The Mercenary and the Mortician Quotes

“Even with my body zipped against his, I didn’t feel like we were close enough. I felt like I might never be close enough to him. I wanted to literally crawl inside him and set up camp or let him crawl inside of me. I wasn’t picky. As long as we were together, I didn’t fucking care who was inside of who.”
― Alexandra St. Pierre, The Mercenary and the Mortician

“Where do you want him?" he asked, and I sputtered. Where do I want him? Literally anywhere but inside my damn house!
"Do you have one of those human toasters? I don’t know much about funeral homes. Do you just do the embalming, or do you handle the urn shit too?”
“You mean cremation?” I asked, feeling like I was fucking underwater.
His entire face lit up, and he snapped his fingers with the hand that wasn’t balancing a corpse over his shoulder. "That’s the word. Cremation. Thanks.
That was going to bug the shit out of me.”
― Alexandra St. Pierre, The Mercenary and the Mortician

“Whether either of us wants this or not, my screwed-up brain has decided that you’re mine, and I don’t fucking share, Ryan. Do you understand me?”
― Alexandra St. Pierre, The Mercenary and the Mortician

“Where do you want him?” he asked, and I sputtered. Where did I want him? Literally anywhere but inside my damn house! “Do you have one of those human toasters? I don’t know much about funeral homes. Do you just do the embalming, or do you handle the urn shit too?” “You mean cremation?” I asked, feeling like I was fucking underwater. His entire face lit up, and he snapped his fingers with the hand that wasn’t balancing a corpse over his shoulder. “That’s the word. Cremation. Thanks. That was going to bug the shit out of me.”
― Alexandra St. Pierre, The Mercenary and the Mortician

“Yeah, well. I was straight, too, until I met you, asshole. You have a track record,”
― Alexandra St. Pierre, The Mercenary and the Mortician

“Look at us! Pimping out our siblings for personal gain. We’re so charming.”
― Alexandra St. Pierre, The Mercenary and the Mortician

“That’s it, straight boy. Come for me.” “No. Fuck you!” I spat, and he chuckled. “You’re going to come, Ryan; there’s no point in fighting it. You’re going to shoot your load all over that bitch’s corpse, then you’re going to clean it up like the good boy I know you are.”
― Alexandra St. Pierre, The Mercenary and the Mortician

“Fuck being normal, Ryan. Normal is boring. I love that you see dead people. I think it’s bad fucking ass that you live in a funeral home. On top of that, I think it’s hot that you’re a freckly red-headed man who likes gardening. Everything about you is attractive to me. You’re my lil’ spooky ginger boy, and I love the shit out of you.”
― Alexandra St. Pierre, The Mercenary and the Mortician

“What did a mercenary and a mortician have in common? Dead. Fucking. Bodies.”
― Alexandra St. Pierre, The Mercenary and the Mortician

“I regret a lot of things, Ryan, but the thing I regret the most is how long it took me to get to you.”
― Alexandra St. Pierre, The Mercenary and the Mortician

“I was in love with this beautiful, dark, broken angel that had forced his way into my life, and there was no going back now.”
― Alexandra St. Pierre, The Mercenary and the Mortician

“If you need a minute, I can handle the guests while you get your overwhelming love for me under control.” He smirked at me, looking more smug than a kitten who had caught its first mouse.”
― Alexandra St. Pierre, The Mercenary and the Mortician

“Your boyfriend here has a dirty mind. You should see the things he wants to do to you. It’s making me hard just thinking about it.”
― Alexandra St. Pierre, The Mercenary and the Mortician

“Come on, everyone knows that the real armpit of the US is Florida.”
― Alexandra St. Pierre, The Mercenary and the Mortician

“I was so fucking gay. Yep. Super fucking gay.”
― Alexandra St. Pierre, The Mercenary and the Mortician

“Because I didn’t want to be friends with Ryan Fairview. I wanted to be much more than that. I wanted his face to light up instead of darkening when he saw me. I wanted him to let me touch him whenever I wanted. I wanted to hold his hand in public and kiss him until he felt dizzy.”
― Alexandra St. Pierre, The Mercenary and the Mortician

“Maybe I really was the devil, and that was why no one ever said they loved me back.”
― Alexandra St. Pierre, The Mercenary and the Mortician

“The funny thing about being raised in a cage is it makes you angry… and angry people want vengeance.”
― Alexandra St. Pierre, The Mercenary and the Mortician

“I keep letting myself get into these situations with you? This isn’t me. I’m always put together. I never have to worry about the business because I always have it under control. I always have a plan.” He cut me a hard look. “You, Cal, were not part of my plan.” We sat in silence for a moment as I digested his words. It was difficult for me to understand his reservations because, for me, this was all very simple. In the words of the infamous Ariana Grande — I see it, I like it, I want it, I got it. I saw Ryan. I liked Ryan. I wanted Ryan. I got Ryan. If someone tried to take Ryan from me, I would just delete them. Murder ‘em. Wipe ‘em off the face of the fucking planet. Simple.”
― Alexandra St. Pierre, The Mercenary and the Mortician

“He pulled down the car visor and looked at his face in the little mirror, grimacing. “Like, look at my face.” He sighed. “Almost every day since I’ve met you, my face has suffered a new bruise.” He turned pleading eyes on me. “How am I supposed to explain this to clients? When people come to meet with me, it’s usually after they have suffered the worst day of their lives, Cal. The last thing they need is a funeral director who looks like he moonlights as fucking Rocky Balboa.” I snorted and resisted the urge to make a joke about being the Adrian to his Rocky.”
― Alexandra St. Pierre, The Mercenary and the Mortician

“There was only room for one weapon in my pants tonight, and apparently, that was my fucking cock.”
― Alexandra St. Pierre, The Mercenary and the Mortician

“Forget muscles. I was suddenly craving a ginger snap.”
― Alexandra St. Pierre, The Mercenary and the Mortician

“The whole experience was tragic but somehow also incredibly profound. Since then, I have thrown myself into my work, proudly taking over the family business and following in my father’s footsteps.”
― Alexandra St. Pierre, The Mercenary and the Mortician

“He looked like a young Billy Idol on a good day and a sun-bronzed Spike from Buffy the Vampire Slayer on a bad day.”
― Alexandra St. Pierre, The Mercenary and the Mortician

“The now achingly familiar and comforting sound of his voice rolled over me”
― Alexandra St. Pierre, The Mercenary and the Mortician

“Kinky little freak. The quiet ones are always the wildest ones in bed.”
― Alexandra St. Pierre, The Mercenary and the Mortician

“Loveee youuuuu!” I chirped, but I was already speaking to a dead line. She had hung up on me, which was typical. No one ever said it back.”
― Alexandra St. Pierre, The Mercenary and the Mortician

“I know what it is to make tough choices and live through difficult times. I know what hard is… Loving you isn’t hard, Callum,” he whispered, leaning forward and brushing his lips against mine. “Loving you is the easiest thing I’ve ever done.”
― Alexandra St. Pierre, The Mercenary and the Mortician

“But most importantly, Ryker had taught me that life was fucking short and to take whatever the fuck you wanted today because you might not live to see tomorrow.”
― Alexandra St. Pierre, The Mercenary and the Mortician

“Where do you want him?" he asked, and I sputtered. Where do I want him? Literally anywhere but inside my damn house!
"Do you have one of those human toasters? I don’t know much about funeral homes.
Do you just do the embalming, or do you handle the urn shit too?”
“You mean cremation?” I asked, feeling like I was fucking underwater.
His entire face lit up, and he snapped his fingers with the hand that wasn’t balancing a corpse over his shoulder.
"That’s the word. Cremation. Thanks.
That was going to bug the shit out of me.”
― Alexandra St. Pierre, The Mercenary and the Mortician