Pretty Good Joke Book Quotes

“When NASA started sending up astronauts, they discovered that ballpoint pens don’t work in zero gravity. So they spent twelve million dollars and more than a decade developing a pen that writes under any condition, on almost every surface. The Russians used a pencil.”
― Garrison Keillor, A Prairie Home Companion Pretty Good Joke Book

“Computers can never completely replace humans. They may become capable of artificial intelligence, but they will never master real stupidity.”
― Garrison Keillor, A Prairie Home Companion Pretty Good Joke Book

“Never say anything bad about a man until you’ve walked a mile in his shoes. By then he’s a mile away, you’ve got his shoes, and you can say whatever you want to.”
― Garrison Keillor, A Prairie Home Companion Pretty Good Joke Book

“I longed for the pitter-patter of little feet, so I got a dog. It’s cheaper, and you get more feet.”
― Garrison Keillor, A Prairie Home Companion Pretty Good Joke Book

“Three people were going to the guillotine. The first was a lawyer, who was led to the platform, blindfolded, and had his head put on the block. The executioner pulled the lanyard, but nothing happened. To avoid a messy lawsuit, the authorities allowed the lawyer to go free. The next man to the guillotine was a priest. They put his head on the block and pulled the lanyard, but nothing happened. The blade didn’t come down. They thought it must have been divine intervention, so they let the priest go. The third man to the guillotine was an engineer. He waived his right to a blindfold, so they led him to the guillotine and put his head on the block. As he lay there, he said, “Hey, wait. I think I see your problem.”
― Garrison Keillor, A Prairie Home Companion Pretty Good Joke Book

“Did you know that half of all people are below average?”
― Garrison Keillor, A Prairie Home Companion Pretty Good Joke Book

“I have seen the truth and it makes no sense.”
― Garrison Keillor, A Prairie Home Companion Pretty Good Joke Book

“The drag queen walks into a Catholic church as the priest is coming down the aisle swinging the incense pot. And he says to the priest, “Oh, honey, I love your dress, but did you know your handbag’s on fire?”
― Garrison Keillor, A Prairie Home Companion Pretty Good Joke Book

“How many consultants does it take to change a lightbulb? I’ll have an estimate for you a week from Monday.”
― Garrison Keillor, A Prairie Home Companion Pretty Good Joke Book

“James Brown went to the pearly gates and met St. Peter who took him to a room where Jerry Garcia was playing and Jimi Hendricks and Jim Morrison and Janis Joplin. James Brown says, “I was worried maybe I was going to hell, but I guess not.” Jerry Garcia says “You think this is heaven?” Just then Lawrence Welk walked in and says “All right, one more time. ‘The Anniversary Waltz.’ And a one and a two and a one, two, three…”
― Garrison Keillor, A Prairie Home Companion Pretty Good Joke Book

“How many pessimists does it take to change a lightbulb? Never mind. Nobody would get the joke anyway.”
― Garrison Keillor, A Prairie Home Companion Pretty Good Joke Book

“How many therapists does it take to change a lightbulb? How many therapists do you think it takes to change a lightbulb?”
― Garrison Keillor, A Prairie Home Companion Pretty Good Joke Book

“Sometimes I think I understand everything—then I regain consciousness.”
― Garrison Keillor, A Prairie Home Companion Pretty Good Joke Book

“What’s another word for “thesaurus”?”
― Garrison Keillor, A Prairie Home Companion Pretty Good Joke Book

“The teacher was asking her students what their parents did for a living, and Timmy stood up and said, “My daddy’s a doctor and my mommy’s a doctor too.” And little Sarah stood up and said, “My mommy’s an engineer and my daddy’s an accountant.” And then little Billy stands up and says, “My mommy’s a writer and my daddy plays the piano in a whorehouse.” The teacher was horrified and later she called Billy’s father, and said, “Why would you ever tell your child a thing like that?” And the father said, “Well, actually I’m a defense lawyer. But how do you explain a thing like that to a seven-year-old?”
― Garrison Keillor, A Prairie Home Companion Pretty Good Joke Book

“Woman: Did you know that women are smarter than men? Man: No, I didn’t. Woman: See what I mean?”
― Garrison Keillor, A Prairie Home Companion Pretty Good Joke Book

“was asking what the difference was between mime and pantomime and no one would say.”
― Garrison Keillor, A Prairie Home Companion Pretty Good Joke Book

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― Garrison Keillor, Pretty Good Joke Book