Only Santas in the Building Quotes

“if he doesn’t like you at your worst, he doesn’t deserve you at your best.”
― Alexis Daria, Only Santas in the Building

“Oh, no. Did he pass away?” I infuse my voice with an appropriate amount of horror and sympathy, but I mostly want to know whether he died in my apartment. “Nothing like that. He moved to Florida.” Mr. Barnes shudders. “A worse fate I cannot imagine.”
― Alexis Daria, Only Santas in the Building

“It’s the moment when the girl in the teen rom-com abandons her glasses and ponytail and descends the stairs in all her prom-ready glory. It’s the moment when her high school crush finally sees her for the beautiful twenty-six-year-old actress that she is.”
― Alexis Daria, Only Santas in the Building

“I wouldn’t mind at all if he bit me. Not in a vampire way. In a sex way.”
― Alexis Daria, Only Santas in the Building

“I can’t wait to taste you,” he rasps”
― Alexis Daria, Only Santas in the Building

“Why the hell do I always have to look like such a train wreck when I run into him? Hmm, maybe because I’m depressed and grieving and my only coping mechanism is to drown myself in work? Just a thought!”
― Alexis Daria, Only Santas in the Building

“her knowing grin and propensity to bring me home-cooked food reminds me of my own grandmother, who died this past summer, leaving behind a void that will never be filled.”
― Alexis Daria, Only Santas in the Building

“and I return to my desk, where the round, blank eyes of a dozen Funko Pops stare me down. They’re some of the few things I’ve managed to unpack and my only companions. They remind me of the Precious Moments figurines that populated my grandmother’s living room, a thought that’s both comforting and a little unsettling.”
― Alexis Daria, Only Santas in the Building

“Anything and everything about you makes me moan.” “Even my dirty dishes?” “I told you, I like cleaning.” Now it’s my turn to moan. “I think that’s the sexiest thing anyone has ever said to me.”
― Alexis Daria, Only Santas in the Building

“Why, because you’ve stuffed my stocking with your massive candy cane?”
― Alexis Daria, Only Santas in the Building

“This year’s theme is Only Santas in the Building.”
― Alexis Daria, Only Santas in the Building

“From that moment on, I’ve fantasized about showing up at his door for a cup of sugar, wink wink nudge nudge, while wearing tiny shorts and a see-through top with a lacy bra underneath.”
― Alexis Daria, Only Santas in the Building

“You know that rare, beautiful moment when small talk takes a surprise turn and you’re suddenly connecting on a deeper level with the other person?”
― Alexis Daria, Only Santas in the Building

“The cat sniffs my fingertips thoroughly, probably smelling her owner—Roommate? Servant? Serf?—on them.”
― Alexis Daria, Only Santas in the Building

“I like cleaning. It gives my brain time to work out all the problems I’ve fed it over the course of the day.”
― Alexis Daria, Only Santas in the Building

“Look, I’ve been told in the past that I need to use my words more. I’m still working on it, but believe me when I say you have no fucking idea how long I’ve wanted this.”
― Alexis Daria, Only Santas in the Building

“Come on, Princess. You’ve got this. Come all over me . . . Yesss. Good girl.”
― Alexis Daria, Only Santas in the Building

“You feel incredible. God, Evie. Fuck. I . . . Are you okay?” Why, because you’ve stuffed my stocking with your massive candy cane?”
― Alexis Daria, Only Santas in the Building

“You mean because you’re built like the Abominable Snowman and I’m the size of the Sugar Plum Fairy?”
― Alexis Daria, Only Santas in the Building

“Evie, if he doesn’t like you at your worst, he doesn’t deserve you at your best.”
― Alexis Daria, Only Santas in the Building

“I was watching two guys maneuver my overstuffed cream couch up the narrow staircase while trying very hard not to yell Pivot! like Ross in Friends,”
― Alexis Daria, Only Santas in the Building

“It’s Theo Winters. My upstairs neighbor. And the subject of all my late-night fantasies.”
― Alexis Daria, Only Santas in the Building