It's Not You Quotes

“Loneliness is treated like the ultimate taboo; at the same time, it’s regarded as a trifle. That to be a thirty-seven-year-old who has spent a decade without someone to hold her hand at the doctor’s office is akin to being a thirteen-year-old sighing over a boy band.

Again, I know—‘single’ is not a synonym for ‘lonely.’ I know there are many lonely married people, as well as lots of single people who have a rich network of deep social connections—friends, sisters, daughters, nephews, etc.—whose lives are as far from Heller’s unhappy narrator as can be.

But for many of us, living alone in a society that is so rigorously constructed around couples and nuclear families is hard on the soul.”
― Sara Eckel, It's Not You: 27 (Wrong) Reasons You're Single

“Human beings are not houses—you don't walk in and say, 'Well, so long as we gut the kitchen and add a third bathroom, this could work,' or, 'It has no charm, but it's close to work and it's all I can afford.' No. You love them as they are, or you let them find someone else who does.”
― Sara Eckel, It's Not You: 27 (Wrong) Reasons You're Single

“Here's a thought: Maybe you've remained single well into adulthood because...you know what you're doing. Because there is something right with you.”
― Sara Eckel, It's Not You: 27 (Wrong) Reasons You're Single

“Let's take another look at that awful word 'desperate.' As Stephanie Coontz points out, the fact that we throw this label on women who have refrained from marrying is absurd. 'It's understandable that many women are anxious about the prospect of finding a good husband,' Coontz wrote in Marriage, a History. 'But few modern women are actually desperate to marry. Historically, desperate is agreeing to marry a much older man whom you find physically repulsive. Desperate is closing your eyes to prostitutes and mistresses and praying you don't get a venereal disease. Desperate is having child after child because your husband won't let you use birth control or covering the bruises you got last night when you hurry to the market to shop for the evening meal. Women today may be anxious about finding a mate, but most could not even imagine being that desperate.'

You didn't rush back to that mediocre relationship. You didn't grit your teeth and enter some passionless union with a perfectly nice guy who doesn't get you. There are people who are afraid to be alone, who head for the nearest warm body after each breakup, or who stay in miserable relationships because the alternative is so terrifying. But that's not you, is it?”
― Sara Eckel, It's Not You: 27 (Wrong) Reasons You're Single

“Dating is an act of outrageous vulnerability. You're leaving the comfort of your home and your friends to subject yourself to the scrutiny of strangers. You're sliding into that restaurant booth, plopping your laptop and gym bag on the floor, and saying, 'Hi, I'm Sara. Let's see if we can start a life together, shall we?'

It doesn't get more optimistic than that.”
― Sara Eckel, It's Not You: 27 (Wrong) Reasons You're Single

“The Family and Medical Leave Act, for example, only entitles spouses, grown children, and parents to take time off to care for a sick loved one. If a childless single person falls ill, only her parents have the legal right to take off work to care for her. If they’re deceased or not up to the task, she’s out of luck. Even if she has a sister, niece, or best friend willing to take a leave, they won’t be legally entitled to do so. No one has the right to care for her.”
― Sara Eckel, It's Not You: 27 (Wrong) Reasons You're Single

“The people in your life either understand where you are coming from or they don't. It's not your job to convince them that you're happy or a legitimate adult. It's also not your job to determine whether another's perceived self-satisfaction is born of genuine contentment or insecurity. Your job is to take care of yourself so you can meet others where they are.”
― Sara Eckel, It's Not You: 27 (Wrong) Reasons You're Single

“There are people who are afraid to be alone, who head for the nearest warm body after each breakup, or who stay in miserable relationships because the alternative is so terrifying. But that's not you, is it?”
― Sara Eckel, It's Not You: 27 (Wrong) Reasons You're Single

“Reminding me again and again and again that longing was not desperation and loneliness was not failure. And that, ironically, the less I tried to manipulate my inner experience, the more peaceful and content I felt.

If you feel sad sometimes, it's not because you're single--it's because you're alive.”
― Sara Eckel, It's Not You: 27 (Wrong) Reasons You're Single

“When you're experiencing that year-in, year-out challenge of being on your own, it's easy to ask the question "What does everyone else know that I don't?" I suggest you flip that around.”
― Sara Eckel, It's Not You: 27 (Wrong) Reasons You're Single

“If you’ve dragged out the crystals and started exploring your chakras for the express purpose of finding your soul mate, then it’s going to be rough if that person doesn’t materialize.

Now you’re not just alone, you’re also out of sync with the universe. And that’s sort of heavy.

Especially when people try to cheer you up with their own magical ‘how we met’ stories. They might be encouraging sometimes, but they also beg the question: Why do the universe’s elves and fairies keep blowing you off? How come every time you meet a guy at the supermarket he turns out to live in his mother’s basement?”
― Sara Eckel, It's Not You: 27 (Wrong) Reasons You're Single

“Did my friends and I make mistakes when we were single? Probably. Did we arrogantly dismiss men who could have turned out to be great husbands for us? Could be. Nevertheless, I’m glad I did not take the advice of the acquaintance who said, ‘You select a husband the way you do a house. You choose from what’s available at the time.’

Human beings are not houses—you don’t walk in and say, ‘Well, so long as we gut the kitchen and add a third bathroom, this could work,’ or, ‘It has no charm, but it’s close to work and it’s all I can afford.’ No. You love them as they are, or you let them find someone else who does.”
― Sara Eckel, It's Not You: 27 (Wrong) Reasons You're Single

“I have friends who are still looking, friends who are married, and friends who are divorced. The difference, I've come to see, is largely due to chance, rather than character. Because after all those years of self-doubt, my late-marrying friends and I found men who love us even though we're still cranky and neurotic, even though we still haven't got our careers together, even though we sometimes talk too loud or drink too much or swear at the TV when the news is on. We have gray hairs and unfashionable clothes and bad attitudes. They love us anyway.

What's wrong with me? What's wrong with any of us? If we're honest, the answer probably is 'plenty.' But that's not the point.”
― Sara Eckel, It's Not You: 27 (Wrong) Reasons You're Single

“Now when I remember the woman I was—heaving herself off the couch to go on another Internet date, taking a deep breath before walking into the party where she'd see her ex and his new girlfriend—I don't feel a trace of contempt or embarrassment. I have a funny admiration for the girl who kept taking her licks and got back up again. That was me. Doing my best. Which, of course, is all any of us can do.”
― Sara Eckel, It's Not You: 27 (Wrong) Reasons You're Single

“bottom of page 33:
We all want to feel needed, and we also want to be with people who can manage on their own, if needbe.”
― Sara Eckel, It's Not You: 27 (Wrong) Reasons You're Single

“Married people like to say marriage is “work,” often with a smug, Protestant pride—as if they were plowing fields all day while their single friends sipped appletinis.”
― Sara Eckel, It's Not You: 27 (Wrong) Reasons You're Single

“The demons feed on resistance, so when you aren't afraid of them--when you can simply see them objectively and name them--they have nothing to work with. And when that happens, I've noticed that they very slowly leave.”
― Sara Eckel, It's Not You: 27 (Wrong) Reasons You're Single

“I have no problem with being fabulous. My problem comes when you won't allow yourself to be an ordinary woman with a decent apartment and an okay job. When only the mom is allowed to be boring—because her life is so rich with meaning.

When I carefully choreographed the story of how amazing I was, I was acting like one of those helicopter parents—you know, the ones who refuse to admit that their Jackson might suck at math or Stella might not be the world's greatest violinist. 'You are special! You are special!' they cry to their children, hoping this will boost their confidence. But the real message is one of panic: You must be special. Ordinary is not okay. When I walked into a party projecting the Shiny Girl—she of the lighthearted flings and glitzy job—I was essentially doing the same thing.”
― Sara Eckel, It's Not You: 27 (Wrong) Reasons You're Single

“When you try to stay on the surface of the water, you sink. But when you try to sink, you float.”
― Sara Eckel, It's Not You: 27 (Wrong) Reasons You're Single

“of love and belonging believe they are worthy of love and belonging. That’s it.”
― Sara Eckel, It's Not You: 27 (Wrong) Reasons You're Single

“the way truly confident people behave.”
― Sara Eckel, It's Not You: 27 (Wrong) Reasons You're Single

“see who you really are and know how you really feel, they will leave. So how is that supposed to make you feel confident?”
― Sara Eckel, It's Not You: 27 (Wrong) Reasons You're Single

“Feeling lonely made me feel like a loser, a failure, an outcast.”
― Sara Eckel, It's Not You: 27 (Wrong) Reasons You're Single

“But for many of us, living alone in a society that is so rigorously constructed around couples and nuclear families is hard on the soul.”
― Sara Eckel, It's Not You: 27 (Wrong) Reasons You're Single

“I don’t even like hot restaurants. I just wanted someone to sit next to me on the couch and watch bad reality TV. Someone who would split a six-pack and an order of pad Thai and wonder aloud if Kayla would finally get”
― Sara Eckel, It's Not You: 27 (Wrong) Reasons You're Single

“But there were those nights—those cold, January Saturday nights—when I’d gaze at the snow-covered streets, contemplating this solitary life I didn’t chose. I didn’t need an invitation to a glittery party or reservations at a hot restaurant—”
― Sara Eckel, It's Not You: 27 (Wrong) Reasons You're Single

“The problem is that our society is structured around couples and families—and if you don’t fit neatly into one of those units, you often have to build”
― Sara Eckel, It's Not You: 27 (Wrong) Reasons You're Single

“Happiness was there the whole time. The problem was, I was so specific about the type of happiness I wanted that I far too often ruined a good thing.”
― Sara Eckel, It's Not You: 27 (Wrong) Reasons You're Single

“That is the sweet side of longing. Each encounter becomes magnified--the jokey banter with the guys at the butcher shop, the walk home with the woman you just met in yoga. Meeting a close friend for dinner isn't just a pleasant evening--it's life itself. Those two or three or seven hours of feverish conversation--of yelping in outrage at the sins of her small-minded boss, of gushing about the gorgeous novel you're reading, of deconstructing the latest male politician's take on women's reproductive organs--make all the other daily crap we endure more than worth it.

University of North Carolina psychologist Barbara Fredrickson says the connection we have during these warm encounters with friends and even strangers is love, a sensation that's biologically identical to the love we feel in its more celebrated forms--romantic, family.”
― Sara Eckel, It's Not You: 27 (Wrong) Reasons You're Single

“But here's what the perennially partnered don't understand: That love is always there, it just expresses itself in a completely different way.”
― Sara Eckel, It's Not You: 27 (Wrong) Reasons You're Single