What This Comedian Said Will Shock You Quotes

“I mark the onset of American decline to the moment parents started siding with their children instead of with the teachers.”
― Bill Maher, What This Comedian Said Will Shock You

“Falsehood flies, and the truth comes limping after it,”
― Bill Maher, What This Comedian Said Will Shock You

“Honestly, have you ever seen a fat ninety-year-old?”
― Bill Maher, What This Comedian Said Will Shock You

“Before Instagram, you could be a loser but not feel it, because the winners weren’t always in your face. But now even the most mundane post of avocado toast in a hipster coffee shop sends the message “I’m having fun and you’re not. Enjoy your Cup O’ Noodles, loser.” Social media tells you everyone is having more fun with more toys and more friends than you. They’re always in Saint Kitts having mai tais at sunset, while you’re in Canoga Park selling your plasma at dusk. YOLO! We used to wake up, read the paper, see all the terrible things in the world and say, “Well, at least my life is better than those poor slobs’ ”—but now it’s the opposite.”
― Bill Maher, What This Comedian Said Will Shock You

“Congressperson” is literally the only job in the world you can get with so much prestige and so many perks while being a complete doofus with absolutely no skills, knowledge or qualifications.”
― Bill Maher, What This Comedian Said Will Shock You

“Social justice warriors, on the other hand, caught Steve Martin calling Carrie Fisher “beautiful” in a tweet and made him take it down. I’m not making that up. Here’s Steve’s offensive tweet: “When I was a young man, Carrie Fisher was the most beautiful creature I had ever seen. She turned out to be witty and bright as well.” How could he! Steve, we thought we knew you, but this? You noted her appearance first, and then that she was witty and bright? What a monster. This has become a hallmark of stupid wokeness: getting offended for people who themselves would not be offended. Democrats have gone from the party that protects people to the party that protects feelings. From “Ask not what your country can do for you” to “You owe me an apology.”
― Bill Maher, What This Comedian Said Will Shock You

“which included this: “I’m more conservative than I ever thought I would be, but when I am I try to own up to the fact that it comes from cynicism about how effective government can really be. It comes from lost idealism, from my brain winning and my heart losing. I go with it when it would be stupid not to, but it’s nothing to crow about. It should not be forgotten that being liberal is what a nation should aspire to, just as it is what a person should aspire to. Liberal means open-minded, willing to try new things, eager to get to the next place.”
― Bill Maher, What This Comedian Said Will Shock You

“College degree? You don’t even need a high school degree. Lauren Boebert didn’t get one, and she sits on the Budget Committee. If she wasn’t in Congress, she could probably get a shift at a truck stop, dusting the jerky. But then she wouldn’t have two paid-for offices, one in DC, one in her district. She wouldn’t have a staff that answers the phone for her and kisses her ass all day. No one would put her on TV and ask her opinions. She couldn’t go on exotic paid-for trips—I mean, fact-finding missions”
― Bill Maher, What This Comedian Said Will Shock You

“He lies like a goose shits—if he’s not doing it that very moment, he’s about to.”
― Bill Maher, What This Comedian Said Will Shock You

“Football is a body-crushing, brain-wrecking game—but we all know that now, so either ban it or shut up about it. And I say that as someone who is not callous to the suffering: when I see a receiver go over the middle and get hammered, I always”
― Bill Maher, What This Comedian Said Will Shock You

“As long as they don’t mix up the Astroglide and the Poligrip, I’m for it.”
― Bill Maher, What This Comedian Said Will Shock You

“The reelection rate in the House for incumbents in 2022 was 95 percent—that’s better job security than a pedophile priest has.”
― Bill Maher, What This Comedian Said Will Shock You

“Yesterday I asked ChatGPT, “Are there any similarities between today’s Woke Revolution and Chairman Mao’s Cultural Revolution of the 1960s?” and it wrote back, “How long do you have?”
― Bill Maher, What This Comedian Said Will Shock You

“C’mon, they said it about radio and the telephone and TV.” Yeah, it sounds like that argument might be right—but it’s not. Not if you think about it for more than two seconds. I don’t remember lugging a TV under my covers so I could watch Huckleberry Hound until the screen asked me “Are you still watching?” I looked forward to seeing I Dream of Jeannie once a week, but it didn’t throw off my circadian rhythm. I liked McHale’s Navy, but I wasn’t addicted to it; I didn’t watch it when I drove. Radio to TV was a difference in degree; smartphones are a difference in kind—less like TV or radio and more like a pacemaker. Something you can’t live without.”
― Bill Maher, What This Comedian Said Will Shock You

“California’s”
― Bill Maher, What This Comedian Said Will Shock You

“saw a guy at a funeral in February wearing cargo shorts and a “Who Farted?” T-shirt. May he rest in peace.”
― Bill Maher, What This Comedian Said Will Shock You

“But then she wouldn’t have two paid-for offices, one in DC, one in her district. She wouldn’t have a staff that answers the phone for her and kisses her ass all day. No one would put her on TV and ask her opinions. She couldn’t go on exotic paid-for trips—I mean, fact-finding missions.”
― Bill Maher, What This Comedian Said Will Shock You

“her”
― Bill Maher, What This Comedian Said Will Shock You

“wasn’t”
― Bill Maher, What This Comedian Said Will Shock You

“College degree? You don’t even need a high school degree. Lauren Boebert didn’t get one, and she sits on the Budget Committee. If she wasn’t in Congress, she could probably get a shift at a truck stop, dusting the jerky.”
― Bill Maher, What This Comedian Said Will Shock You

“College degree? You don’t even need a high school degree. Lauren Boebert didn’t get one, and she sits on the Budget Committee. If she wasn’t in Congress, she could probably get a shift at a truck stop, dusting the”
― Bill Maher, What This Comedian Said Will Shock You

“Democrats”
― Bill Maher, What This Comedian Said Will Shock You

“No one knows more about being pushed off land than the Jews themselves, including being almost wholly kicked out of every Arab country they once lived in. In the seventy years from 1948 to 2018, the Jewish population of Morocco went from 265,000 to 2,150; Tunisia, from 105,000 to 1,050; Egypt from 75,000 to 100 and Syria from 30,000 to 100; Algeria, from 140,000 to less than 50, Iraq from 135,000 to less than 10. Libya from 38,000 to… zero.”
― Bill Maher, What This Comedian Said Will Shock You

“After World War II, twelve million ethnic Germans got shoved out of Russia and Poland and Czechoslovakia because being German had become kind of unpopular. A million Greeks were shoved out of Turkey in 1923, a million Ghanaians out of Nigeria in 1983, almost a million French out of Algeria in 1962.”
― Bill Maher, What This Comedian Said Will Shock You

“I used to say our elections went on far too long, but you know what? No. Americans are dumb; they need the extra time. I used to think we should do it like the British, where an election takes five weeks, or France, where the official length of the campaign is two weeks. I’ve been to France; it takes that long to get a waiter to notice you. And these are people who will spend three days shopping for a cheese that goes with pears. Their idea of fast food is a snail. When they cooked Joan of Arc, she was still pink in the middle.”
― Bill Maher, What This Comedian Said Will Shock You