The Tub of Happiness Quotes

“Right now I've got just two rules to live by.

Rule one: don't taunt elephants.
Rule two: don't stand next to anybody who taunts elephants.

-Sergeant Schlock”
― Howard Tayler, The Tub of Happiness

“Kevyn, I'm promoting you from Tech Sergeant to Munitions Commander. I want you to take responsibility for all Company weapons.

Munitions Commander? Why me?

I don't know. Call it "suspicion of extreme competence" on my part.
-Captain Tagon & Commander Kevyn Andreyasn”
― Howard Tayler, The Tub of Happiness

“The spirit of the law is the least of the things we're prepared to violate.”
― Howard Tayler, The Tub of Happiness

“I'm a disgruntled ex-civil servant, and I'm armed. If you don't process my license right now I'm going to start making small, yet significant holes in people.”
― Howard Tayler, The Tub of Happiness

“The Tausennigan Ob'enn warlords look like cuddly teddy-bears?"

"Yes, they do, and they'd cheerfully exterminate your entire race for making that observation!"

"I guess that explains their rich military history, then.”
― Howard Tayler, The Tub of Happiness

“That's odd. It looks almost as if Nick is picking a fight with that elephant."

"Well, the elephant started it."

"That's irrelevant. Fighting with civilians is against the rules. Go break it up."

-Admiral Breya Andreyasn & Sergeant Schlock”
― Howard Tayler, The Tub of Happiness

“Kevyn, Ennesby tells me you are building a time machine.

Actually I'm finished.

In one afternoon? Wow... Does it work?

After a fashion.

...

I put a whole lot of energy into it, and the next thing I knew it was time for dinner.
-Captain Tagon & Commander Andreyasn”
― Howard Tayler, The Tub of Happiness

“Now, let's hear some properly terrified screaming, puny humans!”
― Howard Tayler, The Tub of Happiness

“No! Wait! I've got a better idea..."

"Your ideas tend to result in unnecessary violence, Sergeant Schlock."

"And your point is..."

"Let's broaden the definition of 'necessary'.”
― Howard Tayler, The Tub of Happiness

“Hi. I'm here to enlist.

You can't. You aren't human.
You see, little fella, we don't do sociological stuff like "interspeciated workplaces." We're a crack company of space mercenaries. We do "hurting people" and "breaking things."

Sounds like my kind of fun.
-Schlock & Lieutenant Der Trihs”
― Howard Tayler, The Tub of Happiness

“Welcome to your new bodies, gentlemen. If you'd like, I can help you start your own 'dysmorphia is all in your head' support group.”
― Howard Tayler, The Tub of Happiness

“This is the universe calling to tell Tagon that his reality check has bounced.”
― Howard Tayler, The Tub of Happiness