The Funniest Joke Book! Best Collection Of Jokes In The Kindle Library! Quotes

“Careful What You Ask For Protection and Prayer A girl asked her boyfriend over to dinner and to meet her parents, and told him that after that she’d like to go out and have sex with him for the first time. The boy is excited by the prospect, but he’s a virgin and so he goes to his father for advice. His father gives him some pointers on how to do it right, and then tells him he’d better go down to the pharmacist and get some protection. So the boy went to the pharmacist and explained the situation. The pharmacist told him about condoms and showed the boy the selection the drug store carried, and the boy selected a brand and a quantity that he thought would be good. That evening he went to his girlfriend’s house to have dinner and meet her parents. He goes inside and finds her parents already seated at the table. He offers to say grace, so everyone bows their heads. The boy takes an amazingly long time to say the prayer. After twenty minutes have gone by, the girl leans over and whispers to her boyfriend, “I didn’t know you were so religious.” The boy whispered back to her, “I didn’t know your dad was a pharmacist.”
― Ronald T. Boggs, The Funniest Joke Book! Best Collection Of Jokes In The Kindle Library!

“Not Exactly Speeding A cop was watching the traffic on Highway 22 when he saw a car puttering along at way below the speed limit. “Well,” he said, “they’re not exactly speeding, but driving that slow is just as dangerous.” So he turned on the flashing lights and pulled the car over. Inside were five little old ladies, two in front and three in the back. All of them looked scared and shaken up. After getting the license and registration of the driver, the police officer explained that while they certainly weren’t speeding, it was also dangerous for them to drive a lot slower than the speed limit and he had to write them a ticket for that. “Slower than the speed limit?” the driver asked. “Officer, I don’t understand. We were going exactly the speed limit – twenty-two miles an hour.” The officer suppressed a laugh at their expense and explained politely that twenty-two was the route number, not the speed limit, and the speed limit was actually sixty-five. The driver seemed to understand and promised to do better in the future, and the police officer decided to let them off with a warning. As they were about to drive away, he asked, “Ma’am, are all of you ladies all right?” because they seemed so frightened and shaken. “Oh, we’ll be fine in a few minutes, officer, don’t worry,” the driver said. “We just got off of Highway 118.”
― Ronald T. Boggs, The Funniest Joke Book! Best Collection Of Jokes In The Kindle Library!

“Girls’ Night Out Two female friends had gone out drinking, just the girls, and had made excessively close friends with a large but uncertain number of cocktails. Walking home feeling no pain at all, they suddenly both realized they needed to pee. There was no toilet in sight and no open restaurants or anything, but they were passing by a graveyard and one of them suggested they flush their systems there, so they did, fertilizing some unknown person’s final resting place. Of course they had no toilet paper, this fact having slipped their minds in their inebriation. The first woman took off her panties, used them to wipe herself, and tossed them aside. Her friend didn’t want to do the same because she was wearing some fancy underwear and didn’t want to ruin it, but she was lucky enough to find a wreath on a grave with a big ribbon attached and wiped herself with that (after all, the intended recipient had no use for it, or for anything else). After finishing, they made their unsteady way home. The next day one woman’s husband phoned the other husband and said, “You know, we have to talk to our wives about these damned girls’ nights out. When my wife came home last night her panties were missing. I have no idea what she was up to, but it can’t be anything good!” “You think that’s bad,” said the other husband. “My wife came back with a card stuck between the cheeks of her butt that said, ‘From all of the firemen at the fire station, in heartfelt appreciation.”
― Ronald T. Boggs, The Funniest Joke Book! Best Collection Of Jokes In The Kindle Library!

“The Telepathic Watch A man walks into a bar and sits down beside an attractive woman, but barely glances her direction. Instead, he looks at his watch and gets an expression on his face as if he were listening to something. “Are you expecting someone?” the woman asked. “Is your date late?” “Oh, no, I’m not expecting anyone,” the man said, “but I just bought this watch and I’m testing it. You see, it’s a telepathic watch that not only tells the time but also tells me things about people nearby. For example, it’s telling me now that you’re not wearing any panties.” The woman giggled and said, “Well, your watch is broken, I think, because I am indeed wearing panties.” “Just as I thought,” the man said. “It’s running an hour fast.”
― Ronald T. Boggs, The Funniest Joke Book! Best Collection Of Jokes In The Kindle Library!