Traumatic Narcissism Quotes

“Balint introduced his concept of primary love (Balint, 1937) specifically to refute Freud's concept of primary narcissism. Balint believed, like Ferenczi and Suttie, that human beings are relationally oriented from the beginning. In the stage of primary love, mother and child ideally live interdependently, with boundaries blurred, in “an harmonious interpenetrating mix-up” (Balint, 1968). He saw the origin of psychopathology in disruptions and failures of this primary love experience. He observed that analysands, often after reaching more mature forms of relating to the analyst, would regress to the level of “the basic fault” (1968), the area of the personality formed by traumatic disruptions of the state of primary love. Analysands would then seek to use their analysis for the purpose of making a “new beginning.” The new beginning helps the analysand to “free himself of complex, rigid, and oppressive forms of relationship to his objects of love and hate … and to start simpler, less oppressive forms” (Balint, 1968, p. 134). Balint spoke memorably of the analyst's stance at this stage: the analyst … must allow his patients to relate to, or exist with, him as if he were one of the primary substances. This means that he should be but like water carries the swimmer or the earth carries the walker … [H]e must be there, must always be there, and must be indestructible—as are water and earth.”
― Daniel Shaw, Traumatic Narcissism: Relational Systems of Subjugation

“Ari spent most of a year splenetically venting, about his wife, his son, his partners, his employees, etc. Feeling shut out, I often found myself shuttling between resentment, detachment, and feeling intimidated. Eventually, I understood that I was withdrawing, withholding a necessary confrontation, in retaliation for the narcissistic injury I felt about my perceived lack of impact on him. This understanding helped me to reorganize and mobilize the assertiveness I needed in order to reach Ari. One day, I finally raised my voice and said, quite loudly, “You know, I would like to say some things to you, but I’m afraid if you don't like what you hear, you will bite my head off, possibly literally.” Ari looked up at me with his sharp, penetrating eyes, and I was scared. I was quite surprised and touched, though, to see Ari's eyes go moist, his face reddening.”
― Daniel Shaw, Traumatic Narcissism: Relational Systems of Subjugation