Disarming the Narcissist Quotes

“Being mindful means being aware of everything and certain of nothing”.”
― Wendy T. Behary, Disarming the Narcissist: Surviving and Thriving with the Self-Absorbed

“You press your internal mute button, power off your schemas, and take a full, unexasperated breath. If appropriate, you masterfully hold the narcissist accountable, or you move on. Where, formerly, your “noisy” mind would have had you feeling flustered, furious, full of self-doubt, or helpless, your distress now slides away like a fluffy omelet departs a well-prepared pan.”
― Wendy T. Behary, Disarming the Narcissist: Surviving and Thriving with the Self-Absorbed

“You may have heard the term “narcissistic injury.” This refers to the dynamic wherein, for a narcissist, saying a simple “I’m sorry” is like saying, “I am the worst human being on earth.” For all their bravado, they are easily injured by criticism, others’ disappointment in them, differing points of view, lack of notice or compliments, being ignored, and even their own mistakes. But you won’t necessarily know they are feeling injured, because they are masterful cover-up artists. Instead of appearing wounded, they will hurl the prickliest words at you, avoid you, or demand your applause for some other part of their wonderfulness. You may find yourself surrendering, offering an “I’m sorry” of your own in an effort to quell their unrelenting reactions and mend their tattered egos.”
― Wendy T. Behary, Disarming the Narcissist: Surviving and Thriving with the Self-Absorbed

“Based on their implicit and explicit memories of unmet childhood needs, many narcissists develop the notion that such needs will never be met later on in life. This fear is at the root of the narcissist’s flimsy and unanimated attachments to others. He compensates for the fear of not having his needs met through a well-executed excessively autonomous style. This combination of fear and overcompensation also leads to a lack of intimacy with himself, a void of self-knowing.”
― Wendy T. Behary, Disarming the Narcissist: Surviving and Thriving with the Self-Absorbed

“If we could read the secret history of our enemies, we should find in each man’s life sorrow and suffering enough to disarm all hostility. —Henry Wadsworth Longfellow”
― Wendy T. Behary, Disarming the Narcissist: Surviving and Thriving with the Self-Absorbed

“This limits, or even eliminates, their capacity to be empathic and remorseful. You may have heard the term “narcissistic injury.” This refers to the dynamic wherein, for a narcissist, saying a simple “I’m sorry” is like saying, “I am the worst human being on earth.”
― Wendy T. Behary, Disarming the Narcissist: Surviving and Thriving with the Self-Absorbed

“I will need no one” and “You owe me” are the resounding and self-affirming mantras of the narcissist.”
― Wendy T. Behary, Disarming the Narcissist: Surviving and Thriving with the Self-Absorbed

“In Parenting from the Inside Out (Siegel and Hartzell 2004), Daniel Siegel writes about the need for parents to make sense of their own early life experiences and to create healthy and coherent personal narratives so they can provide effective modeling and attuned communication and raise children who will thrive. Parents who learn how to connect the dots of their own journey through life have a heightened chance of offering loving and skillful discipline to their children.”
― Wendy T. Behary, Disarming the Narcissist: Surviving and Thriving with the Self-Absorbed

“Narcissism has robust value for children. It helps them express their physical and emotional discomfort, especially in the preverbal years. The child becomes angry, cries, and demands attention in order to obtain protection, approval, comfort, and playful engagement. This is healthy and developmentally appropriate behavior.”
― Wendy T. Behary, Disarming the Narcissist: Surviving and Thriving with the Self-Absorbed

“narcissism occurs along a spectrum within the human condition. Embodied in human nature itself is a tendency for narcissistic expression. And that isn’t all bad.”
― Wendy T. Behary, Disarming the Narcissist: Surviving and Thriving with the Self-Absorbed

“In an era of young girls clad in pink “Princess” T-shirts, a worrisome message emerges. That we have cause for concern is backed up by data on narcissism from surveys of college students and young adults indicating a culture of specialness and entitlement. It seems that more and more young women (and men) are adopting a disturbing ideology of self-government that I refer to as a narcisstocracy. Under this self-serving administration, they come to believe that the only things that matter in life are looking great, excelling in performance and achievement, winning the attention of important people, and positioning themselves well, and that if they do these things, the world will come right to their door. They aren’t concerned about the needs of others or the impact of their behavior on others unless it stymies their winner-take-all ambition, and gets in the way of getting what they want.”
― Wendy T. Behary, Disarming the Narcissist: Surviving and Thriving with the Self-Absorbed

“Like all narcissists, he hungers for glorified recognition, so it’s just a matter of time before he is captured by the throbbing pain of the deprived and lonely child within, who longs to be noticed in a special way. He tucks that annoying child back inside himself and reveals his ravenous appetite for recognition as an extraordinary human being—not an ordinary terrestrial, but something more akin to an archangel. With little tolerance for his simple longings for love and connection and little confidence in the possibility of achieving love and connection, the narcissist reaches for grand recognition and approval in a quest to affirm his prominently declared emotional independence. It is particularly difficult for him to escape the pain he feels when the honors being granted to him for his generosity aren’t spectacular enough or the spotlight fades too quickly.”
― Wendy T. Behary, Disarming the Narcissist: Surviving and Thriving with the Self-Absorbed

“For example, in an effort to not feel his awkwardness in a social setting, he will complain of being bored or will launch into one of his grandstanding monologues on some piece of esoteric wisdom. Consequentially, he will appear not only awkward, but rude and obnoxious as well.”
― Wendy T. Behary, Disarming the Narcissist: Surviving and Thriving with the Self-Absorbed

“I will need no one is the resounding and self-affirming mantra of the narcissist, particularly for male narcissists. You owe me is more often the female narcissist’s recurring refrain. These underlying themes are, of course, completely outside of the narcissist’s awareness—an automatic tune that plays repeatedly in the background thanks to well-grooved memories. This intricate memory system is also where self-preserving well-worn masks that assist in coping reside.”
― Wendy T. Behary, Disarming the Narcissist: Surviving and Thriving with the Self-Absorbed

“If you’re in a romantic relationship with a narcissist, he may feel the threatening emergence of that lonely little child the minute you ask him for a tour of his inner emotional domain, or even when you invite him to wander through yours. It’s likely that he fears making contact with the child, viewing him as a defective, lonely, and shameful little pest, so he’ll push him ever deeper out of his awareness in any way he can. In so doing, he pushes you away as well. This absence of emotional intimacy can leave you experiencing loneliness, even when the narcissist is right beside you. A”
― Wendy T. Behary, Disarming the Narcissist: Surviving and Thriving with the Self-Absorbed

“Spoiled-dependent. The narcissist in your life might best be characterized as having been spoiled as well as dependent. In this case, not only will he act entitled and feel superior (not surprising given the family modeling of a “we’re better than others” attitude), he may also feel dependent and incompetent, as his parents were always waiting on him and rescuing him instead of helping him develop the necessary skills of self-reliance and functionally appropriate dependence. As an adult, he may show up as entitled and expect to be doted on and indulged. Or he may avoid taking initiative and making decisions because he has an underlying fear of shamefully exposing his limitations and failures when tackling the everyday decisions of life. Deprived-dependent. Another combination that might characterize your narcissist is being both a deprived type and a dependent type. In this case he will be easily offended as well as dependent, needing others to constantly reassure him that he is great and manage life for him. Discreetly, he seeks out others to protect him from a deeply felt sense of shame about his defective, lonely, and inadequate self. He may come across as needy and hypersensitive, rather than demanding and show-offish. He may show signs of being addicted to self-soothing behaviors,”
― Wendy T. Behary, Disarming the Narcissist: Surviving and Thriving with the Self-Absorbed

“And while he may have a longer fuse, beware. When he’s forced to face the frustration of a challenging task or finds himself the butt of one too many jousts in verbal repartee, his sensitivity to feeling foolish and defective may either launch him into the tyrannical state of meanness typical of narcissists or cause him to disappear within his stonewalled, silent abyss.”
― Wendy T. Behary, Disarming the Narcissist: Surviving and Thriving with the Self-Absorbed

“These children are often criticized by one parent and made to feel that whatever they do is never really good enough. They may then be doted on, overprotected, or used as a surrogate spouse by the other parent. They may be compliant with their parents’ demands and expectations as a means of receiving their limited attention and dodging criticism and shame. In response to this profound emotional deprivation, manipulation, and control, and the stifling of his precious and vulnerable little self, the child develops an approach to life characterized by such principles as I will need no one, No one is to be trusted, I will take care of myself, or I’ll show you.”
― Wendy T. Behary, Disarming the Narcissist: Surviving and Thriving with the Self-Absorbed

“Narcissists are often self-absorbed and preoccupied with a need to achieve the perfect image (recognition, status, or being envied) and have little or no capacity for listening, caring, or understanding the needs of others. This self-absorption can leave them without a true and intimate connection to others—one that offers a feeling of being understood and being held safely and lovingly in the mind and heart of another person.”
― Wendy T. Behary, Disarming the Narcissist: Surviving and Thriving with the Self-Absorbed

“She may even be married to the previously described wiling warrior. Her needs, gallantly subjugated to his towering prowess, are only shared with those who will stroke her selflessness and provide her with an awe-filled “I don’t know how you do it.” Indeed, this lovely yet unabashed matron of martyrdom craves applause even as her self-effacing wisdom and perfectly perky posture leave us squirming, as if listening to the screech of nails on a chalkboard.”
― Wendy T. Behary, Disarming the Narcissist: Surviving and Thriving with the Self-Absorbed

“Women can be narcissistic too, but they tend to express these traits mostly within the domains of personal appearance or vanity, the status of their children or household, and their value as caregivers. In addition, narcissistic women are inclined toward more covert manifestations of this syndrome. They are likely to show up as martyrs, whiners, and gratuitous victims. Of course, you will also meet grand dames and divas, who look more like their male counterparts in their aggressive quest for attention and admiration.”
― Wendy T. Behary, Disarming the Narcissist: Surviving and Thriving with the Self-Absorbed

“I know it’s hard for you, given that no one has ever helped you tolerate feelings of disappointment or frustration, and because you were led to believe that you were superior to other people and entitled to special privileges. You were taught that the rules for everyone else don’t really apply to you. So it isn’t your fault, Louis. But in order to have the kinds of relationships you long for, you must work on these beliefs and behaviors or you’ll keep driving people away from you. Let’s try it again: tell me about the disappointment you feel when our time is up.”
― Wendy T. Behary, Disarming the Narcissist: Surviving and Thriving with the Self-Absorbed

“Most parents hope their children will grow up with wise and loving internal advocates and a healthy sense of entitlement, meaning they will maintain their sense of self-worth and recognize that they have a right to be respected and included.”
― Wendy T. Behary, Disarming the Narcissist: Surviving and Thriving with the Self-Absorbed

“Being mindful means being aware of everything and certain of nothing.”
― Wendy T. Behary, Disarming the Narcissist: Surviving and Thriving with the Self-Absorbed

“Everyone can appreciate feeling unique and special from time to time. Indeed, one of the reasons we fall in love or become attracted to someone is their ability to make us feel that way. However, the person who has an excessive need to feel unique and special expects everyone to make them feel that way all of the time. They can be easily displeased or even angered when others do not act to make them feel unique and special”
― Wendy T. Behary, Disarming the Narcissist: Surviving and Thriving with the Self-Absorbed

“The Lonely, Deprived Child The most popular theory is one we often encounter in the treatment room. It’s the story of a child who grew up feeling conditionally loved based on performance. His parents may have expected him to be the best, instilling that to be anything short of perfect is to be flawed, inadequate, and unlovable. He may have been taught that love is tentative and contingent, or that his emotional needs would be met if he achieved greatness. His parents may have sought pride and attention through his achievements, implying a less-than-perfect performance would devastate them. This scenario may be complicated by different treatment from each parent. These children are often criticized by one parent while doted on, overprotected, or used as a surrogate spouse by the other. They may comply with their parents’ demands and expectations to receive attention and dodge criticism and shame. In response to this profound emotional deprivation, manipulation, and stifling of the precious and vulnerable little self, the child develops an attitude of I will need no one, No one is to be trusted, I will take care of myself, or I’ll show you. He was not loved for being himself, and was neither guided nor encouraged in the discovery of his true inclinations. He was not made to feel completely safe and unquestionably cherished by a caregiver. He was not shown how to walk in someone else’s shoes—how to feel the inner emotional life of another person. There was no role model for empathy and attunement. He was left with shame and a sense of defectiveness, both from the direct criticism and from the withholding of emotional nourishment and, often, physical affection. He was made to feel there was something wrong with him, as if wanting comfort, attention, and understanding were weaknesses. In defense, he mustered up whatever safeguards he could to extinguish the pain.”
― Wendy T. Behary, Disarming the Narcissist: Surviving and Thriving with the Self-Absorbed

“The thoughts and feelings activated by your memories may not have any bearing on the present situation.”
― Wendy T. Behary, Disarming the Narcissist: Surviving and Thriving with the Self-Absorbed

“The Addictive Self-Soother When dealing with the addictive self-soother, recognize that you’re with someone who is in a state of unknowing avoidance. The intolerable discomfort associated with his unrecognized loneliness, shame, and disconnection when the spotlight isn’t casting its shimmering glow upon him sends him hiding beneath the floorboards once again. He may be engrossed in workaholism, drinking binges, spending marathons, or voracious Internet surfing. He may indulge in the delivery of yet another tiring oration on some esoteric or controversial subject, not necessarily because he’s seeking attention, but in an effort to avoid feeling the throbbing pulse of his aloneness and fragility. You may go knocking, but he doesn’t come out. He can’t risk being seen au naturel, with all of his emotions, needs, and longings revealed. You’re expected to pander to his selective emotional departures and not request his presence, regardless of the emotional costs to you.”
― Wendy T. Behary, Disarming the Narcissist: Surviving and Thriving with the Self-Absorbed