A Load of Hooey Quotes

“If you’re ever feeling poorly about yourself, about your lack of achievement, your utter inconsequentiality, your ridiculous little life lived in the shadows—take a moment and write some Internet reviews of other people’s work.”
― Bob Odenkirk, A Load of Hooey

“Jesus Christ went by the name Jesus and was only called “Geez” by his closest friends.”
― Bob Odenkirk, A Load of Hooey

“If I had my life to live over again, I would focus on the getting and eating of ice cream.”
― Bob Odenkirk, A Load of Hooey

“OTHER BOOKS BY THIS AUTHOR SO YOU WANT TO WRITE A BOOK? In this masterpiece of the how-to genre, Bob Odenkirk asks his readers questions such as You want to write a book? Really? Why? Wasn’t this one good enough for you? What about the other twenty billion books you can pick up for free at the library? Oh, I get it, none of them contain your life story. Are you sure? Have you checked? Double-check.”
― Bob Odenkirk, A Load of Hooey

“He laughed aloud, right in my face, at the notion. Here I was, having been farted upon and laughed at all in the space of a few seconds. I felt smaller than a raisin—a small raisin.”
― Bob Odenkirk, A Load of Hooey

“If you can dream it, you can do it. Not ‘you.’ I mean ‘me.’ I was talking to myself. Did you hear me just now? Forget I said that.” —Walt Disney”
― Bob Odenkirk, A Load of Hooey

“An Angel of the Lord came unto me. I thought that was cool. Worth mentioning, anyways.”
― Bob Odenkirk, A Load of Hooey

“MY BELT is too long. I had to add a hole to it and it looks homemade and crappy and the excess belt just hangs out there, FLAPPING ABOUT.”
― Bob Odenkirk, A Load of Hooey

“TV has gone down the craphole…and NO, that was NOT the third point.”
― Bob Odenkirk, A Load of Hooey

“Point three has been CUT. You WILL NEVER KNOW what point three was.”
― Bob Odenkirk, A Load of Hooey

“I thought the bush was on fire, but in a moment I heard a rustling, then a bright light pierced the sky above and a soft wind fluttered as though the universe had whiffled a fart right in my face—a gentle poot, pleasant of smell, a waffle of heaven’s intestinal deliverance. Anyway,”
― Bob Odenkirk, A Load of Hooey

“I was born in Berwyn, Illinois. At the time, the doctors declared, with deadpan gravitas, “Boy, six pounds, eight ounces.” I was circumcised and remain so, unable or unwilling to grow a fresh foreskin in the years since. Unable, actually, as I have tried—I’ve used creams and pills and all manner of massage, but it’s no use. Fresh foreskin forsakes me, it foils me, it fails to flower on the face of my glans. And that’s the final bit of poetry in this book.”
― Bob Odenkirk, A Load of Hooey

“OBIT FOR THE CREATOR OF MAD LIBS On Tuesday, in Canton, Connecticut, a town famous for the stickiness of its boogers, a stinky old man died of a good disease at his home at 345 Rotten Lane. Mr. Preston Wirtz, whose parents, Ida and Goober, ran a small jelly farm, died in his yellowish toilet. Mr. Wirtz was hated in Uzbekistan for the series of wordplay books he created for slippery children, books known far and wide as “Mad Libs,” beloved by hairy grumps and farty grampas alike. These books were never appreciated by tall elves, selling over two per year for one decade. When asked to describe Mr. Wirtz, his jealous wife, wearing nothing but an egg carton and flip-flops, called him “in a nutshell, the most sour-smelling, bacon-licking, pimple-footed crab-apple I have ever known. I will never always miss him and his broken underwear.” Then she cried herself to sleep in her fart-house.”
― Bob Odenkirk, A Load of Hooey

“When you get to the end of the gallery, turn right—or left, whichever way you want, it doesn’t matter—and”
― Bob Odenkirk, A Load of Hooey

“If I had lived five hundred years ago I wouldn’t have spent my time carving a bunch of wood so it could be hung forty feet in the air somewhere, I would have been trying to invent air-conditioning. Well,”
― Bob Odenkirk, A Load of Hooey

“Do you have an amateur theatrical group? Get one! They’re a big pain in the ass and not very rewarding, but you cannot perform the following playlet all by your lonesome. At”
― Bob Odenkirk, A Load of Hooey

“I’ve never been to Washington, so I haven’t been tainted by its atmosphere or culture. Washington and its ways are a complete mystery to me, I assure you, so when I get there it won’t be politics as usual. In fact, it won’t be politics at all! Thank you for that standing ovation. Please, let me continue. Since”
― Bob Odenkirk, A Load of Hooey

“Have you seen the glass pyramid? I bet you’d hate to have to clean that! Trust me, you would, I’ve spoken to the people who have to clean it and they hate it. Guess how much Windex it takes to wash all of them windows? Tons. Two-point-two tons per year. We weighed it. Speaking”
― Bob Odenkirk, A Load of Hooey

“If I had lived five hundred years ago I wouldn’t have spent my time carving a bunch of wood so it could be hung forty feet in the air somewhere, I would have been trying to invent air-conditioning.”
― Bob Odenkirk, A Load of Hooey

“Insanity is doing the same thing over and over again but expecting different results. Also, if you see your friend’s face mutate into all four members of the rock”
― Bob Odenkirk, A Load of Hooey

“I THINK I JUST MET GOD I”
― Bob Odenkirk, A Load of Hooey

“TV has gone down the craphole…and NO, that was NOT the third point. 4. MY BELT is too long. I had to add a hole to it and it looks homemade and crappy and the excess belt just hangs out there, FLAPPING ABOUT. CONCLUSION:”
― Bob Odenkirk, A Load of Hooey

“Then you’ve got the guys who watch the guards and the guys who watch the guys who watch the guards.”
― Bob Odenkirk, A Load of Hooey

“The eyes in your hearts are hopeful! Hopeful eyes that fly with wings! Blind to hatred, blind to retribution. Blind eyes that fly! Think about that! Boy oh boy oh boy, that’s something, isn’t it?”
― Bob Odenkirk, A Load of Hooey

“you’ll see that most of the halls are lit by natural sunlight streaming through skylights. Nice, right? However, that doesn’t mean this joint doesn’t use up frickin’ light bulbs by the case.”
― Bob Odenkirk, A Load of Hooey