Dead Presidents Quotes

“They were going to continue to fight for their freedom. They were going to kill for it. Some of them were even willing to dry-hump the corpses if that would help.”
― Eirik Gumeny, Dead Presidents

“And then we all flew back to New Jersey on the back of my unicorn," said the donut guy. "You have a unicorn?!" asked Thor as excitedly as a six-year-old girl. "No." "Oh," replied Thor as sadly as a six-year-old girl who just found out unicorns weren't real.”
― Eirik Gumeny, Dead Presidents

“WHAT CAN YOU GET A WOOKIEE FOR CHRISTMAS WHEN HE ALREADY OWNS A COMB?”
― Eirik Gumeny, Dead Presidents

“The Lincolns urged the Jacksons to lay down their arms – and their legs, and their tire irons, and their shivs, and their makeshift cannons – and end their killing spree, before”
― Eirik Gumeny, Dead Presidents

“Through means no one was proud of, a team of reality show producers took control of the North American government after the previous administration just up and exploded. The”
― Eirik Gumeny, Dead Presidents

“Speaking of frightening, have you seen Charlie or Vicky? We made them leave the hotel because they kept loving all over each other. And not the fun to watch kind." "Not since we got back."   Queen Victoria XXX and Chester A. Arthur XVII had spent the past two weeks either holding hands and skipping through fields of daisies, or in cheap motels doing terrible, terrible things to one another. Currently, they were at a charming Italian restaurant – situated in an old German restaurant and run by a Chinese family – holding hands, staring deeply into one another's eyes, talking about their future, and "not" having a serious, meaningful relationship.”
― Eirik Gumeny, Dead Presidents

“Cowboys, Andy?" she asked. "Where the hell did you find cowboys at this hour?" Andrew Jackson II stood solemnly, a walking stick in his hands, his feet on the ceiling. "Never presume a man does not have cowboys at his disposal.”
― Eirik Gumeny, Dead Presidents

“Pneumatic penis you say?" replied the donut merchant. "What do you have in the way of chainsaw hands?”
― Eirik Gumeny, Dead Presidents

“Why are you chasing after that guy, out of curiosity?" "He stole our coal," said the boy. "Coal we mined and then sold for exorbitant and unethical rates," said the girl. "Why would you even do that?" asked the queen. "Don't you guys run on electricity? Or garbage? Or midget-marathoners? You know, like civilized people?" "What the hell are you talking about?" asked the feral girl. "If we switched off of coal our entire economy would collapse! We'd have to create one or even three identical economies to take its place. That's madness.”
― Eirik Gumeny, Dead Presidents

“Andrew Jackson II had hurried away from the smoking wreckage of Susan B. Anthony III's mansion with Queen Victoria XXX inferno-like on his heels. They had continued south for miles, racing by the heaped corpses and cannibalistic social reformers of Old Maryland. Every so often, the cloned president would turn and throw a rock or a skull wildly at the reincarnated queen, but he knew he was outmatched. A righteous Vicky was only slightly less dangerous than a vengeful one, but a Vicky running on dinosaur blood and non-lethal doses of atomic energy... Holy shit. Andrew Jackson II was screwed.”
― Eirik Gumeny, Dead Presidents

“And since Thor totaled my car," said the donut merchant, "this is really our only option. Unless you think we can walk the fifteen hundred miles to Las Máquinas without some kind of horrible fate befalling us." "I'll get Charlie's corpse out of the trunk," said Thor.”
― Eirik Gumeny, Dead Presidents

“I assure you this is entirely on the level," said Honest Clark of Honest Clark's Aerotorium honestly.”
― Eirik Gumeny, Dead Presidents

“They look like flamingos," said Thor, half a steak in his mouth. "Sick flamingos. And they smell like pee." "Yes, sir," explained Honest Clark. "They cool themselves by urinating on their own legs.”
― Eirik Gumeny, Dead Presidents

“The airlines had no choice but to ban every person in the world from flying. Within weeks, and for reasons unknown to them, the airlines all declared bankruptcy.”
― Eirik Gumeny, Dead Presidents

“I don't have time for this bullshit," barked Vicky, her hands balling into fists. "Let me cross this stupid-ass bridge so I can go murder someone.”
― Eirik Gumeny, Dead Presidents

“We've had problems with non-mutants coming here in the past, taking pictures of everything and stealing all our rocks for souvenirs. We need those rocks, too, you know. We are a very decorative people. We take our landscaping seriously. But thanks to you non-atomic jerks, the nearest retaining wall is a good fifty miles from here. Do you have any idea how hard it is to landscape without rocks? Or retaining walls? If cutting a few faces off is what it's going to take to get you to leave us alone, then so be it.”
― Eirik Gumeny, Dead Presidents

“Will it get us to Las Máquinas?" asked Thor. "Well," said Catrina, "if we replace the two flat tires –" The car backfired a few times and black smoke began pouring out of the exhaust pipe. "– and fix that –" The hood of the car popped open, then tore free of its hinges and crashed to the floor. "– and that –" The engine burst into flames. "– no." "Then I guess we're stealing a car.”
― Eirik Gumeny, Dead Presidents

“Alms for the poor," snarled the first priest. "That doesn't sound like a question the way you say it," said Queen Victoria XXX. The first priest hopped off the truck bed. "It's not.”
― Eirik Gumeny, Dead Presidents

“The fame and profit likewise failed to live up to the duo's expectations, manifesting almost entirely as infamy and lawsuits. This was in no small part due to the fact that Thor's solution to a cat up a tree was usually to level the tree with lightning. He also really enjoyed punching theologians. And anyone they were arguing with.”
― Eirik Gumeny, Dead Presidents