Happy Bloody Christmas Quotes

“Have I even got the app?’ I ask. I get easily overwhelmed by apps. At last count I have SIX different apps just for paying for car parks and yet somehow I still never have the one I need.”
― Jo Middleton, Happy Bloody Christmas

“doesn’t even matter because Oli can’t tell the difference with the coffee, but I will know and that’s the main thing.”
― Jo Middleton, Happy Bloody Christmas

“I invited Jennie to come and stay with us instead but she snorted and called Oli’s mum a ‘stuck-up cunt who looks like she’s got a sprig of holly up her fanny’ so I took that as a no.”
― Jo Middleton, Happy Bloody Christmas

“I sigh. One of my pet hates is my entire family’s inability to see things that are right under their noses. They all do it and it drives me nuts. I don’t know if they genuinely have something wrong with their eyes or if it’s just easier to whine until I come and find things for them.”
― Jo Middleton, Happy Bloody Christmas

“Perhaps I genuinely thought I was doing it for everyone else, but really, if I’m totally honest with myself, whether or not we have a Christmas table centrepiece or homemade gravy or wrapping paper made from the recycled birth certificates of orphans or whatever nonsense we’re made to believe is essential, it doesn’t make a bloody bit of difference to anyone.”
― Jo Middleton, Happy Bloody Christmas

“Nooooo! The Coco Pops!’ Oli was basically right, there could well be jizz in the cereal after all.”
― Jo Middleton, Happy Bloody Christmas

“Funnily enough,’ I spit, ‘the main thing I’ve had in mind today has been the corpse of my boss, which I discovered this morning amongst the cereal, which I’ve since learnt may or may not have also been wanked into.”
― Jo Middleton, Happy Bloody Christmas

“wish sometimes that my brain would fuck off and leave me alone, honestly.”
― Jo Middleton, Happy Bloody Christmas

“There is a brief moment with a hangover, just after you wake up, when you think perhaps that everything is going to be okay. And then you move and realise that it isn’t.”
― Jo Middleton, Happy Bloody Christmas

“he blows his nose loudly and then wipes his face, smearing snot into his eyebrows. I gag and then cough to hide it.”
― Jo Middleton, Happy Bloody Christmas

“Which bedding do you want me to use where?’ ‘Just use your initiative, Oli,’ I snap. ‘Honestly, I can’t be in charge of every single decision.”
― Jo Middleton, Happy Bloody Christmas

“but I’m a supermarket own brand multi-surface cleaner girl really. I just decant it into the nice brown glass bottle so that people will think I’m wholesome and care about the planet and probably steep my own cleaning sprays with home-grown lavender. Not that I don’t care about the planet of course, it’s just that it all takes up such a lot of time, doesn’t it? And when you’ve got a full-time job, two children, two cats and a husband who doesn’t even own any grout and tile deep cleaner, there isn’t a lot of time left for steeping things.”
― Jo Middleton, Happy Bloody Christmas

“Raising money for charity isn’t a well-known red flag for a murderer.”
― Jo Middleton, Happy Bloody Christmas

“sigh. One of my pet hates is my entire family’s inability to see things that are right under their noses.”
― Jo Middleton, Happy Bloody Christmas

“Sasha is vegan. Can you really see them as killers?”
― Jo Middleton, Happy Bloody Christmas

“I’m Detective Sergeant Bacon.’ I laugh.”
― Jo Middleton, Happy Bloody Christmas

“(another thing to add to the mental list of ‘jobs I haven’t done that mean I’m failing as an adult human’)”
― Jo Middleton, Happy Bloody Christmas