How To Be Dead Quotes

“There's no 'I' in team. But there is 'tea'. So put the kettle on,”
― Dave Turner, How To Be Dead

“All the terror and fear these walls had witnessed had been caused by a hissy fit.”
― Dave Turner, How To Be Dead

“Every time you tell a lie an angel punches a unicorn in the face with a kitten.”
― Dave Turner, How To Be Dead

“Life is like a box of chocolates. It doesn't last very long if you're morbidly obese.”
― Dave Turner, How To Be Dead

“I am Death. I am merely a ferryman between your world and the next. I am not here to judge. I will mock, though.”
― Dave Turner, How To Be Dead

“As opposed to his bedroom proficiency, which was too little too early. Clitoral stimulation? Give it? He couldn't even spell it. I'm not entirely sure why I told you that. I may have had a drink.”
― Dave Turner, How To Be Dead

“At twenty-five, he had learned that there were three key stages to employment: A) 'Oh. This is new!' B) 'I don't know what I'm doing.' C) 'Could someone please stab me with this pen?”
― Dave Turner, How To Be Dead

“Quantum physics was put together on a Friday afternoon. That's why humanity will never figure it out. Some of the bits are the wrong way round.”
― Dave Turner, How To Be Dead

“A stranger is just an arsehole I haven't yet met.”
― Dave Turner, How To Be Dead

“If at first you don't succeed, torch the place and claim on the insurance.”
― Dave Turner, How To Be Dead

“Personally, I believe that love is merely a chemical imbalance that makes you forget your credit card limit.”
― Dave Turner, How To Be Dead

“The mists parted and a figure that haunts all of humanity's nightmares glided ethereally towards him. Its black cloak absorbed the street light. The scythe in its hand glimmered with the memory of a thousand dying suns. This guy had really made an effort with his Halloween costume. The image was ruined, though, when he crashed to the ground like he had been shot. His feet waving in the air, Dave could see the roller skates. 'A”
― Dave Turner, How To Be Dead