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To Catch a Firefly To Catch a Firefly by Emmy Sanders
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“Have you ever wanted someone so much,” I say slowly, “that it feels like your atoms are vibrating when you’re away from them? Like you’re half of a whole, and your body knows it. And until you’re in their arms again, every single piece of you is straining toward them because…because they’re your home. They’re part of you. Your beginning and your never-ending.”
― Emmy Sanders, To Catch a Firefly
“We’ll never be done. Me and you, we don’t have an ending.”
― Emmy Sanders, To Catch a Firefly
“What is it?” I ask. The softness in his gaze floors me, as does his answer. “Looking.” “You’ve seen me a million times,” I point out, heart pounding. His expression manages to convey how much of an idiot I am, while also weakening my knees. “Never enough.”
― Emmy Sanders, To Catch a Firefly
“I knew it then, and I know it now. He’s a firefly. Luminous and wild. He was never meant to be trapped. Not here and not with me.”
― Emmy Sanders, To Catch a Firefly
“But we’re not done,” he says vehemently, stepping into my space. “We’ll never be done. Me and you, we don’t have an ending.”
― Emmy Sanders, To Catch a Firefly
“Not everyone is going to understand you, Ellis. But it’s not your job to make them.”
― Emmy Sanders, To Catch a Firefly
“Many people hear the word autistic, and they think of easily recognizable traits. They think of tics. Outbursts. They think of obsessions with trains. They don’t see the shy kid who’s fascinated with color and glass. They don’t think of the girl with few friends who shows strong leadership skills. But the autism spectrum is as vast and varied as those glass jars Ellis collects. No two situations are the same, and at the end of the day, ASD or not, Ellis is his own person. He’s his own unique person just like everybody else. He’s not broken. He doesn’t need to be fixed. None of us are perfect, but I love my son just as he is. And you do, too. Don’t you?”
― Emmy Sanders, To Catch a Firefly
“Yeah,” he says quietly. “Me and you, right, El?” “Me and you,” I answer.”
― Emmy Sanders, To Catch a Firefly
“With the moon lending its soft glow through the window, Lucky falls asleep. And I learn what it is to cradle a firefly in my palms.”
― Emmy Sanders, To Catch a Firefly
“I was ten years old when I met Lucky. I knew it then, and I know it now. He’s a firefly. Luminous and wild. He was never meant to be trapped. Not here and not with me. And in a few days, I’ll finally watch him fly away.”
― Emmy Sanders, To Catch a Firefly
“Can you imagine knowing the world viewed you as broken at five, six, seven years old? Because Ellis did. And I was reinforcing that notion by pushing him so hard to be normal. God, how I hate that word.”
― Emmy Sanders, To Catch a Firefly
“Maybe, when it comes down to it, love is in the act of living. It’s choosing—breathing—that person every single day.”
― Emmy Sanders, To Catch a Firefly
“I’ve always preferred my own company to others’. It’s easier when I don’t have to worry about my words not coming out right. Or not coming out at all.”
― Emmy Sanders, To Catch a Firefly
“Attraction can be swift, instantaneous and all-consuming, like wildfire. It can be slowly crafted and tended to over time, an ever-changing canvas, brush strokes built over one another until the picture is clear. It can be lost, I think, for some.”
― Emmy Sanders, To Catch a Firefly
“I’ll call,” he says, repeating his words from earlier. “And you’ll answer.”
― Emmy Sanders, To Catch a Firefly
“There are strings connecting us, so many of them. I don’t think we could ever be unraveled.”
― Emmy Sanders, To Catch a Firefly
“He never was mine to keep. No matter how much I wish it.”
― Emmy Sanders, To Catch a Firefly
“And what would Lucky say if he knew? What would he think of these feelings I’ve been hiding? Would he—could he—feel the same?”
― Emmy Sanders, To Catch a Firefly
“I feel like an idiot that it took me this long to see it. But I’m not about to waste any more time away from the one person who has always felt like my port. The person I return to, time and time again. The one I come home to. Because he is. Ellis is home to me.”
― Emmy Sanders, To Catch a Firefly
“And I’m here. I’m here, okay? So kiss me. Kiss me, please, or I swear to God—” As a tornado rages somewhere overhead, that leash around my heart snaps, and I give in to the thing I want above all else. I lunge forward and kiss my best friend.”
― Emmy Sanders, To Catch a Firefly
“I suppose, in the end, it doesn’t matter when things started to change. Because Lucky’s path has been set from the moment he came into my life. “I’m gonna get out of this town one day, El.” He never was mine to keep. No matter how much I wish it.”
― Emmy Sanders, To Catch a Firefly
“I want to see it, Ellis.” The tornado? “The world,” he answers, despite me not having said a word. “I want to experience life.” There’s life happening right here. But I don’t think it’s enough for Lucky.”
― Emmy Sanders, To Catch a Firefly
“If you ever decide to love someone,” he says slowly, “they’ll be very lucky.” He already is.”
― Emmy Sanders, To Catch a Firefly
“Taking a step forward, I tip Lucky’s chin. His eyes catch mine and his lips pop open, and when I lean down to press my mouth to his, his fingertips dig into my arm. Not pushing, though, holding. I’ve never kissed before, either, but Lucky deserves a first with someone who loves him. At least I can give him that.”
― Emmy Sanders, To Catch a Firefly
“We’re friends, yes. Always. But we’re more than that, too. Lucky is… He’s my everything.”
― Emmy Sanders, To Catch a Firefly
“I don’t have time to unwrap those words before Lucky is going up on his toes, tugging me in by the back of the neck, and pressing his lips to mine.”
― Emmy Sanders, To Catch a Firefly
“No two situations are the same, and at the end of the day, ASD or not, Ellis is his own person. He’s his own unique person just like everybody else. He’s not broken. He doesn’t need to be fixed. None of us are perfect, but I love my son just as he is. And you do, too. Don’t you?”
― Emmy Sanders, To Catch a Firefly
“Finally, I say, “When you’re…gone, you… You share your life. With me. Your adventures and… And your joy.” I set my gaze on the corn as I go on. “It means the world to me, Luck. To be a part of that. I… Please don’t stop just…just because I was…” Scared, I can’t say. I can’t. I let out a small breath before continuing. “I don’t ever want to lose…the place I have in your world.”
― Emmy Sanders, To Catch a Firefly
“It’s not that I don’t want to talk, especially to her. But words, for me, have never been easy. They don’t always come out right, as if having to wade through a bog from my brain to my mouth, and it’s exhausting having to constantly make that journey. People don’t often like to wait for me to get it right, and I’ve learned it’s easier to stay quiet. Besides, the important people understand me anyway”
― Emmy Sanders, To Catch a Firefly
“I will love you for all of our days. I will cherish you the way you deserve. I will hold you every chance I get. And I will be closer than that any time you need it. I will treat you more carefully than glass. I will hug you before every flight. I will kiss you all the days we’re together. And I will think of you any day we are not.”
― Emmy Sanders, To Catch a Firefly

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