Elf Against the Wall Quotes

“No.” Anderson’s deep voice cut through my family’s excited chatter. “Evie is not your surrogate. The only man impregnating her is me.” “Whew! Now I’m dreaming of a white Christmas!” Granny Doyle fanned herself.”
― Alina Jacobs, Elf Against the Wall

“when you’re part of a big family, what’s more fun than passive-aggressively one-upping your siblings and/or cousins at being the perfect hostess?”
― Alina Jacobs, Elf Against the Wall

“It’s not a decision. It’s fate,”
― Alina Jacobs, Elf Against the Wall

“Why are you lying to me?” my older brother demanded. “What are you hiding?” Hudson and Grayson looked at me expectantly. “It was an accident,” Aaron, that fucker, piped up. “She hit him in the face with a dildo. Of course he’s going to lie to you, Hudson. It’s fucking embarrassing.” “It did that much damage?” Grayson peered at my face. “It was reinforced. It’s like a hunk of concrete.” I mimed. “With rebar.” Hudson swore violently. “That’s what went through my truck window, isn’t it?”
― Alina Jacobs, Elf Against the Wall

“Only,” I gasped, “if you leave the helmet on. Give me the full villain treatment.”
― Alina Jacobs, Elf Against the Wall

“Apologies are overrated. Get cash.”
― Alina Jacobs, Elf Against the Wall

“Oh, shut up, you shriveled labia.”
― Alina Jacobs, Elf Against the Wall

“It was a recent development.” My mouth was dry. “‘Once you have a murderer’s dick, you can’t go back’ type of thing?” Sawyer joked.”
― Alina Jacobs, Elf Against the Wall

“Someone call the cops!” Braeden yelped as Anderson slipped the helmet back on and disappeared out into the winter night. “Someone call animal control.” Aunt J fanned herself. “Fuck that!” Granny Doyle hooted. “Call the fire department. That was hot, hot, hot!”
― Alina Jacobs, Elf Against the Wall

“dried me up, and now here I am, about to have to change my underwear.”
― Alina Jacobs, Elf Against the Wall

“I’ll tell you!” Granny Doyle hollered through the doorway off the foyer. “It looks to me like she’s thinking with her vajazzlebiscuit. Can’t say I blame her. I thought menopause had”
― Alina Jacobs, Elf Against the Wall

“Kris Kringle on a freakin’ shingle.”
― Alina Jacobs, Elf Against the Wall

“It’s hard to find a billionaire IRL. You get tased if you get too close to one.”
― Alina Jacobs, Elf Against the Wall

“Oh, shut the hell up!” Granny Doyle interrupted. “My daughter didn’t ruin the Murphy name. You want to know why? Because Brian’s not a Murphy.” Gasps of surprise came from my father’s siblings. “That red hair wasn’t a recessive gene. It was just the gardener in a pair of skintight jeans.” “Lies! Slander!” Grandma Shirley screeched. My dad’s brother poured him a stiff drink. “It is true! I know because I slept with him too!” Granny Doyle declared. “Oh my god!” Aunt J exclaimed. “Mel, did you marry your brother?” My mom grabbed the bottle of vodka and downed several swallows. “Nah,” Granny Doyle said. “I know how to use a condom. Also, I did a DNA test just to be sure because I’m hip with the times. Now who’s the slut—but not in a slut-shaming way!”
― Alina Jacobs, Elf Against the Wall