dad, I can’t stand it anymore!!!”
― David Nadelberg, Mortified

“Now I know you hate my guts, because if you liked me, you wouldn’t torture me. Come up here on Saturday the 24th. If you send me one more of those crap letters, I’ll rip it up and burn it.”
― David Nadelberg, Mortified

“Dear Mom + Dad, I fuckin’ can’t stand this bastard camp!”
― David Nadelberg, Mortified

“What I left out from that list was that Eddie, the kid in the bunk bed over me, had accidentally dropped toothpaste down on me and then dropped a candle, which lit my blanket on fire.”
― David Nadelberg, Mortified

“Dear Mom and Dad, Camp is shitty and boring. Everything’s been going wrong. Such as: Jason borrowed my red short-sleeved shirt and lost it. My flashlight (still) isn’t working. I got a cut on my penis when I flunked my canoe test. I’m very homesick. I wish you could arrange so I can only stay 1 month instead of 2.”
― David Nadelberg, Mortified

“Have you developed any talent?”
― David Nadelberg, Mortified

“Do you still think it’s a toss up between Sean Connery, Harrison Ford, and Christian Slater for sexiest man alive?”
― David Nadelberg, Mortified

“Do you often enjoy frolicking purely on whims?”
― David Nadelberg, Mortified

“God, if you can hear me, please listen. This wonderful, religious person has done nothing to deserve this pain. Neither have I.”
― David Nadelberg, Mortified

“He created a wonderful performance which lasted one whole side of RIO plus the other side up to Save a Prayer.”
― David Nadelberg, Mortified

“He climbed on top of me like a baby tiger. Gentle but sort of aggressive. By now everything was off except for his bandana and we started to make love.”
― David Nadelberg, Mortified

“He climbed on top of me like a baby tiger.”
― David Nadelberg, Mortified

“This is too quiet. We need some music.” He got up and turned on the RIO album.”
― David Nadelberg, Mortified

“He poured a glass of wine and we both drank from it at the same time. Kinky, huh?”
― David Nadelberg, Mortified

“You know what? I bet this is test to see how good of an actress I am. If I can’t kiss Randy I will never be an actress, I must be strong.”
― David Nadelberg, Mortified

“It is becoming clear to me that I am destined for life in the fast lane.”
― David Nadelberg, Mortified

“Well its 9:30, I better get my beauty rest, even though I’m ugly.”
― David Nadelberg, Mortified

“Television is the future and I think we can do this.”
― David Nadelberg, Mortified