Pigeonwings Quotes

“Remember Sodom and Gomorrah? A city destroyed because some of the men were gay!" "Now, you weren’t there, Andy." "And you were?" "No," Michael lied, "but it really wasn’t about sexuality.”
― Heide Goody, Pigeonwings

“There has also been the problem of the disquieting rumblings from my gut. I had a fearful prescience that something truly foul and hellish wishes to escape my fundament. I fight it as I would fight the very devil (who lives in the flat above) and so far I have managed to quell and contain my riotous innards.”
― Heide Goody, Pigeonwings

“Trust a bloody angel to take four sentences and two Biblical references to say, ‘bugger me, isn’t there a lot of choice at Tesco.”
― Heide Goody, Pigeonwings

“Clovenhoof looked at the man critically. He wasn’t what Clovenhoof regarded as a proper plumber. This young man’s jeans were secured with a belt above the bum-crack line, there wasn’t a cigarette poking out of the corner of his mouth or tucked behind his ear and, when he spoke to Clovenhoof, he didn’t address him as ‘guv’nor’.”
― Heide Goody, Pigeonwings

“Actually, Jeremy Clovenhoof decided, stopping outside the door of flat 1a, if there was one advantage to being the devil, it was the horns. From opening beer bottles to ruining perfectly decent hats to using them to store doughnuts, bagels and naan breads when your hands were otherwise busy, horns were the business.”
― Heide Goody, Pigeonwings

“No, Jeremy,” said Michael solemnly. “If this is what God intended then it is beautiful. The Almighty does not have off days.” “Yeah. Tell that to the duck-billed platypus. Or the naked mole rat.”
― Heide Goody, Pigeonwings

“Put the loo roll in the fridge, that curry's a real ring-burner!”
― Heide Goody, Pigeonwings

“Kindness in words creates confidence. Kindness in thinking creates profoundness. Kindness in giving creates love. It”
― Heide Goody, Pigeonwings

“And as for this woman… she’s seems to be wearing very little. Do you think it would have been either moral or practical to wear such skimpy frivolities on a damp fifth century hillside?”
― Heide Goody, Pigeonwings

“The first tapestry she saw depicted Cain and Abel. It was lucky that there was a title emblazoned over the top otherwise Nerys might have imagined it was some sort of harvest festival scene. One of them held a lamb in his arms and the other offered a basket of vegetables toward the central figure who looked like - Nerys stepped forward to take a better look. "Morgan Freeman?" she said.”
― Heide Goody, Pigeonwings

“You’re quite clearly gay. Are angels allowed to be gay?" "Oh, it’s all but compulsory for angelic beings to maintain a happy and optimistic attitude.”
― Heide Goody, Pigeonwings

“You remember back in the old days when God gave out immortality all over the place like sweets?" "Not immortality, Michael. Longevity, never immortality. Methuselah clocked up nine hundred and sixty-nine years." "Adam lived for nine hundred and thirty years. His surviving son, Seth, lived for nine hundred and twelve." "But all of them died.”
― Heide Goody, Pigeonwings

“I’m Opal," said the petite Australian over her shoulder as she marched them down a corridor. Her posture was as uncompromising as her pace. Jayne tried to stand a little straighter, but couldn't help feeling like a geriatric ox lumbering after Tinkerbell.”
― Heide Goody, Pigeonwings

“But it’s all secure. Perfectly safe." Sebastian thumped the genuine stonework to make his point. A piece of stone fell from on high and landed on the abbot’s open-sandaled foot.”
― Heide Goody, Pigeonwings

“Spring finally came to Bardsey, and the island acted as a handy stopover for multiple species of migratory birds who returned to Britain every year in the perpetual belief that the summer climate would suit them perfectly.”
― Heide Goody, Pigeonwings

“Ben made a doubtful noise, not impolite as such but suggesting that Ewan’s theories were as believable as the tooth fairy, the Easter bunny and the snot troll that Clovenhoof left weekly offerings for.”
― Heide Goody, Pigeonwings

“The road of excess leads to the palace of wisdom," he intoned. "You never know what is enough unless you know what is more than enough.”
― Heide Goody, Pigeonwings

“Angela’s run into a spot of bother on her holiday." "Oh. Lost her luggage?" "Kidnapped by rebels, I believe.”
― Heide Goody, Pigeonwings

“You've catalogued key messages from the Bible, the Qur'an, the Torah, the I-Ching, Dear Deirdre and Lolcats?”
― Heide Goody, Pigeonwings

“The abbot’s stony expression spoke volumes. It quite clearly said, "I’m listening, Novice Stephen, but if this is a stupid or infuriating idea it will be your bones that are sold on the black market." The expression was so clearly readable that it had punctuation and everything.”
― Heide Goody, Pigeonwings

“Clovenhoof advised Michael on the most suitable meal for his unworldly constitution. "Tindaloo, every time. You'll love it." "It is a musical name," said Michael. "It sounds delicate and refreshing.”
― Heide Goody, Pigeonwings

“There had been no angels or harps or drifting clouds in a perfect blue sky. Instead, there was a city of white stone and dazzling architecture, sort of how Venice might look if they had a tidy up and did something about the smell and the pickpockets. Nonetheless, it had definitely been heaven.”
― Heide Goody, Pigeonwings

“For six days, work is to be done," said Michael sternly, "but the seventh day shall be your holy day, a day of Sabbath rest to the Lord. Whoever does any work on it is to be put to death.”
― Heide Goody, Pigeonwings

“The closest thing to a compliment he had ever heard anyone pay Birmingham was that it was in the middle of the country so you could at least run away from it in any direction you wanted.”
― Heide Goody, Pigeonwings

“If there was one advantage to being the devil it was that you were expected to be bad. It was part of the territory, it was in his contract. It was stamped throughout his metaphysical DNA like the name of the grimmest, shittiest seaside town in the grimmest, shittiest stick of rock ever.”
― Heide Goody, Pigeonwings

“I’m driving the minibus on Saturday, right?" "No, I’ve promised Darren he can do it." "What?" "He does at least know how to drive." "Hang on, you’ve seen me on Grand Theft Auto. I’m a driving genius." Michael shook his head. "We’re taking the cubs to the museum, Jeremy. If I ever need anyone to cruise round, picking up prostitutes and getting into car chases with the police, I’ll ask you." "I will hold you to that," Clovenhoof pouted and dragged himself back into the funeral parlour, grumbling as he went.”
― Heide Goody, Pigeonwings

“Michael returned from the toilet. He nudged Clovenhoof discreetly in the ribs. "Can I show you something?" Michael started to pull a jar from his jacket pocket, but Clovenhoof's hand pushed it firmly back in. "No. Not now, not ever. I look at my own poo. I quite often think I'd like to show other people when it's a good one, but I've learned that nobody's all that keen.”
― Heide Goody, Pigeonwings