Bradshaw on the Family Quotes

“Perhaps nothing so accurately characterizes dysfunctional families as denial.”
― John Bradshaw, Bradshaw on the Family: A New Way of Creating Solid Self-Esteem

“Chronically dysfunctioning families are also delusional. Delusion is sincere denial.”
― John Bradshaw, Bradshaw on the Family: A New Way of Creating Solid Self-Esteem

“The shared secret and the shared denial are the most horrible aspects of incest.”
― John Bradshaw, Bradshaw on the Family: A New Way of Creating Solid Self-Esteem

“The utter atrocities of Nazism have shown us clearly what the inherent potential of destruction in the parenting rules we have been using for the last 150 years. These rules are non-democratic. They are based on inequality of power and unequal rights. They promote the use and ownership of some people by others and teach the denial and repression of emotional vitality and spontaneity. They glorify obedience, orderliness, logic, rationality, power and male supremacy. They are flagrantly anti-life.”
― John Bradshaw, Bradshaw on the Family: A New Way of Creating Solid Self-Esteem

“Perhaps nothing so accurately characterizes dysfunctional families as denial. The denial forces members to keep believing the myths and vital lies in spite of the facts, or to keep expecting that the same behaviors will have different outcomes.
Dad's not an alcoholic because he never drinks in the morning, in spite of the fact that he's drunk every night.”
― John Bradshaw, Bradshaw on the Family: A New Way of Creating Solid Self-Esteem

“Eating disorders. You don’t know when you feel empty or hungry. You eat to fill up. You eat to feel full.”
― John Bradshaw, Bradshaw On: The Family: A New Way of Creating Solid Self-Esteem

“In 15 years of working with teenage drug abusers, I’ve never found a single one who was what I’d call only a chemical addict. As powerful as many of the current market drugs are, especially cocaine and crack, I’ve never yet worked with an addict who didn’t have the inner emptiness. I’ve been in my personal recovery for 30 years and I’ve never met a person in recovery from chemical abuse who didn’t have abandonment issues in the sense I have defined them.”
― John Bradshaw, Bradshaw On: The Family: A New Way of Creating Solid Self-Esteem

“The French novelist Léon Bloy once said, “There are places in the heart that do not yet exist; pain must be in order for them to be.”
― John Bradshaw, Bradshaw On: The Family: A New Way of Creating Solid Self-Esteem

“Closed systems are extremely dangerous because they deself their members and deprive them of self-esteem. Closed systems are dangerous because they allow no feedback. When no new information can be integrated into a system, it feeds upon itself and becomes an absolutizing agent. Its own beliefs become sacred laws; its own rules infallible; its own leaders all-powerful. This is exactly the problem with monarchial patriarchy and the poisonous pedagogy it spawns.”
― John Bradshaw, Bradshaw On: The Family: A New Way of Creating Solid Self-Esteem

“The law of differentiation is also important when trying to understand the differences between cultures and nations of the world. When people grow up enmeshed in their family systems, they tend to project that enmeshment onto their national system. Enmeshed nations become closed and prejudicial systems. A closed system sees any other system that is different from it as the enemy.”
― John Bradshaw, Bradshaw On: The Family: A New Way of Creating Solid Self-Esteem

“If we humans are essentially spiritual, then when we are abandoned, abused or enmeshed, we are spiritually violated. Indeed, when our caretakers acted shamelessly, they were playing God. Healthy shame tells us we are finite, limited and prone to mistakes. When our caretakers acted shamelessly, we were forced to carry their shame. Our self-esteem was wounded by that shame. Co-dependence is the outcome of this abuse.”
― John Bradshaw, Bradshaw On: The Family: A New Way of Creating Solid Self-Esteem

“Our lives are limited by our beliefs. In my active addiction, I believed that my life and happiness depended on external forces. I made decisions according to that belief. My false belief led me to make wrong choices. I ultimately created the kind of world I believed in.”
― John Bradshaw, Bradshaw On: The Family: A New Way of Creating Solid Self-Esteem

“Co-dependent issues are basically about relationship problems.”
― John Bradshaw, Bradshaw On: The Family: A New Way of Creating Solid Self-Esteem

“The fact is, we really never went through the pain. We developed a fantasy bond and used our primary ego defenses to avoid the anger, hurt and pain of our abandonment. Then we avoided our avoidance with our rigid roles and characterological defenses. We missed expressing the feelings at the crucial time.”
― John Bradshaw, Bradshaw On: The Family: A New Way of Creating Solid Self-Esteem

“Mourning is the ultimate work of the externalization process. Mourning is the only way to heal our unmet developmental dependency needs. Since we cannot go back in time and be children and get our needs met from our very own parents, we must grieve the loss of our childhood self and our childhood dependency needs. Grief is a complex process that involves a range of human emotions.”
― John Bradshaw, Bradshaw On: The Family: A New Way of Creating Solid Self-Esteem

“You can’t heal what you don’t feel.”
― John Bradshaw, Bradshaw On: The Family: A New Way of Creating Solid Self-Esteem

“When I showed myself, I found that I was accepted and loved. I recovered my sense of self-esteem. I started accepting myself. As I accepted myself, I accepted my feelings. As my trust grew, I came out of hiding more and more. I broke the no-talk rule: I shared my secrets, I was willing to be vulnerable, to be scared, awkward or embarrassed over the state of my life. As I felt and expressed those feelings, my three-trillion circuited computer began to function better and better. My group called this “getting your brains out of hock.” It was true: After I expressed my emotions, I had clearer insight. I started trusting my own judgment and perceptions. Consequently, I started making decisions. I chose to live one day at a time.”
― John Bradshaw, Bradshaw On: The Family: A New Way of Creating Solid Self-Esteem

“The first decision adult children who want to grow up need to make is to surrender.”
― John Bradshaw, Bradshaw On: The Family: A New Way of Creating Solid Self-Esteem

“F. False self—confused identity. Your self-worth depends on your partner’s success or failure. When you’re not in a relationship, you feel an inner void. You feel responsible for making your partner happy. You take care of people to give yourself an identity. You wear masks, calculate, manipulate and play games. You act out rigid family roles and/or sex roles. When your partner has a stomachache, you take the antacid.”
― John Bradshaw, Bradshaw On: The Family: A New Way of Creating Solid Self-Esteem

“L. Lack of coping skills (underlearning). You never learned how to do many things necessary for a fully functional life. Your methods of problem-solving do not work, but you continue to use the same ones over and over. You learned ways of caring for your wounds that, in fact, perpetuated them. You have no real knowledge of what is normal. Your bottom-line tolerance is quite abnormal.”
― John Bradshaw, Bradshaw On: The Family: A New Way of Creating Solid Self-Esteem

“You stand on the sidelines of life wishing you were a participant. You don’t know how to initiate a relationship, a conversation, an activity. You are withdrawn and would rather bear the pangs of being alone than risk interaction. You are not spontaneous. You allow yourself very little excitement or fun.”
― John Bradshaw, Bradshaw On: The Family: A New Way of Creating Solid Self-Esteem

“You have no memories of painful events of your childhood; you have a split personality; you depersonalize; you can’t remember people’s names or even the people you were with two years ago. You are out of touch with your body and your feelings.”
― John Bradshaw, Bradshaw On: The Family: A New Way of Creating Solid Self-Esteem

“Your personality was arrested at an early developmental age. You are an adult, but your emotional age is very young. You look like an adult but feel very childish and needy. You feel like the lifeguard on a crowded beach, but you don’t know how to swim.”
― John Bradshaw, Bradshaw On: The Family: A New Way of Creating Solid Self-Esteem

“As society is modeled after the monarchial patriarchal families we grow up in, society itself becomes a dysfunctioning family system.”
― John Bradshaw, Bradshaw On: The Family: A New Way of Creating Solid Self-Esteem

“Emotional abuse is a form of psychological battering. Psychological battering includes all forms of abuse because victims cannot be physically or sexually violated without also being psychologically battered. Emotional violence is involved in all abuse and causes the neglect of developmental dependency needs.”
― John Bradshaw, Bradshaw On: The Family: A New Way of Creating Solid Self-Esteem

“Without the energy of anger, we may become apathetic, a doormat and a people-pleaser. Anger is an emotion that is often confused with behaviors like hitting, screaming and cursing. The latter are behaviors based on judgment. They are not emotions. Angry emotions protect and preserve the individual.”
― John Bradshaw, Bradshaw On: The Family: A New Way of Creating Solid Self-Esteem

“The most dominant need that any child has is to gradually move from the complete environmental support of infancy and childhood to the self-support of maturity.”
― John Bradshaw, Bradshaw On: The Family: A New Way of Creating Solid Self-Esteem

“Hypervigilant and fear of losing control. You live in a state of readiness for attack. You feel jumpy and are easily startled. You have attacks of sudden fear or panic. You fear losing control.”
― John Bradshaw, Bradshaw On: The Family: A New Way of Creating Solid Self-Esteem

“Adult Children of Alcoholics. A Addictive/compulsive behavior or marry addicts D Delusional thinking and denial about family of origin U Unmercifully judgmental of self or others L Lack good boundaries T Tolerate inappropriate behavior
C Constantly seek approval H Have difficulty with intimate relationships I Incur guilt when standing up for self L Lie when it would be just as easy to tell the truth D Disabled will R Reactive rather than creative E Extremely loyal to a fault N Numbed out
O Overreact to changes over which they have no control F Feel different from other people
A Anxious and hypervigilant L Low self-worth and internalized shame C Confuse love and pity O Overly rigid and serious, or just the opposite H Have difficulty finishing projects O Overly dependent and terrified of abandonment L Live life as a victim or offender I Intimidated by anger and personal criticism, or overly independent C Control madness—have an excessive need to control S Super-responsible or super-irresponsible”
― John Bradshaw, Bradshaw On: The Family: A New Way of Creating Solid Self-Esteem

“Members of dysfunctional families give up their ego boundaries as a way to maintain the family system. Giving up ego boundaries is equivalent to giving up your identity.”
― John Bradshaw, Bradshaw On: The Family: A New Way of Creating Solid Self-Esteem