The Usual Family Mayhem Quotes

“No more foxglove. We promise." Celia put up her hand as if she was making a pledge.
"Okay. Good." Not poisoning men seemed like a smart plan.
"We can always plant something else if we need it." Gram dropped that then started toward the house.
"Gram."
"If men behave they have nothing to worry about." She gestured for me to follow her. "Come on. You know I like to eat at six."
I watched Gram and Celia walk away from this perfectly normal conversation. Heard them arguing about the superiority of green beans over broccoli as a side dish. Smelled the lemony punch of magnolias in the yard. Thought about having a predinner doughnut.
Poison or not, it was good to be home.”
― HelenKay Dimon, The Usual Family Mayhem

“Apparently arsenic is odorless and can't be detected by taste, so it's easy to administer." Gram took another sip of tea. Then one more. "It often isn't detected in the bloodstream after death because no one thinks to test for it."
Look at Gram knowing all the arsenic facts.”
― HelenKay Dimon, The Usual Family Mayhem

“We do not deliver poison or funeral pie directly to a woman's door during an initial contact." Celia sounded pretty sure about that.
Gram rushed to clarify. "But we do give ideas on what a woman can do if she can't escape."
"So, poison." The way they danced around the poison question, taking it off the table then adding it back in again, switched my senses to high alert.
Gram shrugged. "Some men deserve a horrible end."
"It certainly sounds that way," Jackson mumbled under his breath.
I wanted to shout with pride about their ingenuity. I couldn't, of course, this would have to be a family secret.”
― HelenKay Dimon, The Usual Family Mayhem

“Society tended to dismiss and ignore older women. Big mistake. Never underestimate a woman due to her age.
Every word made me love and respect Gram more. She could have sat back and celebrated her escape. Stayed quiet and healed in private. No one would have blamed her, but she took a different path. She looked at the suffering passed in silence from generation to generation and said enough.”
― HelenKay Dimon, The Usual Family Mayhem

“Vigilante justice. People debated the appropriateness of terrible individuals who did terrible things to their supposed loved ones facing retribution outside a formal system. What was fair? What did justice require? No one ever asked the victims those questions. The burden to survive rested on them while the attacker could depend on the prejudices and faults within the system and the fickle demands of society to escape culpability.
Despite that, we had choices. We were sitting in a house, not operating in a courtroom with all its rules and limitations. This was real life, where the answers weren't so clear. If you felt alone and no one stepped up to help then that bright line between right and wrong could blur.
Maybe that's why I would have made a terrible lawyer. From my vantage point, the law malfunctioned many times when needed and delivered harsh blows often when unnecessary.”
― HelenKay Dimon, The Usual Family Mayhem

“Defeated by age, wisdom, and subterfuge weaponized by two sneaky ladies with CIA-level skills. They should have been undercover operatives. Knowing these two, maybe they were. They sure proved they could keep a secret.”
― HelenKay Dimon, The Usual Family Mayhem

“I'd note the difference between sixteen and twenty-three was a problem. The difference between twenty-six and thirty-three is not."
More math. This time interesting math.”
― HelenKay Dimon, The Usual Family Mayhem

“You think of me as a sister?"
"Not anymore."
Tension snapped around us. "Oh..."
"Not for years.”
― HelenKay Dimon, The Usual Family Mayhem

“This spreadsheet covered items already delivered. Every entry noted the person, general information, and the item sent. Coconut cream pie. Buttermilk pecan and strawberry rhubarb. Butterscotch, double peanut, and lemon icebox. So many choices. All of them sounded amazing. I hadn't had Patti's sawdust pie in years. The name had something to do with a lady likely named Patti. That was the extent of my Patti knowledge. But how had I missed out on a delicacy called grits pie?
Bottom line: they sold a lot of pies, and those pies weren't cheap. The pies were the lead seller at Mags' Desserts but cupcakes, scones, cakes, and muffins made a pretty impressive appearance on the list as well. Lots of people. Lots of orders.”
― HelenKay Dimon, The Usual Family Mayhem

“She'd lived long and survived some heartbreaking shit. Growing up with a father who spent most of his life sucking down whatever alcohol he could find only to escape to a husband who used his fists to carry his side of the conversation. The men in her life taught her to be on guard. Losing my mom, Gram's daughter, by her son-in-law's hand shaped everything that came after, including raising me to be bold, fight back, and detest violent men, especially the one who made my existence possible.”
― HelenKay Dimon, The Usual Family Mayhem

“Dogs are always better than men.”
― HelenKay Dimon, The Usual Family Mayhem

“Imagine homemade desserts, with pies being the star, made by two older Southern women using time-honored family recipes that elicit a feeling of nostalgia and luxury."
Brock snorted as he shook his head. "Food is a crowded field. There's no way---"
Micah held up a hand. "Let her finish."
Yeah, dumbass. Let me finish.
"This is about more than pies and desserts. It's about the story behind the desserts." I was in it now and didn't have a road map to lead me out again. "The backstory is inspiring. Two women of a certain age were married to completely useless men and ultimately forced to fend for themselves."
I let that last sentence splash around in the room's testosterone for a second.
"They rebuilt their lives by making and selling pies. Creating a business and a community around the pies that later expanded to include other desserts."
"So?" Brock excelled at missing the point and didn't disappoint here.
"Frankly, they're damn good pies. Right now, they're sold on a small scale all over the South via word of mouth and a website. They're special. Curated. Artisanal." I'd moved into the part of the pitch where I threw phrases together that may or may not have applied to pies, cupcakes, and other assorted dessert items because this room loved fancy buzzwords. "Now imagine taking this small grandma-run business nationwide. Making it the go-to dessert option for special occasions. Putting it in high-end grocery and specialty stores as well as on direct delivery. Creating demand like that lady did with cupcakes a decade or so ago."
Big fan. Loved the whole dessert family. And those cupcake vending machines? Genius.
Now I wanted a cupcake, so time to wrap this up. "If we focus on the pies for a second, once you convince people they need the pies, they'll pay for anything for those pies. Plus, you have built-in marketing gold in the form of two very feisty, self-made women who people will see as their grandmas.”
― HelenKay Dimon, The Usual Family Mayhem