The Guy Your Friends Warned You About Quotes

“…He needed to find some little poor kids to playfully spray with a hose, while he was helping out at a charity carwash for the handicapped or something.  Maybe rent a wet dog for the afternoon, and get it to shake its head in slow motion, while he laughed like some douchebag asshole and tried to lightheartedly block the soapy droplets with his hands or one of the little wheelchair kids or something.  Women loved that shit if movies were to be believed.  They ate it up. Sadly, he had no idea how to go about doing any of that though.  None of the pet shops had been open to the idea of him using their puppies as a prop in a seduction fantasy, and all of the schools for the disabled he called had refused to give him an hourly rate on renting their students.”
― Elizabeth Gannon, The Guy Your Friends Warned You About

“He was no woman’s idea of a romantic hero.  He was Mr. Darcy only if Mr. Darcy got loaded at the ball at Netherfield, started a fight with Bingley because the man was a fucking pussy, kicked Mr. Collins in the balls just to get him to shut the hell up, and then hit on Lizzy’s sexy little ass like a motherfucker.”
― Elizabeth Gannon, The Guy Your Friends Warned You About

“...Trying to break into the Australian embassy..."

"Hey, 'Free New Zealand,' man!" He tried to raise his fist in protest, but was prevented by his handcuffs. "Aussie tyranny has got to stop!"

The officer shook his head. "They're separate countries. They have nothing to do with one another."

"Really?" His eyebrow rose in surprise. "You sure?"

"Yes."

"...Oops." He shrugged. "Well I guess I owe them an apology then.”
― Elizabeth Gannon, The Guy Your Friends Warned You About

“...Stealing all the balls from the ball-pit play area in the local 'Baron Horatio Von FUNigan's Pizzatorium and Gameateria' restaurant chain... one ball at a time..." The officer looked up at him. "Why would you do that?"

"Because I couldn't find a container big enough to carry them all away at once." He answered seriously.”
― Elizabeth Gannon, The Guy Your Friends Warned You About

“Marian was of the opinion that knowledge was without morals.  Without ethics.  It was the science itself which was important, not the future it was supposedly bringing about.  The ends didn’t justify the means, because once you were at the ‘ends,’ you didn’t need to justify them to anyone.  The work justified itself, and it made no sense to question it.  Science was pure, and knowledge was never a bad thing.  It was the one thing that no one could take from you.  Knowledge was yours, to use as you saw fit.  Knowledge was power, and the more of it you had, the more powerful you were.  To attach morality to it was only holding yourself back.”
― Elizabeth Gannon, The Guy Your Friends Warned You About

“Marian didn’t believe in crying.  In fact, she didn’t really believe in emotion.  It clouded judgment and accomplished nothing.  You could scream, and love and cry all you wanted, but when you were done, your problems would remain the same.  The only difference was that now you would be dehydrated and had less time in which to solve your issues.”
― Elizabeth Gannon, The Guy Your Friends Warned You About

“What would you say to your victims if you had the opportunity?” He pursed his lips in thought.  “Probably something like: ‘Holy shit!  You’re alive!?!  I thought I fucking killed you already!  EAT LEAD, ZOMBIE BASTARD!  *BA-BLAM!* *BA-BLAM!”
― Elizabeth Gannon, The Guy Your Friends Warned You About

“…That was the thing he’d never understood about the whole Occum’s Razor thing: magic was the simplest explanation for anything. Thus, that whole theory was garbage.  If the simplest explanation was always the right one, then everything would be caused by magic or super-powered enemies, which it wasn’t.”
― Elizabeth Gannon, The Guy Your Friends Warned You About