Critical Failures II Quotes

“Then five or six more residual traps fired off at greater intervals. And then nothing. “Dude,” said Dave. “What have you got against horses?” “It had to be done.” “And that,” said Tim, “is how you disarm a room full of traps.”
― Robert Bevan, Critical Failures II: Fail Harder

“Three of Rostand the Baker’s seven children have conspicuously blue eyes and blond hair, much like Stanford P. Ames, the smithy who was found dead in his kitchen with forty-seven stab wounds in his back. Police called it a suicide, but there are rumors.”
― Robert Bevan, Critical Failures II: Fail Harder

“Well,” said Tim. “They pat us down pretty good, and take all of our weapons before we go in. We’re going to have to smuggle in the stake.” “And how do you propose to do that?” asked Frank. The grimace on his face suggested he already had a pretty good idea of what the answer was going to be. “We’ve got to shove it up Cooper’s ass.” Frank sighed. “Of course you do.”
― Robert Bevan, Critical Failures II: Fail Harder

“How’s this for clear? If I catch you so much as glancing in my wife’s general direction, I’ll carve out your eyes while you sleep and fill the sockets with your testicles.” Cooper frowned. “Dude, that’s kinda fucked up.”
― Robert Bevan, Critical Failures II: Fail Harder

“Fuck you, Dave,” said Cooper. “I got confused. You know that trick where you put your hands out in front of you, and the left one looks like the letter L?” “Yeah.” “Well I'm illiterate now. I don't know what the letter L looks like.”
― Robert Bevan, Critical Failures II: Fail Harder

“Do you really think drowning him in your piss is going to rectify the situation.”
― Robert Bevan, Critical Failures II: Fail Harder