Best Adult Jokes Ever Quotes

“A man bumps into a woman in a hotel lobby and as he does, his elbow goes into her breast. They are both quite startled.       The man turns to her and says, 'Ma'am, I'm so sorry, but if your heart is as soft as your breast, I know you'll forgive me.' Without batting an eye, she replies, 'If your thing is as hard as your elbow, I'll be in room 221.'   5”
― E. King, Best Adult Jokes Ever

“A man walks into the toy store to get a Barbie doll for his daughter. So he asks the assistant, as you would, "How much is Barbie?"      "Well," she says, "we have Barbie Goes to the Gym for $19.95, Barbie Goes to the Ball for $19.95, Barbie Goes Shopping for $19.95, Barbie Goes to the Beach for $19.95, Barbie Goes Nightclubbing for $19.95, and Divorced Barbie for $265.00."       "Hey, hang on," the guy asks, "why is Divorced Barbie $265.00 when all the others are only $19.95?"        "Yeah, well, it's like this....Divorced Barbie comes with Ken's house, Ken's car, Ken's boat, Ken's furniture...”
― E King, Best Adult Jokes Ever

“Q: Why are hurricanes normally named after women? A: When they come they're wild and wet, but when they go they take your house and car with them.”
― E. King, Best Adult Jokes Ever

“92 The National Poetry Contest had come down to two, a Yale graduate and a redneck from Texas. They were given a word, then allowed two minutes to study the word and come up with a poem that contained the word. The word they were given was "Timbuktu." First to recite his poem was the Yale graduate. He stepped to the microphone and said: Slowly across the desert sand Trekked a lonely caravan; Men on camels, two by two Destination Timbuktu. The crowd went crazy! No way could the redneck top that, they thought. The redneck calmly made his way to the microphone and recited: Me and Tim a huntin' went. Met three whores in a pop up tent. They was three, and we was two, So I bucked one, and Timbuktu. The redneck won hands down!”
― E. King, Best Adult Jokes Ever

“Little Johnny is taking a shower with his mother and says, “Mom, what are those things on your chest?”
― E. King, Best Adult Jokes Ever

“Sometimes women are overly suspicious of their husbands. When Adam stayed out very late for a few nights, Eve became upset.      "You're running around with other women," she charged.      "You're being unreasonable," Adam responded. "You're the only woman on earth." The quarrel continued until Adam fell asleep, only to be awakened by someone poking him in the chest. It was Eve.      "What do you think you're doing?" Adam demanded.      "Counting your ribs!”
― E. King, Best Adult Jokes Ever

“A man had to attend a large convention in Chicago. On this particular trip he decided to bring his wife. When they arrived at their hotel and were shown to their room, the man said: "You rest here while I register - I'll be back within an hour."       The wife lies down on the bed... just then; an elevated train passes by very close to the window and shakes the room so hard she's thrown out of the bed. Thinking this must be a freak occurrence, she lies down once more. Again a train shakes the room so violently, she's pitched to the floor.       Exasperated, she calls the front desk, asks for the manager. The manager says he'll be right up. The manager (naturally) is skeptical but the wife insists the story is true. "Look,... lie here on the bed - you'll be thrown right to the floor!"       So he lies down next to the wife... Just then the husband walks in. "What," he says, "are you doing here?"       The manager replies: "Would you believe I'm waiting for a train?”
― E. King, Best Adult Jokes Ever

“A man lies on his death bed, surrounded by his family: a weeping wife and four children. Three of the children are tall, good looking and athletic; but, the fourth and youngest is an ugly runt.      "Darling wife," the husband whispers, " assure me that the youngest child really is mine. I want to know the truth before I die, I will forgive you if ..."      The wife gently interrupts him. "Yes, my dearest, absolutely, no question, I swear on my mother's grave that you are his father."      The man then dies, happy. The wife mutters under her breath: "Thank God he didn't ask about the other three.”
― E. King, Best Adult Jokes Ever

“The patrolman had been slipping in and out of a coma for several months, yet his partner for 20 years stood by his side every single day. One day, when he came out of coma, he motioned for him to come nearer. As he sat by him, he whispered, eyes full of tears, "You know what? You have been with me all through the bad times. Every time I got brought up on departmental charges, you were there to support and cover me. The three times I got shot during those narcotics busts, you were there. When I got kicked off the force and lost my house, you were there for me. When my wife left me, you were still by my side. You know what? "What?" He gently asked, smiling as his heart began to fill with warmth. "I think you're fuckin' bad luck!!”
― E King, Best Adult Jokes Ever

“Ten blondes and a brunette were hanging onto a rope that was tied to an airplane. They knew that one of them needed to let go because the weight of all eleven of them would tear the rope and they would all die.      So, they argued back and forth about who was to let go. This went on for a few minutes, until the brunette finally said, "Ok, I'll let go!"       The brunette gave a little speech about why she would go and said her farewells. All of the blondes were so touched, they started clapping. Problem solved.”
― E King, Best Adult Jokes Ever

“Once upon a time, there lived a man who had a terrible passion for baked beans. He loved them, but they always had an embarrassing and somewhat lively reaction on him. One day he met a girl and fell in love. When it was apparent that they would marry, he thought to himself 'She'll never go for me carrying on like that,' so he made the supreme sacrifice and gave up beans, and shortly after that they got married.      A few months later, on the way home from work, his car broke down and since they lived in the country, he called his wife and told her he would be late because he had to walk. On his way home, he passed a small cafe and the wonderful aroma of baked beans overwhelmed him. Since he still had several miles to walk he figured he could walk off any ill affects before he got home. So he went in and ordered, and before leaving had three extra-large helpings of baked beans. All the way home he farted. He 'putted' down one hill and 'putt-putted' up the next. By the time he arrived home he felt reasonably safe.      His wife met him at the door and seemed somewhat excited. She exclaimed, 'Darling, I have the most wonderful surprise for you for dinner tonight!' She put a blindfold on him, and led him to his chair at the head of the table and made him promise not to peek. At this point he was beginning to feel another one coming on. Just as she was about to remove the blindfold, the telephone rang. She again made him promise not to peek until she returned, and she went to answer the phone.       While she was gone, he seized the opportunity. He shifted his weight to one leg and let go. It was not only loud, but *ripe* as a rotten egg.        He had a hard time breathing, so he felt for his napkin and fanned the air about him. He had just started to feel better, when another urge came on. He raised his leg and 'rrriiiipppp!' It sounded like a diesel engine revving, and smelled worse. To keep from gagging, he tried fanning his arms a while, hoping the smell would dissipate. Things had just about returned to normal when he felt another urge coming. He shifted his weight to his other leg and let go. This was a real blue ribbon winner; the windows rattled, the dishes on the table shook and a minute later the flowers on the table were dead. While keeping an ear tuned in on the conversation in the hallway, and keeping his promise of staying blindfolded, he carried on like this for the next ten minutes, farting and fanning them each time with his napkin.      When he heard the 'phone farewells' (indicating the end of his loneliness and freedom) he neatly laid his napkin on his lap and folded his hands on top of it. Smiling contentedly, he was the picture of innocence when his wife walked in. Apologizing for taking so long, she asked if he had peeked at the dinner. After assuring her he had not, she removed the blindfold and yelled, 'Surprise!'      To his shock and horror, there were twelve dinner guests seated around the table for his surprise birthday party.”
― E King, Best Adult Jokes Ever

“A woman takes her 16-year-old daughter to the doctor. The doctor says, "Okay, Mrs. Jones, what's the problem?"       The mother says, "It's my daughter Darla. She keeps getting these cravings, she's putting on weight, and is sick most mornings."       The doctor gives Darla a good examination, then turns to the mother and says, "Well, I don't know how to tell you this, but your Darla is pregnant-- about 4 months, would be my guess."       The mother says, "Pregnant?! She can't be, she has never ever been left alone with a man! Have you, Darla?"       Darla says, "No mother! I've never even kissed a man!"       The doctor walked over to the window and just stares out it. About five minutes pass and finally the mother says, "Is there something wrong out there doctor?"       The doctor replies, "No, not really, it's just that the last time anything like this happened, a star appeared in the east and three wise men came over the hill. I'll be damned if I'm going to miss it this time!”
― E King, Best Adult Jokes Ever

“One evening a husband comes home to his apartment very roughed up. When his wife sees him she asks, "What happened to you?"       "I got into a fight with the apartment manager."        "Whatever for?"       "He said he had slept with every woman in the complex except one!"       The woman replied, "I bet it's that snooty Mrs. Gellar on the third floor.”
― E King, Best Adult Jokes Ever

“Two guys sneak into a farmer's fruit garden and start eating the fruit. The farmer sees them and comes out with a shotgun. "Since you guys like fruit so much go pick 100 of which ever fruit you want," said the farmer.       The first guy decides to pick grapes. When he gets 100 he goes back to the farmer.       The farmer says,"now shove em' all up your ass."       The guy gets all 100 up his ass. He feels really bad, but then e starts to laugh.       "Why you laughing?" asked the farmer.       To which the man replied, "My friend is out picking watermelons!”
― E King, Best Adult Jokes Ever