Mr. Emotionally Unstable Quotes

“Get your fucking hands off of my woman.” Clive lets out a screech. “I didn’t—I wasn’t—” he babbles as he cranes his head back to look up at— “Fitz?” “So you came here to steal what’s mine, to take my girl?” He ignores me, focused predator-like on Clive. “Just a misunderstanding.” “S-s-s-sorry, sir. I was here for her sister. My profile says ‘no fatties.’” In half a second, that imported shoe kicks out, and Clive’s flat on his ass on the floor of my café, feet waving in the air. “What the fuck did you say?” “Just, I—ah—” The heel of Fitz’s dress shoe grinds into Clive’s wrist. “Fitz!” I grab his arm, trying to haul him off. It’s granite under a velvet sleeve. I can’t budge him. He’s not even trying to resist me, his attention focused on Clive, who’s a sweaty, begging puddle on my black-and-white-checkered floor. “We seem to be having a miscommunication issue. What did you say?” Fitz’s eyes are scary dark. “I, uh… no, uh… f—” The boot grinds into his arm. “Fitz, please. Someone’s going to call the police.” “What did you say?” “Uh… no, uh… no goddesses. She’s too good for me.”
― Alina Jacobs, Mr. Emotionally Unstable

“I’m real close to burning down this fucking city.” I’m really trying to keep the smile on”
― Alina Jacobs, Mr. Emotionally Unstable

“Goddamn it. I could be at home rewatching Jane Austen remakes. Now we’re going to have dinner. I want this lobster mac ’n’ cheese.”
― Alina Jacobs, Mr. Emotionally Unstable

“I don’t have a boyfriend because I am not built for a soft man. I don’t listen, am mean, will talk back, talk shit for fun, and have about five different personalities. All of them bad.”
― Alina Jacobs, Mr. Emotionally Unstable

“Stay the fuck away from my girl. She has a number of cafés in the area. Know where they are, because I don’t want you within five blocks of any of them. I’ll know.”
― Alina Jacobs, Mr. Emotionally Unstable

“I’m not the sister who always has a boyfriend. I’m the boring sister, the smart sister.”
― Alina Jacobs, Mr. Emotionally Unstable

“Contrary to popular belief, girls only like brooding guys in their fan fiction and romance novels.”
― Alina Jacobs, Mr. Emotionally Unstable

“I’ve seen you message guys when you tried to online date. You’re mean and unpleasant.”
― Alina Jacobs, Mr. Emotionally Unstable

“No, I’m no longer that insecure teenage girl, but I did turn into a bitter middle-aged millennial woman who is so sick of men’s shit.”
― Alina Jacobs, Mr. Emotionally Unstable

“I’m like ninety percent sure it’s my weirdo neighbor, but I’m at that point in my thirties where if a guy wants to break into my house, do my laundry, and leave me home-cooked meals in individual portions, I’m cool with that.” Carolina grimaces. “He cleaned my bathroom,” I protest. “I’m not locking him out.”
― Alina Jacobs, Mr. Emotionally Unstable

“Yikes, are we circling back to the VeggieTales fan fiction that got us kicked out of Vacation Bible School the summer of sixth grade?” “I stand by that fan fiction.”
― Alina Jacobs, Mr. Emotionally Unstable

“I don’t have a boyfriend because I am not built for a soft man. I don’t listen”
― Alina Jacobs, Mr. Emotionally Unstable