Freedom from Your Inner Critic Quotes

“Your Inner Critic thinks that pushing and judging you will protect you from hurt and pain. It thinks that if it can get you to be a certain way—perfect, successful, cautious, nice, slim, outgoing, intellectual, macho, and so on—then you won’t be shamed or rejected, and you might even get approval from people who are important to you. It tries to get you to fit in by prescribing rules and then attacking you if you violate them. Even though attacking you actually backfires and causes you more suffering, your Inner Critic is doing what it thinks is best for you.”
― Jay Earley, Freedom from Your Inner Critic: A Self-Therapy Approach

“However, IFS recognizes that Inner Critic parts aren’t just mechanical copies of your parents. (This understanding is not unique to IFS. Voice Dialogue and other approaches that work with subpersonalities have come to the same conclusion.)”
― Jay Earley, Freedom from Your Inner Critic: A Self-Therapy Approach

“DIMINISHMENT If you were judged or ridiculed whenever you were strong, visible, or capable, this would wound your Criticized Child. It would also trigger a Critic that tried to undermine you to keep you small, hidden, and safe. Your parents might have said, “Who do you think you are!” Perhaps you were rejected or abandoned for being powerful or standing out, or for being better than a sibling. Or maybe your parents felt bad about themselves when you outshined them in some way, and you felt responsible for their feelings. Any of these situations could trigger an Underminer Critic that tries to protect you by preventing you from being noticed.”
― Jay Earley, Freedom from Your Inner Critic: A Self-Therapy Approach

“Parents often use guilt to control children. Your parents may have told you that you were a bad person when you wanted special attention or demanded a particular Christmas present, which are perfectly normal behaviors for a child. Perhaps they made you feel guilty by acting like martyrs and giving you responsibility for taking care of their pain and making them feel good. They may have blamed you for their problems and feelings, or even just turned to you for support too often. Any of these actions would make your Criticized Child feel guilty, and it might activate a Guilt Tripper Critic, which tried to stop you from doing the “bad” things or to force you to try to take care of your parents.”
― Jay Earley, Freedom from Your Inner Critic: A Self-Therapy Approach

“Another reason your Critic might attack you is to be in control of the attacks. This is preferable to being at the mercy of unexpected attacks from a parent. Your Critic would then feel as if it had some power in an impossible situation. Its attacks would also shut you down so you wouldn’t be vulnerable when an attack came from your parent.”
― Jay Earley, Freedom from Your Inner Critic: A Self-Therapy Approach

“If a parent attacked you repeatedly, your Critic might blame you for the attacks, which would make your Criticized Child believe the attacks were your fault. The Critic does this so you won’t fight back and be harmed even more. Taking on the blame also allows you to stay connected to the attacker, which is often crucial when you depend on a parent. It would be too scary to see how truly abusive your parent is. Your Critic would turn its anger on you since it isn’t safe to get angry with your parent.”
― Jay Earley, Freedom from Your Inner Critic: A Self-Therapy Approach

“If your parents didn’t want you, or if one of them abused you physically, your Criticized Child would end up feeling that it didn’t have the right to exist or that it was dangerous to exist. So in order to keep you safe, a Destroyer Inner Critic may actually try to kill you or crush you so you aren’t there, as strange as that sounds.”
― Jay Earley, Freedom from Your Inner Critic: A Self-Therapy Approach

“However, if they yelled, “Stop that! You are bad!” this demeaning way of teaching would make your Child feel bad about having those natural impulses. This harshness would then activate an Inner Critic that wants to protect you from your parents. And the Critic (probably an Underminer or Guilt Tripper) is likely to use the very same harsh approach that your parents did. After all, they are the models for its behavior. So it will produce the very harm to your Criticized Child that it is trying to prevent.”
― Jay Earley, Freedom from Your Inner Critic: A Self-Therapy Approach

“Being shamed or ridiculed by your parents, teachers, or peers would cause your Criticized Child to carry shame or embarrassment. This experience could also prompt an Inner Critic to shame you in an attempt to keep you from doing again whatever led to your being shamed in the first place.”
― Jay Earley, Freedom from Your Inner Critic: A Self-Therapy Approach

“Children are often judged by parents, family members, or other important people in their lives. If you were judged frequently or harshly, a child part of you that started out innocent and whole would end up feeling wrong, bad, inadequate, or worthless, depending on the kind of judgments you received. This is the part we call the Criticized Child. If the judgments were accompanied by anger, yelling, or physical abuse, the Child would also be traumatized.”
― Jay Earley, Freedom from Your Inner Critic: A Self-Therapy Approach

“HELP SHEET 1 GETTING TO KNOW THE INNER CRITIC This is the first of three help sheets. This exercise, “Getting to Know the Inner Critic,” will allow you to get used to using these help sheets, which is a crucial part of learning to work with IFS on your own. You can also refer back to the help sheets to review the steps of the IFS process. P1 Accessing the Critic If the Critic is not activated, imagine yourself in a situation in which it judges you. Get an image of it and hear what it says to you. P2A Unblending from the Critic Options for unblending: ​Remember that this is just an attack from the Critic, not the truth. ​Visualize the Critic as separate from you or choose an object to represent it. ​Find a part that is opposed to the Critic. P2B Unblending from the Criticized Child Check to see if you are feeling bad about yourself or believe that you are deficient. Options for unblending: ​Ask the Criticized Child to go into a safe place with a nurturing aspect of Self so you can help both it and the Critic. ​Step back into Self. ​Do a meditation to come into Self. P3 Unblending from the Inner Defender Check to see how you feel toward the Critic right now. If you feel compassionate, curious, and connected, then you are in Self; move on to P4. If you don’t, then unblend from the Inner Defender as follows: 1.​Ask if it would be willing to step aside (or relax) just for now so you can get to know the Critic part from an open place. Explain that doing this will help you to connect with the Critic and help it to change, and that you won’t let the Critic take over and attack. 2.​If the Defender is willing to step aside, check again to see how you feel toward the Critic, and repeat. 3.​If it still won’t step aside, ask what it is afraid would happen if it did, and reassure it about its fears. P4 Finding Out about the Critic Ask the Critic what it is trying to accomplish by judging you. ​Ask what it is afraid would happen if it didn’t. ​Sense what exile it is trying to protect. P5 Developing a Trusting Relationship with the Critic You can foster trust by saying the following to the Critic (if true): ​I understand what you are trying to do. ​I appreciate your efforts on my behalf.”
― Jay Earley, Freedom from Your Inner Critic: A Self-Therapy Approach

“EXERCISE UNBLENDING FROM THE INNER CRITIC AND CRITICIZED CHILD This exercise takes you through the steps described in this chapter. Use your journal to record your responses. ​Choose one situation in which one of your Inner Critics usually attacks you. Imagine that this situation is happening right now. What is your Inner Critic saying to you? ​Close your eyes and allow an image of the Inner Critic to emerge, or access your Critic through your body or feelings. What does your Critic look, sound, or feel like? ​If you feel judgmental toward yourself, then you are blended with the Inner Critic. See if you can unblend from it using the techniques described in this chapter. Take notes on how you did this. How were you able to create separation? ​If you are scared of this Inner Critic or feel crushed by it, those feelings are coming from the Criticized Child. What are these feelings? ​Check to see if you have an image of the Criticized Child. What does your Criticized Child look or feel like? ​In order to unblend from the Criticized Child, ask it to step aside into a safe place (maybe with a strong protector), or visualize the Critic in another room, or use the “Self Meditation” exercise to ground yourself. Take notes on how you did this. You should now be separate from both the Critic and the Child. If you like, you can continue with “Unblending from the Inner Defender,” the exercise in chapter 4. Example Here is how Sarah answered the questions in this exercise: ​Choose one situation in which one of your Inner Critics usually attacks you. Imagine that this situation is happening right now. What is your Inner Critic saying to you? You’re less than nothing. You don’t deserve to even be here. Get lost! ​Close your eyes and allow an image of the Inner Critic to emerge. Or access your Critic through your body or feelings. What does your Critic look, sound, or feel like? A huge powerful monster with great muscles and a loud voice that is attacking me. ​If you feel judgmental toward yourself, then you are blended with the Inner Critic. See if you can unblend from it using the techniques described in this chapter. Take notes on how you did this. I visualized it as separate. ​If you are scared of this Inner Critic or feel crushed by it, then those feelings are coming from the Criticized Child. What are these feelings? Scared of it. ​Check to see if you have an image of the Criticized Child. What does your Criticized Child look or feel like? Battered and crushed. ​Take notes on how you unblended from the Criticized Child: I asked it to step into a safe room where a nurturing part cared for it.”
― Jay Earley, Freedom from Your Inner Critic: A Self-Therapy Approach

“EXERCISE YOUR INNER CRITIC’S POSITIVE INTENT Choose an Inner Critic to focus on. Review what it says to you and which situations tend to trigger it. Take out your journal and respond to the following prompts. ​What type of Inner Critic is it most like? Look over the seven types of Critics from chapter 2 and guess or sense which one. ​What is the Critic’s positive motivation for you? Look over the various motivations discussed in this chapter and see if you can sense what this Critic is trying to do for you. Example Here is how Sarah answered the questions for this exercise: ​What type of Inner Critic is it most like? Destroyer ​What is the Critic’s positive motivation for you? Look over the various motivations … and see if you can sense what this Critic is trying to do for you. Attack me before my family does so the attack doesn’t hurt so much. Get a sense of power and not be crushed by being able to attack.”
― Jay Earley, Freedom from Your Inner Critic: A Self-Therapy Approach

“Now fill in your numerical answers from above in the blanks below and add up each line to get a total score for each group of four questions. This gives you a numerical score from 0 to 16 for each of the seven types of Critics. Questions 2 ___ + 11 ___ + 18 ___ + 24 ___ = ___ Perfectionist Score Questions 3 ___ + 9 ___ + 16 ___ + 23 ___ = ___ Inner Controller Score Questions 4 ___ + 14 ___ + 22 ___ + 26 ___ = ___ Taskmaster Score Questions 5 ___ + 10 ___ + 17 ___ + 28 ___ = ___ Underminer Score Questions 1 ___ + 6 ___ + 12 ___ + 21 ___ = ___ Destroyer Score Questions 7 ___ + 15 ___ + 20 ___ + 25 ___ = ___ Guilt Tripper Score Questions 8 ___ + 13 ___ + 19 ___ + 27 ___ = ___ Molder Score If you scored 9 or higher for a Critic, there is a good chance that it is causing problems for you. Those for which you scored 7 or 8 might be problematic. Those with scores 7 or less are less likely to be troublesome.”
― Jay Earley, Freedom from Your Inner Critic: A Self-Therapy Approach

“After reading each of the statements, write the number that corresponds to the following: 0 = Never​1 = Not often​2 = Occasionally​3 = Frequently​4 = Always 1.​I feel like I am intrinsically flawed. 2.​I set high standards for myself. 3.​I feel terrible about myself when I get out of control. 4.​I push myself to work very hard so I can achieve my goals. 5.​When I think of trying something new and challenging, I give up before I begin. 6.​I am ashamed of everything about myself. 7.​I am troubled by something I have done that I cannot forgive myself for. 8.​I know who I ought to be, and I’m hard on myself when I act differently. 9.​I expend a great deal of effort trying to control my impulsive behavior. 10.​My self-confidence is so low that I don’t believe I can succeed at anything. 11.​I attack myself when I make a mistake. 12.​I have trouble holding onto a positive sense of myself. 13.​I have a hard time feeling OK about myself when I’m not acting in accordance with my childhood programming. 14.​There is no end to the things I have to do. 15.​I do things to people that I feel terribly guilty for. 16.​There are indulgent parts of me that take over and get me into trouble, and then I punish myself for it. 17.​I believe that it is safer not to try than to fail. 18.​I get anxious and self-critical when things don’t come out just right. 19.​I feel ashamed when I don’t measure up to others’ expectations. 20.​I tell myself that, if I were a good person, I would take better care of people I care about. 21.​At a deep level I feel like I don’t have the right to exist. 22.​I feel bad because I am too lazy to really make it in the world. 23.​I feel really ashamed of some of my habits. 24.​I spend much more time than is needed on a project in order to make it as good as possible. 25.​I have a nagging feeling that I am bad. 26.​I try really hard to overcome my tendency to avoid doing tasks. 27.​I feel bad because I can’t be what my family or culture expects of me. 28.​I feel that I don’t have what it takes to succeed.”
― Jay Earley, Freedom from Your Inner Critic: A Self-Therapy Approach

“EXERCISE WHICH CRITICS DO YOU HAVE? Think of a way that one of your Critic parts attacks you. In your journal, answer the following questions. ​Under what circumstances does it attack you? ​What does it say to you? ​Which of the seven types of Critics do you think it is? Example Here is how Jill might answer the questions for this exercise: ​Under what circumstances does one of your Critics attack you? Whenever I eat too much. ​What does it say to you? You’re a fat slob. No man will ever be interested in you. You should be ashamed of yourself for pigging out like that. ​Which of these seven types of Critics do you think it is? Inner Controller”
― Jay Earley, Freedom from Your Inner Critic: A Self-Therapy Approach

“The Underminer tries to undermine your self-confidence and self-esteem so you won’t take risks that might end in failure. It tells you that you are worthless and inadequate and that you’ll never amount to anything. It may also try to prevent you from getting too big, powerful, or visible in order to avoid the threat of attack and rejection. (Remember Jeannette, Bonnie’s client described in the introduction? Her Inner Critic was an Underminer.) The experience of being undermined can feel like a rug has been pulled out from under you or like you’re walking on a treadmill where you work and sweat but go nowhere. It can also feel like you have a rope tied to your middle so you can’t go forward or like you’ve come up against a glass wall. The Destroyer attacks your fundamental self-worth. It is deeply shaming and tells you that you shouldn’t exist. You might experience the Destroyer as a crushing force that wipes out your vitality or a pervasive negative energy that stamps out any sign of creativity, spontaneity, or desire. It might look like Darth Vader, a giant spider, a leech on the back of the neck, or an elephant crushing you underfoot. The Guilt Tripper attacks you for a specific action you took (or didn’t take) in the past that was harmful to someone, especially someone you care about. This Critic might also attack you for violating a deeply held value. It constantly makes you feel bad and will never forgive you. It might also make you feel guilty for repeated behaviors that it considers unacceptable in an attempt to get you to stop. Images of the Guilt Tripper from our clients include a nun, a judge, a despot exiling someone, a black cloud descending, and a weight on the shoulders. It can make you feel oozy and icky, heavy in the chest, or as if you are being smashed with a huge hammer. The Molder tries to get you to fit a certain societal mold or act in a certain way that is based on your family or cultural mores. This mold can be any kind: caring, aggressive, outgoing, intellectual, or polite. This Critic attacks you when you don’t fit into that mold and praises you when you do. Images for the Molder include a prison guard, a cage, a straightjacket, and a large rulebook, like a holy text, that determines what you should do at every moment.”
― Jay Earley, Freedom from Your Inner Critic: A Self-Therapy Approach

“Each type of Critic has a different motivation and strategy, and identifying which Critics are affecting you can be useful. The Perfectionist tries to get you to do everything perfectly. It has very high standards for behavior, performance, and production. When you don’t meet its standards, the Perfectionist attacks you by saying that your work or behavior isn’t good enough, which makes it hard to finish projects. Sometimes the Perfectionist even makes it difficult to get started, as with writer’s block. Our clients with Perfectionist Critics have pictured them in a variety of ways—a crab with pincers, a schoolmarm with super-high standards, a magnifying glass, and an inspector, especially El Exigente, “the demanding one,” from a 1970s coffee commercial. The Inner Controller tries to control impulsive behavior, such as overeating, getting enraged, using drugs, or engaging in other indulgent behavior. It shames you after you binge, use, or react with rage. It is usually in a constant battle with an impulsive part of you. Our clients with Inner Controllers have viewed them as a bulldog, a lion tamer, an angry guard, and a shaming mother. The Taskmaster tries to get you to work hard in order to be successful. It attempts to motivate you by telling you that you’re lazy, stupid, or incompetent. It often gets into a battle with another part that procrastinates as a way of avoiding work. The Taskmaster might be envisioned as a demanding foreman, a vigilant watchdog, a boot in the center of your back, or someone constantly keeping a bunch of plates spinning.”
― Jay Earley, Freedom from Your Inner Critic: A Self-Therapy Approach

“In many cases, the Critic is a pariah in the internal system, hated by other parts because of the pain it causes. It often feels isolated and (ironically) judged by other parts. Or it may be involved in constant conflict with another part, such as the Inner Defender. So when you connect with the Critic, it often feels touched and relieved that its positive intent is finally recognized. And this helps to relieve some of the constant internal conflict you may have been suffering from.”
― Jay Earley, Freedom from Your Inner Critic: A Self-Therapy Approach

“If a Critic resists your questions, ask, “What are you afraid would happen if you did dialogue with me and answer my questions?” It will usually say, “You will try to stop me from doing my job,” or “You will try to get rid of me.” Reassure it that you aren’t trying to do either of these things. In IFS, we never try to force a part to change or give up its job. And we never try to get rid of a part. We are hoping that your Critic will relax and choose a new role in your internal system, but only if it wants to—never through coercion. We just want to get to know it, discover its motivation, and connect with it. Any further change will happen as the work develops, but only if the Critic chooses to change because it no longer feels a need to protect the exile in the same way.1”
― Jay Earley, Freedom from Your Inner Critic: A Self-Therapy Approach

“Since the Inner Critic is one of the most difficult and tenacious issues that people face, we have collaborated on a serious study of how to work with and transform it. This book shows you how to address your Inner Critic using a powerful form of therapy: Internal Family Systems Therapy (IFS). Developed by Richard C. Schwartz, PhD, this cutting-edge form of psychotherapy has been spreading rapidly across the country since 2000. IFS can help you transform your Inner Critic into an inner resource that supports and helps you.”
― Jay Earley, Freedom from Your Inner Critic: A Self-Therapy Approach

“I know quite certainly that I myself have no special talent; curiosity, obsession and dogged endurance, combined with self-criticism, have brought me to my ideas. ALBERT EINSTEIN”
― Jay Earley, Freedom from Your Inner Critic: A Self-Therapy Approach

“Whoever is in charge of your psyche at any given moment is in your Seat of Consciousness. The Self is the natural occupant of the Seat of Consciousness. However, if a part, such as the Inner Critic or the Criticized Child, blends with you, it takes over the Seat and determines how you feel and react.”
― Jay Earley, Freedom from Your Inner Critic: A Self-Therapy Approach

“THE SEVEN TYPES OF INNER CRITICS We have identified seven specific types of Critics: ​The Perfectionist ​The Inner Controller ​The Taskmaster ​The Underminer ​The Destroyer ​The Guilt Tripper ​The Molder”
― Jay Earley, Freedom from Your Inner Critic: A Self-Therapy Approach

“When you feel ashamed, hopeless, inadequate, or just plain awful about yourself, it’s because your Inner Critic is attacking you. The Inner Critic does this in a variety of ways, but most commonly, it works by hammering you with negative messages about your self-worth. It may criticize your looks, your work habits, your intelligence, the way you care for others, or any number of other things. It may: ​Evaluate and judge your feelings and behavior and sometimes your core self. ​Tell you what you should and shouldn’t do. ​Criticize you for not meeting its expectations or the expectations of people who are important to you. ​Doubt you and tell you that you can’t be successful. ​Shame you for who you are. ​Make you feel guilty about things you have done. Most people have a number of self-judging Inner Critic parts. For example, you might have one Critic that attacks you for how you overeat and how much you weigh, and another Critic that tells you that you’re lazy and should be working harder.”
― Jay Earley, Freedom from Your Inner Critic: A Self-Therapy Approach

“Another important thing to remember about parts is that they usually only know one way to act and react. This is because they come from our childhood, when our psyches were still developing and we were faced with dangerous situations that we were too young to handle well. Our parts did the best they could, often using strategies that were extreme and shortsighted. Parts are not necessarily flexible, rational, or mature. This is especially true in the case of the Inner Critic. All it knows how to do is judge, whether or not judging works.”
― Jay Earley, Freedom from Your Inner Critic: A Self-Therapy Approach

“Vibrant self-esteem is your birthright; you needn’t settle for anything less.”
― Jay Earley, Freedom from Your Inner Critic: A Self-Therapy Approach