The Invisible Orientation Quotes

“Some people misinterpret aesthetic appreciation, romantic attraction, or sexual arousal as being sexual attraction, only to realize later that they are asexual.”
― Julie Sondra Decker, The Invisible Orientation: An Introduction to Asexuality

“Asexual people are often told they will one day find "the one" and develop sexual feelings and the values society attaches to them. Many asexual folks have to hear this over and over and over again, which thrusts a perpetual image of immaturity upon them. Asexuality is not a signal that a person is necessarily stunted emotionally or physically, and feeling sexual attraction or inclination is not the line everyone must cross to be treated like an adult. Maturity should not be measured by willingness or inclination to seek out or accept sexual experiences. [p. 7]”
― Julie Sondra Decker, The Invisible Orientation: An Introduction to Asexuality

“If a person who has trouble believing sex could be unenjoyable can imagine a person they are not attracted to at all, and then try to imagine whether they could enjoy sex with that person, they might have some understanding of how an asexual person might be feeling about sex. Many asexual people feel that way about all potential partners. Just like most straight guys can’t imagine liking sex with another man, many asexual people would not enjoy the act—not because they’re doing it wrong, but because people just aren’t sexually attractive to them.”
― Julie Sondra Decker, The Invisible Orientation: An Introduction to Asexuality

“Maybe you find people aesthetically appealing, but since it never goes beyond that for you, you don’t know what to call yourself.”
― Julie Sondra Decker, The Invisible Orientation: An Introduction to Asexuality

“Asexuality awareness doesn’t become dangerous just because some people might mislabel themselves while they’re still figuring out their feelings. Lack of awareness is certainly dangerous to asexual people, though.”
― Julie Sondra Decker, The Invisible Orientation: An Introduction to Asexuality

“What ties most of these experiences together is that most asexual people have felt like outsiders in this aspect of their lives. Whether this bothers them is highly variable; some asexual people are totally comfortable on the outskirts, while others find it excruciating and devastating, feeling excluded and unable to participate in something so central to most people’s lives. That’s part of why discovering asexuality and connecting with others can be so liberating, even when it also brings new fears and questions.”
― Julie Sondra Decker, The Invisible Orientation: An Introduction to Asexuality

“But sexual orientation is not determined by whether someone has sex or who they have it with. Orientation is not a behavior—not for asexual people and not for anyone.”
― Julie Sondra Decker, The Invisible Orientation: An Introduction to Asexuality

“Maybe you’re partnered or even married, and you’re having a hard time getting a partner to understand that not desiring them a certain way doesn’t mean you don’t love them.”
― Julie Sondra Decker, The Invisible Orientation: An Introduction to Asexuality

“Invisibility means not being able to connect with others like you. It means being very likely to come to the conclusion that you are broken. It means seeing no boxes to check and being filled with fear or shame or frustration. It means being isolated in a way that is unimaginable to most people”
― Julie Sondra Decker, The Invisible Orientation: An Introduction to Asexuality

“Maybe you completely don’t relate if friends say someone’s sexy, and you’ve never randomly seen someone and thought “Oh wow, I’d do them.”
― Julie Sondra Decker, The Invisible Orientation: An Introduction to Asexuality

“Maybe you masturbate and that’s all you need or want to do—you have no desire to have this experience with a partner.”
― Julie Sondra Decker, The Invisible Orientation: An Introduction to Asexuality

“Maybe other people flirt with you and you don’t notice, or you say and do things that are interpreted as flirting when you meant nothing of the sort.”
― Julie Sondra Decker, The Invisible Orientation: An Introduction to Asexuality

“Maybe you’re very romantic and passionate, but just don’t find people attractive sexually, and you wonder whether a hopeless romantic like you could still be asexual.”
― Julie Sondra Decker, The Invisible Orientation: An Introduction to Asexuality

“Having most people assume you’re heterosexual means being treated like you’re heterosexual when you’re not, and while being treated heterosexual and “normal” does bring certain privileges, it is also alienating and erasing when it doesn’t fit one’s comfort level and participation with heterosexual culture and identity.”
― Julie Sondra Decker, The Invisible Orientation: An Introduction to Asexuality

“Cis heterosexual people rarely have to be in a situation in which they are the only cisgender heterosexual person in the room.”
― Julie Sondra Decker, The Invisible Orientation: An Introduction to Asexuality

“Actually, some asexual people celebrate sex—up to and including engaging in it themselves despite lack of sexual attraction. Some asexual people write stories or produce art depicting sexual situations and/or nudity. Some asexual people have no problem with consuming media that contains sexual content. They do not have to be attracted to other people to appreciate or create positive portrayals of these relationships. This can be especially difficult to explain if an asexual artist does create sexually explicit material, because people want to know whether they’re creating this because they secretly desire it. Or they might reverse the issue and suggest asexual people have no business creating this media—or that they can’t be good at it—if they don’t have personal experience. What artists choose to make art about has absolutely no bearing on what they’re attracted to or what they might want to experience themselves. Art can be used to express personal desires, but no one should assume someone must be doing so if that person depicts experiences or images contrary to personally expressed desires, and no one should use a person’s artwork or subject matter to invalidate claims. Asexual artists cannot be restricted to creating media that is devoid of sex. Asexual artists know and accept that most people are attracted sexually to others, so if they want to write realistic books or movies, they generally have to create at least some of their subjects with that dimension attached to them.”
― Julie Sondra Decker, The Invisible Orientation: An Introduction to Asexuality

“It is damaging and erasing to tell asexual people that being assumed heterosexual and experiencing heterosexual privilege is really the same as being heterosexual”
― Julie Sondra Decker, The Invisible Orientation: An Introduction to Asexuality

“Asexuality is a sexual orientation because it describes a person’s pattern of attraction (to no one). Asexuality is a mature state because it isn’t a term for what a person is before they develop their sexual orientation. Asexuality is a description because it is a word for explaining an experience, not a decision or a choice. Asexuality is a healthy status because it is not considered a mental or physical illness to not desire, pursue, or feel attraction that leads to sex. And it is a reasonable possibility because feeling sexual attraction or inclination toward others is not the default.”
― Julie Sondra Decker, The Invisible Orientation: An Introduction to Asexuality

“by and large LGBT issues are now acknowledged far and wide and asexual issues are still usually swept under the rug.”
― Julie Sondra Decker, The Invisible Orientation: An Introduction to Asexuality

“•   Maybe you’ve felt guilty in a relationship and have engaged in physical contact or sex just to avoid hurting the other person or felt ashamed of your lack of interest.”
― Julie Sondra Decker, The Invisible Orientation: An Introduction to Asexuality

“Maybe you have trouble pleasing a partner because you’re not into it and don’t really know what they would be into, either.”
― Julie Sondra Decker, The Invisible Orientation: An Introduction to Asexuality

“Maybe you look at people wearing something that’s supposed to be sexy and find yourself distracted by how impractical or bizarre it seems.”
― Julie Sondra Decker, The Invisible Orientation: An Introduction to Asexuality

“Maybe it frequently catches you off guard when someone points out another person’s sexual appeal, especially if they’re saying it about you.”
― Julie Sondra Decker, The Invisible Orientation: An Introduction to Asexuality

“Maybe you’ve realized you’re not attracted to cross-sex or cross-gender partners and assumed you must be gay, but have come to find that’s not it either.”
― Julie Sondra Decker, The Invisible Orientation: An Introduction to Asexuality

“Maybe you enjoy sex itself but don’t feel sexually attracted to a partner and find yourself wondering, “How can I be asexual if I like this?”
― Julie Sondra Decker, The Invisible Orientation: An Introduction to Asexuality

“•   Do you find other people sexy—in a way that makes you feel sexual desire or arousal, or a way that makes you think sex or sexual touching with that person would be satisfying (regardless of whether you’d actually do it)? If you don’t feel this with anyone, you may be asexual. •   Do you develop sexual attraction every once in a while, but don’t find its pursuit or satisfaction intrinsically rewarding? Some people would call that asexual. •   Do you think having sex (or the idea of having sex) is okay, but not very interesting or important? Could you take it or leave it, and find leaving it more convenient or preferable? Some people would call that asexual. •   Do you feel sexual attraction sometimes, but only rarely? You may be graysexual,* and you’ll have a lot in common with asexual people if you are. •   Do you sometimes develop sexual attraction when you’ve already developed other important connections with someone, but never feel sexually attracted to strangers, celebrities, or mere acquaintances? You may be demisexual,* and you’ll also have a lot in common with asexual people if you are. * Gray and demi identities are considered to be “on the asexual spectrum”—there are lots of in-betweens! See Part Two of this book for more discussion of romantic identities and types of asexual people, including the gray areas.”
― Julie Sondra Decker, The Invisible Orientation: An Introduction to Asexuality

“In a very distantly possible, scientific sense, yes, of course it’s possible that an asexual person who has never been sexually attracted to anyone could encounter someone in the world who inspires sexual attraction for them. If an experience is possible for most people, it makes sense to suggest that maybe a person who hasn’t experienced it still might. But responding to a non-straight orientation with “well, you never know, you might change” isn’t a practical or useful response; it suggests the responding person is processing asexuality as if it must be a passing phase. Sexual orientations are nothing but descriptions of patterns that have, so far in a person’s life, been predictable. Sexuality can be fluid, but there’s no reason to point this out as a way to suggest someone can, will, or should change.”
― Julie Sondra Decker, The Invisible Orientation: An Introduction to Asexuality

“If a straight guy had sex with a man and told people he’d hated it because he didn’t think he was gay, most people wouldn’t say “no, you must’ve just had bad gay sex, keep trying” or “no, you must’ve just had gay sex with the wrong partner, try someone else.” They’d usually believe him. Asexual people should be treated no differently.”
― Julie Sondra Decker, The Invisible Orientation: An Introduction to Asexuality

“It’s not terribly uncommon for an asexual person to try sex and think it’s pretty good or not bad. Some who aren’t too put off by sex with a person they’re not attracted to may enjoy the physical sensations and maybe the emotional intimacy, but the experience of sex does not change how they experience attraction. However,”
― Julie Sondra Decker, The Invisible Orientation: An Introduction to Asexuality

“many people believe men have higher sex drives, which may contribute somewhat to their seeking out sex even without attraction. They may be less likely to recognize anything different about how/why they seek out sex, especially since men aren’t as likely to be shamed for avoiding committed partnership or emotional attraction while still desiring sexual activity. If they’re sexually functional cisgender men, they may believe their ability to get erections and their response to stimuli means they can’t be asexual or that they must be sexually attracted to anyone with whom they enjoy sexual activities. Men are also popularly expected to define themselves through sexual conquests, lust, and bedroom performance, so sometimes they can be less likely to identify as asexual because they fear having their masculinity challenged. Also, more asexual men report being willing to have sex they don’t particularly want when pressured or invited; among men, sex is usually considered less of a “big deal” to try despite lack of interest, though there are, of course, asexual men who are sex repulsed. They”
― Julie Sondra Decker, The Invisible Orientation: An Introduction to Asexuality