The Hard Questions Quotes

“I want full-on emotional, sexual, spiritual passion—not the torments of fights and jealousies, but the power of engaging deeply, from the bottom of my heart, with my lover’s heart, with lots of ebb and flow in both passion and friendship, periods of great agreement and great distance, but always coming back to each other, to self, to commitment, together.”
― Susan Piver, The Hard Questions: 100 Questions to Ask Before You Say "I Do"

“means understanding the other person first and taking a position second. If we rush to take a position and say any form of “You are wrong and I am right,” the dialogue between us has nowhere to go. If you can express your own feelings without making pronouncements about your partner’s, you invite greater and greater intimacy. If each can find a way to acknowledge the validity of the other’s feelings, there can be a conversation. Even if a couple ends up disagreeing on the specific outcome, they will have evolved their relationship, their knowledge of each other, to a deeper level. And that is seriously what it is all about.”
― Susan Piver, The Hard Questions: 100 Essential Questions to Ask Before You Say "I Do"

“Instead, allow yourself to become curious. Curiosity is actually a form of fearlessness, when you think about it. It takes courage to let go of your hopes and fears in order to truly take in the other person. Open up more and more space in your own mind and heart for your partner’s answers. Your own judgments and responses, while vitally important, are not the point right now. Trust, really trust, that they will still be there when you need them. (They will.)”
― Susan Piver, The Hard Questions: 100 Essential Questions to Ask Before You Say "I Do"

“When your partner gives an answer that sparks anger or fear in you, it is important to put those emotional responses on hold, even if just for a moment. It can be hard to do this, I know. But if you can redirect your attention away from your reflexive response (well-founded though it may be) and toward your partner’s internal logic, you will both benefit tremendously. No matter how odd or inappropriate or silly you find your partner’s response, I guarantee that, to them, there is a powerful, important set of reasons for it, reasons that matter.* The work is to understand your partner’s internal logic.”
― Susan Piver, The Hard Questions: 100 Essential Questions to Ask Before You Say "I Do"

“This book is about envisioning your life together with love, care, and mindfulness. It is about skillfully balancing the crazy wisdom of love with the grounded practicality of making a life together. It is about the middle road, the constant, meaningful interplay between these two poles, loving a person and loving the life you create together. Strong marriages exist here, between the fire of intimacy and the ground of pragmatism.”
― Susan Piver, The Hard Questions: 100 Essential Questions to Ask Before You Say "I Do"

“Relationships with your partner’s parents, siblings and/or children can reveal deep truths about where you place value in personal relationships. I may believe that all family members are welcome in our house at any time of day or night, while my spouse may feel that 3 A.M. is not an acceptable time for visitors of any sort, even a sibling in crisis. I may wish to invite my mother over to discuss decorating questions; my partner may view this as intrusive or overly dependent. It’s valuable to examine assumptions like these. Many of us retain into adulthood unresolved issues with our families of origin—issues which we may attempt to resolve, consciously or not, within the context of marriage. If you have a parent who is alcoholic, for example, you may refuse to keep liquor in your home, but your partner may enjoy having a drink when he or she comes home from work. Can you or should you separate your deep feelings about alcohol from your partner’s needs?”
― Susan Piver, The Hard Questions: 100 Questions to Ask Before You Say "I Do"

“questions continued to come. I wrote them down. And one by one, Duncan and I answered them, together. Some questions took days to answer. Some took a moment. Others had no answer, and that in itself was important. In every case, we learned something about our relationship and each other. We were delighted, appalled, infuriated and/or mystified by each other’s answers.”
― Susan Piver, The Hard Questions: 100 Questions to Ask Before You Say "I Do"