Conquering Shame and Codependency Quotes

“Denial is the biggest obstacle to healing, and the denial around shame is immense, undoubtedly because shame is our most painful emotion. Some people who have belonged to a Twelve Step program for decades are unaware of how deeply shame controls them”
― Darlene Lancer, Conquering Shame and Codependency: 8 Steps to Freeing the True You

“To break the polarization, we need to avoid distancing when we feel smothered and avoid pursuing when we feel abandoned. Change takes tremendous strength and courage and requires us to be aware of our fears and the defenses we use to avoid closeness, shame, and emptiness. When pursuers refrain from making demands and tire of pursuing, and distancers stop defending and running, they each experience their fears and emptiness.17 When we finally stop and face these uncomfortable feelings, we can accept them for what they are. This acceptance reduces our anxiety and helps us redirect our energy toward becoming whole. Eventually, we’ll know that if the relationship doesn’t work out, we’ll be fine.”
― Darlene Lancer, Conquering Shame and Codependency: 8 Steps to Freeing the True You

“Chronic, or internalized, shame is a pervasive symptom of codependency and addiction. It’s an open, unhealed wound that can seep into our soul and spread like a virus, creating negative ideas about ourselves that silently eat away at our confidence, effectiveness, and happiness, often without our awareness. At this point, not only is shame intensified, but it no longer needs an external event or another person to trigger associated feelings and thoughts. The original shaming event(s) and beliefs needn’t be recalled nor be conscious. Once internalized, shame shadows us. We can evoke it all by ourselves, through self-criticism, self-imposed standards or goals, or comparing ourselves to others. We generalize our shortcomings and mistakes—they reveal more than a particular flaw. They’re absolute proof of our inherent inadequacy or inferiority, and they’re made worse by exposure to someone else. Internalized shame plays a major role in shaping our personality.”
― Darlene Lancer, Conquering Shame and Codependency: 8 Steps to Freeing the True You

“Shame destroys our dreams and stifles our talents, and as much as we want to love and be loved, it sabotages our relationships. As I researched and wrote Conquering Shame and Codependency, the insidious way shame undermines us became even clearer to me. My work with individuals and couples became more focused and effective. My clients’ self-awareness, moods, and behaviors exponentially improved. Healing shame is powerful medicine.”
― Darlene Lancer, Conquering Shame and Codependency: 8 Steps to Freeing the True You

“It took time for me to trust Al-Anon, but eventually I understood that I was attending meetings for me. I got to know myself, improved my self-esteem, developed friendships, discovered new activities, and became more assertive. I found the courage to leave that relationship and my profession and to become a marriage and family therapist—a livelihood more suited to my true self. Yet even after that relationship ended, my experiences with men continued to belie my conscious belief that my self-worth was now intact and that I deserved love. Although I wasn’t being abused, I rationalized settling for less than I needed. I discovered that I lacked kindness toward myself and that I never really felt lovable, even as a child. I had found the enemy—and it was me. Shame, along with fears of rejection and abandonment, had ruled me. They caused me to be defensive and to hide, doubt, and judge myself, rather than honor what I truly wanted. Most damaging was that shame had caused me to make poor decisions that had traumatic consequences. In addition, a series of rejections, losses, and health problems revealed the depth of my shame and challenged my will to live.”
― Darlene Lancer, Conquering Shame and Codependency: 8 Steps to Freeing the True You

“I didn’t fully trust or value myself or even know who I really was outside of the roles I played. I’d given up so much of my real self in my primary relationship that I’d become isolated from my friends and family. I’d stopped trying new things and didn’t take pleasure in activities by myself—I wouldn’t even watch television alone! I’d lost touch with my feelings and stopped thinking about my needs. Instead, I readily accepted blame for my situation. Bit by bit, I was dying inside—so slowly that I didn’t notice it.”
― Darlene Lancer, Conquering Shame and Codependency: 8 Steps to Freeing the True You

“Shame distorts perceptions, so we may feel humiliated by someone even when the person has done nothing to humiliate us.”
― Darlene Lancer, Conquering Shame and Codependency: 8 Steps to Freeing the True You

“Becoming independent and self-supporting is a milestone that, if not reached, can trigger a sense of failure for not meeting societal norms for success.”
― Darlene Lancer, Conquering Shame and Codependency: 8 Steps to Freeing the True You