Out of Control Quotes

“My child isn’t my easel to paint on Nor my diamond to polish My child isn’t my trophy to share with the world Nor my badge of honor My child isn’t an idea, an expectation, or a fantasy Nor my reflection or legacy My child isn’t my puppet or a project Nor my striving or desire My child is here to fumble, stumble, try, and cry Learn and mess up Fail and try again Listen to the beat of a drum faint to our adult ears And dance to a song that revels in freedom My task is to step aside Stay in infinite possibility Heal my own wounds Fill my own bucket And let my child fly —Shefali Tsabary, PhD”
― Shefali Tsabary, Out of Control: Why Disciplining Your Child Doesn't Work... and What Will

“Because children are essentially good, when we see a child hit, it ought to evoke in us an empathic response such as, “What pain they must be in to feel the need to hit.”
― Shefali Tsabary, Out of Control: Why Disciplining Your Child Doesn't Work... and What Will

“The corporate world is also a manifestation of people’s disconnection from their heart, where people believe manipulation is the path to getting what they want and therefore the way to succeed. People often use the excuse that “everyone does it.” When a child learns at home that not everyone does it, things can start to change. The corporate world even celebrates the cutthroat approach of stepping over others, knifing them in the back, and scrambling to the top of the ladder at the expense of colleagues—behavior that reflects an inability to connect with and care for others.”
― Shefali Tsabary, Out of Control: Why Disciplining Your Child Doesn't Work... and What Will

“Of course, we justify our fear by telling ourselves we “love our children so much.” I don’t believe that to love someone means we need to fear for them. On the contrary, it’s out of our fear for our own security and wellbeing that we fear for our children. We’re afraid that unless the other behaves according to our movie, we will in some way be deprived of fulfillment or a sense of peace. This sense of lack, rooted in the empty feeling left by our crushed authentic self, gets confused with love. Unless we are able to discern the difference between love and our need for our children to assuage our feeling of lack, our connection with them will be muddied.”
― Shefali Tsabary, Out of Control: Why Disciplining Your Child Doesn't Work... and What Will

“There’s no question in my mind but that the disciplinary approach societies the world over have followed from time immemorial is a significant reason our world is such an unsafe and largely insane planet.”
― Shefali Tsabary, Out of Control: Why Disciplining Your Child Doesn't Work... and What Will

“I explained to the father that he needed to develop a connection to his son, he bemoaned, “But he won’t even let me in his room. If he won’t say a word to me, how am I supposed to connect?” “You start from the ‘as is’ of the situation,” I explained. “What does he do on his computer?” “He studies and plays video games.” “Then this is how you connect—by showing an interest in a video game he really enjoys and inviting him to play with you.” This is how you witness a child’s reality. “But I hate video games. They bore me.” “It’s not about what excites you, but how to engage with your child. When he sees you are genuinely interested in interacting with him and not just looking for a way to change him, he’ll begin to open up. But let me warn you, it will take time. You’ll have to build trust one brick at a time. To do this, you can’t let his rejection of you trigger you. See it as part of the process. It will help if you stay in touch with the fact he’s only showing you how he has felt for many years.” Children aren’t naturally closed off. On the contrary, they are open and willing to share themselves as long as it feels safe to do so. Children want us to see their inherent goodness, regardless of their external behavior at a particular moment. They delight in assurance their misbehavior won’t faze us. To accept them unconditionally is what it means to witness our children.”
― Shefali Tsabary, Out of Control: Why Disciplining Your Child Doesn't Work... and What Will

“Only when we are responsive to the moment instead of driven by our agenda can we meet our children where they need to be met. When we connect effectively, there’s no drama. We deal with issues for what they are. This maintains the connection that’s the foundation of a child’s healthy development.”
― Shefali Tsabary, Out of Control: Why Disciplining Your Child Doesn't Work... and What Will

“Our children didn’t come into the world to be our puppets. They came here to struggle, fumble, thrive, and enjoy—a journey for which they need our encouragement.”
― Shefali Tsabary, Out of Control: Why Disciplining Your Child Doesn't Work... and What Will

“The issue is that we have to start where the child is, not with where we believe the child ought to be.”
― Shefali Tsabary, Out of Control: Why Disciplining Your Child Doesn't Work... and What Will

“When a child has to constantly check with their parents to see if it’s okay to feel a certain way, they have lost touch with their own center of gravity.”
― Shefali Tsabary, Out of Control: Why Disciplining Your Child Doesn't Work... and What Will