Funny Jokes for Adults Quotes

“The Late Night Traveler It was late and a traveler was looking for a room to spend the night.  He had stopped at every hotel and motel and there were no rooms available. At the far edge of town, he spotted one last motel.  It was his only hope. Unfortunately, the traveler was told by the clerk at this motel they had no rooms available also. “What am I to do?”  the traveler asked.  “Please, please you have to help me.  I have tried all the other places and there are no rooms and you are my last resort.”  ‘Well I do have a double room with only one occupant in it.  He stays here all the time. He probably won’t mind you staying in there and splitting the cost.  But I have to tell you, he snores very loud.  You may not get much sleep.” “Sounds great,” the traveler said and he took the room. The next morning when he was checking out, the clerk asked how he slept. “I slept very well, thank you,” the traveler said. “How were you able to sleep with all the snoring?” the clerk asked. “It wasn’t a problem at all,” the man said.  “When I got to the room I got undressed, walked over, gave him a little kiss on the cheek and said ‘goodnight,’ and he sat up all night watching me.”
― Peter Jenkins, Funny Jokes for Adults: All Clean Jokes, Funny Jokes that are Perfect to Share with Family and Friends, Great for Any Occasion

“My Car Was Broken Into An elderly woman calls 911 to report that her car had been broken into.  She was crying and didn’t know what to do. She explained to the 911 dispatcher, “Someone broke into my car and stole everything.  The stereo is gone, the steering wheel, the gear shift, even the floor pedals are missing!  What will I do?” “Stay calm, we will have an officer over there soon,” the dispatcher assured.  He reported the incident and sent an officer to the elderly woman’s location. A few minutes later, the dispatcher radioed the officer again and said, “Disregard that, she was sitting in the back seat by mistake!”
― Peter Jenkins, Funny Jokes for Adults: All Clean Jokes, Funny Jokes that are Perfect to Share with Family and Friends, Great for Any Occasion

“The Adopted Baby A young married couple learned early on they could not have children naturally so they decided to adopt. They had to go through quite a lengthy process, but one day they received great news.  Their adoption had gone through and they were to get a baby boy.  The young couple was overjoyed. A few days later they stopped by a community college and enrolled in a Japanese language night class. The clerk that registered the couple was curious and asked, “I’m just wondering why you want to study Japanese?” “Well, we just adopted a Japanese baby,” the father said, “and when he gets old enough to talk we want to be able to understand him.”
― Peter Jenkins, Funny Jokes for Adults: All Clean Jokes, Funny Jokes that are Perfect to Share with Family and Friends, Great for Any Occasion

“The Burglar Thinking that no one is home, a burglar breaks into a house.  He is very sneaky, quiet and doesn’t turn any lights on.  All of a sudden he hears a voice. The voice says, “I can see you and Jesus can see you.” Startled, the burglar stops in his tracks and listens.  He tries to figure out where the sound is coming from.   He doesn’t hear the voice again so he moves forward a couple of steps.  As soon as he does, he hears the same voice again, “I can see you and Jesus can see you.” The burglar decides to take out his flashlight.  He turns it on and points it in the direction of the voice.  He sees a parrot in a bird cage. “Was that you talking?” he says to the parrot. The parrot repeats, “I can see you and Jesus can see you.” Seeing this, the man says, “Ha, you are just a parrot. You can’t stop me.” “Yes, I am just a parrot,” the bird says.  “But Jesus is a Doberman!”
― Peter Jenkins, Funny Jokes for Adults: All Clean Jokes, Funny Jokes that are Perfect to Share with Family and Friends, Great for Any Occasion

“11 Funny Things to Do on an Elevator Say “DING” on every floor. Walk in with a small cooler and let everyone know there is a human heart in it. Make meow sounds like a kitten. Every time someone pushes a button make a small explosion noise. Every few seconds open your briefcase or purse just a crack, peer in and say “Do you have enough air in there?” Stand facing into a corner with your back to everyone and at every stop clap your hands and say yippee! Act real surprised, as if you passed gas and announce to everyone “Excuse me!” Slap your face and say, “Hush!  All of you, be quiet!” Put a puppet on one hand and talk to other passengers with it. With your finger, draw an imaginary square on the floor, step in it and tell everyone this is your private space. Keep muttering to yourself, “it’s okay…. you can do this.…it’s okay.…we’re almost there….”
― Peter Jenkins, Funny Jokes for Adults: All Clean Jokes, Funny Jokes that are Perfect to Share with Family and Friends, Great for Any Occasion

“The Lead Foot Driver My mom drives too fast.  I had been telling her for a long time that her lead foot was going to get her into trouble eventually.  Then it happened.  One day she was taking me to school.  We were running late, so she was driving fast.  Sure enough she passed a state trooper who quickly pulled us over.  He walked up to the car and explained that he pulled her over because she was speeding. My mom tried real hard to keep from getting a ticket.  She looked shocked and told the trooper, “I’ve never been stopped like this before.” “What do they usually do, shoot your tires out?” the trooper asked.”
― Peter Jenkins, Funny Jokes for Adults: All Clean Jokes, Funny Jokes that are Perfect to Share with Family and Friends, Great for Any Occasion

“Dorm Rules It was the first day of the new year at a college and the dean was addressing the freshman class. “We have very strict rules here regarding the dormitories,” the dean explained.  “The female dorms are not to be visited my any male student and the men dorms are off limits to the female students.” “Anyone caught breaking this rule will be fined $50 for the first time.” “Anyone caught breaking this rule a second time will be fined $100,” he added. “Breaking the rule three times will cost you $200.  Any questions?” the dean asked the students. One male student in the back raised his hand and spoke out, “How much for a season pass?”
― Peter Jenkins, Funny Jokes for Adults: All Clean Jokes, Funny Jokes that are Perfect to Share with Family and Friends, Great for Any Occasion

“We Carry Everything The manager of a hardware store over heard a customer and one of his employees talking the other day. “We haven’t had that in quite a while,” the employee told the customer.  “And I doubt we will be getting it anytime soon.” The manager quickly stepped in and assured the customer that the store would have whatever it was they wanted in just a few days.  The manager thanked the customer for her business and said he hoped to see her in the store again soon. After the customer left the store, the manager reprimanded the employee for answering a question in that manner.  “Never tell a customer we are out of something and most assuredly never tell them we won’t be getting the item in soon.  I can order anything and have it here in less than a week.”  “Now what did the customer want,” the manager asked. “Rain!”
― Peter Jenkins, Funny Jokes for Adults: All Clean Jokes, Funny Jokes that are Perfect to Share with Family and Friends, Great for Any Occasion

“Judge and the School Teacher The school teacher was late for school and was driving too fast.  The light ahead turned yellow, she thought she could make it and raced forward.   It turned red just before she entered the intersection. Unfortunately, a policeman saw her run through the red light and he wrote her a ticket. The school teacher hadn’t had a ticket in a long time.  She thought she would ask the judge if she could go to traffic school and keep the ticket off her record. “I have a good driving record; I am a school teacher and I would like to request that I be granted permission to go to traffic school,” she asked the judge. “So you are a school teacher,” the judge said with a smile.  “I have been waiting for this for years.” “I will allow you to go to traffic school if you write 500 times—I ran a red light and I promise to never do it again.”
― Peter Jenkins, Funny Jokes for Adults: All Clean Jokes, Funny Jokes that are Perfect to Share with Family and Friends, Great for Any Occasion

“The Best for His Father The man went to the mortuary to make arrangements for the funeral of his father who had just died.  The man explained that he wanted the very best for this father and not to spare any expense. After the funeral he was sent a bill for $20,000.   He knew his father had received the best the mortuary had to offer, so he gladly paid the bill. The next month he received a bill for $125.  The following month he received another bill for $125.  The third month he received a bill for $125 again.  He thought he had better figure out what these monthly charges were for, so he called the mortuary. The person he had worked with at the mortuary reminded the man that he had asked for the very best for his departed father.  In addition to the best coffin, the best flowers, and the best ceremony, they also rented for his father a tux.”
― Peter Jenkins, Funny Jokes for Adults: All Clean Jokes, Funny Jokes that are Perfect to Share with Family and Friends, Great for Any Occasion

“Thanksgiving A man calls his son on the phone the day before Thanksgiving and has a very important and startling conversation with him. “Son,” he says, “I have called to tell you that your mother and I are getting a divorce.  After 40 years of marriage I just can’t stand this anymore.  I am sick of her and can’t be in the same house with her any longer. We are finished.” “What are you talking about, you can’t leave mom?”  The son says. “Don’t try and change my mind, I have already decided.  We are getting the divorce tomorrow,” the father says, standing firm. The son is in total disbelief.   “You can’t do this dad.  We need to talk.  I am going to call my sister and we will fly there tonight and we will all talk it over tomorrow.”  And with that he hangs up. The father turns to his wife, smiles and says, “Our kids will be here for Thanksgiving and they are paying for their own way!”
― Peter Jenkins, Funny Jokes for Adults: All Clean Jokes, Funny Jokes that are Perfect to Share with Family and Friends, Great for Any Occasion

“Time Off A hard working man decided he needed some time off from work.  The only problem was his boss would not allow any extra days off.  So the man decided he would have to resort to acting like he was going crazy. One day he climbed up on his desk and wrapped his feet around the ceiling light and dangled there upside down. His boss walked in and asked what he was doing.  The man said “I am a light bulb.”  The boss said, “You must be going crazy, take a couple of days off.” The man agreed it was a good idea and as he was leaving his secretary got up to follow him.  The boss asked the secretary what she was doing.  She said, “I’m leaving too.  I can’t work in the dark.”
― Peter Jenkins, Funny Jokes for Adults: All Clean Jokes, Funny Jokes that are Perfect to Share with Family and Friends, Great for Any Occasion

“The Blind Man A woman was just about to step into the bath when there was a ring at her door.  “Who is it?” the woman asked. “Blind man,” a voice said. The woman felt in a charitable mood so she grabbed her purse without bothering to put on any clothes and went to the door to give the blind man a donation. She opened the door and the man gasped a little and said, “I’m here to deliver your blinds lady.  Where do you want me to put them?”
― Peter Jenkins, Funny Jokes for Adults: All Clean Jokes, Funny Jokes that are Perfect to Share with Family and Friends, Great for Any Occasion

“Talking Dog One day, while driving in the country, a man noticed a sign that said “Talking Dog for Sale.”  The sign pointed to a farm house off the road just a bit.  The man’s interest was piqued so he pulled off the road and headed up to the farm house. When he got there and inquired about the talking dog, the farmer told him the talking dog was around the back of the farm house.  The farmer said the man was welcome to go in back and talk with the dog. The man was in a serious state of disbelief, because he knew dogs couldn’t talk.  Still he was very curious so he headed around to the backyard. In the backyard the man noticed a poodle that quickly came up to him.  The man thought to himself, “Hmmm poodles are supposed to be smart dogs.” “Can you really talk?” the man asked the poodle. “I sure can,” replied back the poodle. “Wow,” exclaimed the man.  Wanting to hear more he asked, “So what’s your story?” “I discovered I could talk when I was very young,” said the poodle.  “I knew I had a real gift so I thought I should do something about it.  I joined the CIA and became one of their very best spies.  I was sent on many secret missions.  I traveled all around the world and was involved in many interesting and intriguing cases. I even helped save the life of the President on two occasions. After eight years I got tired of all the jetting around and decided to retire.  I was given several awards for all my achievements and a gala dinner, attended by many important people, was held in my honor.  I was given a full government pension and brought to this farm to enjoy the rest of my life.” After hearing all this, the man was astounded.  He quickly went back to the farmer and said, “I want that dog!  I will buy it at any price.  How much do you want for that dog?” “Ten dollars,” was the farmer’s reply. “Ten dollars?” the man said in disbelief.  “That dog is amazing, why on earth would you sell it for so little?” “Because he’s a big liar; he didn’t do any of those things!”
― Peter Jenkins, Funny Jokes for Adults: All Clean Jokes, Funny Jokes that are Perfect to Share with Family and Friends, Great for Any Occasion

“The Train Ride When traveling in Germany recently, I was surprised to find that my language, English, was not as widely spoken as I thought it would be.  Most people, I found, spoke in their native language. One day I was riding on a train when the ticket inspector came up to me and asked to see my ticket.  I showed it to him and he smiled and said something in German. I smiled and nodded back to show I was interested in what he was saying.  He waived his arms around like a windmill as he spoke.  I thought he was so nice but did not understand a single word. When he left a woman sitting in a compartment nearby leaned over and spoke to me.   She asked if I spoke German.  I told her I did not. “Oh,” she smiled.  “So that explains why you didn’t seem at all bothered when he explained you were on the wrong train.”
― Peter Jenkins, Funny Jokes for Adults: All Clean Jokes, Funny Jokes that are Perfect to Share with Family and Friends, Great for Any Occasion

“Dating It can be tough being the father of daughters, especially when they get to the age of dating. I was told by friends that I would probably disapprove of every guy my daughters went out with.  However, when that time came, I was surprised to find that warning untrue.  Each boy they brought home was polite, well spoken and had good manners. One day, I even decided to tell one of my daughters what excellent choices she and her sisters were making for their dates. “You know dad,” she told me.  “We don’t show you everyone!”
― Peter Jenkins, Funny Jokes for Adults: All Clean Jokes, Funny Jokes that are Perfect to Share with Family and Friends, Great for Any Occasion

“The Speeding Driver A policeman pulls over a car that was speeding and swerving. “I stopped you because you were speeding and swerving back and forth,” the policeman says to the driver.  “I need you take a breathalyzer test.” “Oh I can’t do that,” the driver explains.  “I have asthma and if I take your test I will have an attack and not be able to breathe.” “Well then your other choice is to come with me down to the station and we will have to draw a blood sample,” the policeman offers. “No, can’t do that either,” the driver states. “I am a hemophiliac and that would cause me to bleed to death.” “Then I will need you to step out of the car and walk this straight line,” the policeman offers as a last resort. “I’m afraid I can’t do that either,” the driver says. Starting to lose his patience, the policeman says, “And why not?” “Because I’m too drunk!”
― Peter Jenkins, Funny Jokes for Adults: All Clean Jokes, Funny Jokes that are Perfect to Share with Family and Friends, Great for Any Occasion

“Playing Cards Two senior citizens were playing cards together when one looked up and said, “Please don’t get mad at me, but I have forgotten your name.  Would you please tell me your name again?” “You should know my name, we have been acquaintances for years,” the friend said. “I know I should remember your name, but I have tried and tried and I just can’t think of it.  I am so sorry.  Please tell me again.” For two solid minutes the friend just glared back and said nothing.   Then finally she said, “How soon do you need to know?”
― Peter Jenkins, Funny Jokes for Adults: All Clean Jokes, Funny Jokes that are Perfect to Share with Family and Friends, Great for Any Occasion

“The Honest Real Estate Agent “It is important that I am honest with you,” the real estate agent said to a man interested in buying a new home.  “I am going to tell you the advantages about this house and the disadvantages.” “Okay give me the disadvantages of the house first,” the man said. “The biggest disadvantage of the house is that it sits near a manure factory,” the real estate agent explained. “Hmmm that’s interesting,” acknowledged the man.  What are the advantages?” “Well,” said the real estate agent.  “The biggest advantage is that you will always know what direction the wind is blowing.”
― Peter Jenkins, Funny Jokes for Adults: All Clean Jokes, Funny Jokes that are Perfect to Share with Family and Friends, Great for Any Occasion

“Julia’s New Home Julia’s teacher asked how she liked the new home her family had just moved into.  “I just love it,” said 7 year old Julia.  “I have a room that’s all mine.  My brother and sister also have their own room now.” “That sounds great,” the teacher said. “But there is still one problem,” Julia said.  “Poor mom is still in there with dad.”
― Peter Jenkins, Funny Jokes for Adults: All Clean Jokes, Funny Jokes that are Perfect to Share with Family and Friends, Great for Any Occasion

“The Big Test Paul had an important test coming up in school.  To motivate him to study hard, his father said he would pay him $10 if he did well on the test. The day of the test finally came and Paul came home from school with a big smile on his face. His father looked up when he saw Paul, waiting to hear the news. “Hey dad,” Paul said.  “Remember that money you said you were going to  give me after my test?” His father said, “Yes.” “Well I just saved you ten bucks!”
― Peter Jenkins, Funny Jokes for Adults: All Clean Jokes, Funny Jokes that are Perfect to Share with Family and Friends, Great for Any Occasion

“The Daring Bicyclist Jim was always trying different things.  On this particular day he decided he wanted to see how fast a person could ride a bicycle before it became too hard to ride. So he asked a friend if he could tie his bike to the bumper of his car as he drove faster and faster.  His friend agreed. Before they got going they agreed on a way to communicate.  Jim would ring the bell on his bicycle once if he wanted to go faster, twice if the speed was good and repeatedly if he wanted to go slower. So the two adventurers took off and things were going pretty well.  The driver got up to over 50 miles per hour and Jim was able to handle that speed, following along on his bike. All of a sudden a shiny red sports car came up from behind.  The driver pulled alongside and revved up his engine as if he wanted to race.  Jim’s friend accepted the challenge and started to speed up.  He went faster and faster and soon forgot all about poor Jim tied to his bumper. A little way down the road, as the cars raced side by side, a policeman with a radar gun sat and watched as they sped past.  The policeman clocked them at 99 miles per hour. Before the policeman started to pursue the speeding cars, he reported in to headquarters on his radio.  “You are not going to believe this,” the policeman said.  “I am about to go after two cars racing down the road doing almost 100 miles per hour and there is this guy on a bicycle riding behind them waving his arms and ringing a bell trying to pass them!”
― Peter Jenkins, Funny Jokes for Adults: All Clean Jokes, Funny Jokes that are Perfect to Share with Family and Friends, Great for Any Occasion

“The Guest Speaker The guest speaker for an event was running late and left home in such a hurry that he forgot his false teeth.  When he sat down at the head table he realized he had forgotten his teeth. He didn’t know what he was going to do.  There was not enough time to go back home and he had to speak soon. He explained the predicament to a man sitting next to him. To his surprise the man said, “Oh no problem,” and pulled out of his pocket a set of false teeth.  “Here try these.” The speaker tried them, but they were too loose. The man pulled out of another pocket a different set of false teeth.  “Give these a try,” he said. This second set did not fit well either, still too tight. The man said, “I have one more set you can try.” This set fit perfectly.  The guest speaker ate dinner and then enamored the crowd with his talk.  As everyone was leaving the speaker walked up to the man and returned the borrowed false teeth.  “Thanks for helping me out of a real jam there,” the speaker said.  “Say, I really like your style and I am looking for a new dentist.  Where is your office, I would like to come for a visit sometime?” The man said, “I was glad to help and you are welcome to come by my office anytime to visit.  But I am not a dentist.  I am a mortician.”
― Peter Jenkins, Funny Jokes for Adults: All Clean Jokes, Funny Jokes that are Perfect to Share with Family and Friends, Great for Any Occasion

“Telemarketers I love messing with Telemarketers, especially when I am registered with the National No Call list and I still get calls. So the other night I get a call and it is for me, right.  I know some of you might think this is bad karma, but I decide to have a little fun with the man on the other end.  “I tell him the person he is looking for does not live here any longer.  “But,” I explain, “I do have a forwarding number.” The telemarketer is anxious to get the new number. When he calls the number he will be surprised to find it is for the local cemetery.”
― Peter Jenkins, Funny Jokes for Adults: All Clean Jokes, Funny Jokes that are Perfect to Share with Family and Friends, Great for Any Occasion

“Hang Gliding Jim Bob had always wanted to try hang gliding, but it was pretty expensive. So he worked hard and over time was able to save enough money to buy his new toy.  When he got home, he read through the manual and quickly assembled his glider.  Then he took it up the highest mountain, near his home.  He readied everything for his first flight and got strapped in.    Just like he had learned, he ran as fast as he could to the edge of the cliff and jumped into the wind.  He was flying! Around that same time Ma and Pa Kettle were sitting on their front porch enjoying some tea together.  Pa was looking up into the sky, enjoying the calm of the early evening, when he suddenly let out a gasp and said, “That has got to be the biggest bird I have ever seen!”  “I need my rifle, can you get it for me Ma?” he asked his wife. Ma Kettle ran into the house and returned shortly with a long rifle.  She handed it to Pa.  He took aim and fired twice at the big bird.  The bird kept sailing through the sky.  “It looks like you missed,” Ma said. “Yes, but at least that bird let go of Jim Bob.”
― Peter Jenkins, Funny Jokes for Adults: All Clean Jokes, Funny Jokes that are Perfect to Share with Family and Friends, Great for Any Occasion

“The Big Question One day Timmy came home from school and asked his father a question.   “Dad, what is sex?” Timmy asked.   “Oh boy, here we go,” his dad thought to himself.   So Timmy’s dad went through a long and lengthy explanation about the birds and the bees.   When he was finished he asked Timmy if there were any questions.   Timmy answered, “No, but how am I going to put all that information in this little box on this form I have to fill out where it says sex?”
― Peter Jenkins, Funny Jokes for Adults: All Clean Jokes, Funny Jokes that are Perfect to Share with Family and Friends, Great for Any Occasion