Clovenhoof Quotes

“He had decided that if he ever returned to his old job he would create a special level of hell, an enormous inescapable shop of attractive but useless and overpriced items that the damned would wander for eternity in the cold delusion that this was what they wanted. And then Nerys had taken him to IKEA and Clovenhoof realised the humans had once again beaten him to it.”
― Heide Goody, Clovenhoof

“Nerys looked at them. It was the sad, affectionate, look of a woman who’s about to have a favourite puppy made into a nice pair of gloves.”
― Heide Goody, Clovenhoof

“Oh, and reward cards. Another insanely brilliant soul-destroying human innovation. Make life a game. Collect points. Earn rewards. Distract yourself from any genuine goals and ambitions.”
― Heide Goody, Clovenhoof

“Sorry,” she said, squeezing past. “Off to get myself a man.” “At this time of day?” “Supermarkets are already open.”
― Heide Goody, Clovenhoof

“Hail to the Beast!’ Dun. Dun. Dun.”
― Heide Goody, Clovenhoof

“Nerys wondered if there was anyone she could really count as a friend. She’d always had best friends at school. A series of complicated affiliations that could change with a swift and crushing blow if one of them wore the wrong outfit or liked the wrong music. A couple of those friendships had lasted into her teens and she cursed herself for messing things up by sleeping with Claire’s boyfriend. And Catherine’s dad. She might have got away with it if they weren’t both at the same time.”
― Heide Goody, Clovenhoof

“Ooh, beetroot,” Ben said, as he gazed at the salad. “Gotta love beetroot, for making it through the digestive tract. It adds colour to your life today and tomorrow.”
― Heide Goody, Clovenhoof

“Hah! This one’s fun. Do you want to pick up that pen, sir?” He indicated to Michael, who picked up the pen. “It looks very much like any ordinary pen. Now would you click the top please?” Michael held it at arm’s length as he clicked the top and the pen was somehow transformed into a lightweight pitchfork.”
― Heide Goody, Clovenhoof

“Clovenhoof stopped a shelf-stacker with a left breast called Barbara.”
― Heide Goody, Clovenhoof

“Clovenhoof had orchestrated great plans and co-ordinated many minions in the pursuit of a single goal before. And getting demons to work together was like trying to herd cats. However, getting six year olds to do the right thing at the right time was like trying to herd neutrons in a nuclear reactor. They simply had too much energy. Before the morning was out, he had composed several angry letters to parents in his head on the subject of sugary cereal and snacks and why they should be replaced with a diet of gruel.”
― Heide Goody, Clovenhoof

“eBay had also removed several listings for him and sent him a stern message regarding inappropriate postings. He thought something ridiculous had to come to pass when one was barred from selling animals, old ladies and contract killings over the internet.”
― Heide Goody, Clovenhoof

“He was stark bollock naked?” said Nerys, laughing. “Like a newborn baby. And there were these two old ladies just staring at him, goggle-eyed.” “I’m surprised one of them didn’t have a stroke,” said Nerys. “Couldn’t reach,” said Ben,”
― Heide Goody, Clovenhoof

“All suffering means all suffering,” Peter said, “and some has been assessed as merely satisfactory. It’s not good enough.” “Surely satisfactory means that it is good enough,” said Satan. “Not anymore,” said Peter.”
― Heide Goody, Clovenhoof

“Satan nodded. “People are turning their backs on religion.” “It’s not so much that,” Mulciber said, “but it seems more acceptable than ever now to be religious and to treat people badly. You have crazy fundamentalists in every religion. They hate gays, foreigners, women. You name it, they’ll find you a reason in the bible or whatever to hate it.”
― Heide Goody, Clovenhoof

“And getting demons to work together was like trying to herd cats. However, getting six year olds to do the right thing at the right time was like trying to herd neutrons in a nuclear reactor. They”
― Heide Goody, Clovenhoof

“was just that, in his reckoning, sex was a bit like skiing. It was something other people did, something that, in a perfect world, he would like to try but he hadn’t had the training and wasn’t even sure he had the correct equipment.”
― Heide Goody, Clovenhoof

“think people might raise eyebrows at someone signing his name Satan or the Angel of the Bottomless Pit.”
― Heide Goody, Clovenhoof

“Good to see you again,” Clovenhoof called out, shielding his eyes with his hand. “You’re looking well. You’ve lost weight?”
― Heide Goody, Clovenhoof

“Scripture is written by men,” said Clovenhoof, “but ratified in Heaven.”
― Heide Goody, Clovenhoof

“Oh, do I have to spell it out?” said Nerys. “Being used as a sex toy by huge men.”
― Heide Goody, Clovenhoof

“Wearing your aunt’s cardigan, grabbing hold of men, making a scene. All part of the slow slide into madness,”
― Heide Goody, Clovenhoof

“If you’re Satan, why are you in Sutton Coldfield?”
― Heide Goody, Clovenhoof

“Yes, like, maybe you set up ways to bump into them, read up on subjects they’re interested in, or brush up on sexual techniques.”
― Heide Goody, Clovenhoof

“If anything they looked like an unholy Latino electro-synth rock band, fronted by a man who already seen too much of life.”
― Heide Goody, Clovenhoof

“But what about the Holy Mother?” said St Francis frostily. “Where is she at the moment? Appearwing on a tea towel in Mexico? Making statues weep in Tokyo? She’s never here. Are you going to tell Mary to wun her plans past this committee?”
― Heide Goody, Clovenhoof

“We started a bridge, but it’s never easy getting that lot to work on a project. They’re all too busy trying to stab each other in the back. Literally.”
― Heide Goody, Clovenhoof

“You,” said Michael. “It’s your nom de voyage. I think people might raise eyebrows at someone signing his name Satan or the Angel of the Bottomless Pit.”
― Heide Goody, Clovenhoof

“To consider opportunities for outsourcing the work of Hell to private contractors.”
― Heide Goody, Clovenhoof

“We’re a little disappointed,” said Saint Peter. “Let’s take the measure of suffering. This was very straightforward. All suffering should be graded as good or higher.”
― Heide Goody, Clovenhoof

“So, the rich investors are rich because they’ve been lending money to poor people and they use the money they make to put more poor people in debt.”
― Heide Goody, Clovenhoof