The Last Girlfriend on Earth Quotes

“I know the odds are against us. I know she’s a siren. I know she’s eaten people. I know she’s five thousand years older than me. But I really like her.”
― Simon Rich, The Last Girlfriend on Earth: And Other Love Stories

“Before OkCupid profiles became mandated by the Galactic Government, the only way to find a mate was to self-induce brain-damage and beg strangers for sex in public. The fact that anyone ever achieved sexual congress during these dark times is a remarkable testament to man's will to survive.”
― Simon Rich, The Last Girlfriend on Earth: And Other Love Stories

“It’s not just about Jen,” he said. “It’s about the entire romantic system. Ninety-nine percent of men are in love with the top one percent of women. And yet they often refuse to date us. It’s a complete injustice.”
― Simon Rich, The Last Girlfriend on Earth: And Other Love Stories

“I spend long, long time in shoe box.”
― Simon Rich, The Last Girlfriend on Earth: And Other Love Stories

“I still believe that change is possible. With enough hard work and organization, there’s no reason activists can’t stop genocide, achieve nuclear disarmament, eradicate poverty, or end all human wars. But when it comes to the stuff that really matters, the stuff that really counts? There’s nothing you can do.”
― Simon Rich, Man Seeking Woman (originally published as The Last Girlfriend on Earth): And Other Love Stories

“Well, that’s splendid!” Mr. Goat said. “As long as we preserve our friendship—that’s the important thing.” “Yes!” Olivia said. “Exactly!” There was a pause. “Can I kiss you?” Mr. Goat said. Olivia groaned. “I just want to be friends,” she said firmly. “That’s all.” “I”
― Simon Rich, Man Seeking Woman (originally published as The Last Girlfriend on Earth): And Other Love Stories

“Maybe Artist is hard job. It is not for me to say. But I would be surprised if it was as hard a job as Rock Thrower. Throwing rocks is not so easy. For example, five years ago, one of my shoulders detached from my arm when I was throwing a boulder off a cliff. And two years after that, the other shoulder detached also. I can still throw rocks. But now, when I throw them, I am screaming. Not just once in a while, but constantly. Every time I throw a rock I am screaming, so loud. I do not always realize I am screaming—it is just part of my life. Usually, by sundown, I have no voice left. It is gone, you understand, because I was screaming so much from the pain of throwing rocks. Another thing is that sometimes I fall off the cliff, which is a bad situation.”
― Simon Rich, Man Seeking Woman (originally published as The Last Girlfriend on Earth): And Other Love Stories

“Not much is known about pre-Internet courtship rituals. But presumably, if a twentieth-century male was in need of sexual release, he had no choice but to physically approach a female and, without any kind of warning, begin speaking to her. Needless to say, this must have been a highly upsetting experience for everyone involved. In order to mitigate the horror of the situation, primitive humans relied on a poison known as beer (figure 1) to damage their brains to the point of near unconsciousness.”
― Simon Rich, Man Seeking Woman (originally published as The Last Girlfriend on Earth): And Other Love Stories

“Otto could be extremely convincing. During our sophomore year, he’d persuaded me to boycott McDonald’s, even though they’d recently brought back the McRib.”
― Simon Rich, The Last Girlfriend on Earth: And Other Love Stories

“Saw you by the Dumpster, eating a pile of what appeared to be human vomit. You seemed like someone who doesn’t take himself too seriously. Not sure if you’re male or female, but either way I’d love to smell your genitals. Let me know if you’re intrigued.”
― Simon Rich, Man Seeking Woman (originally published as The Last Girlfriend on Earth): And Other Love Stories

“Before OkCupid profiles became mandated by the Galactic Government, the only way to find a mate was to self-induce brain damage and beg strangers for sex in public. The fact that anyone ever achieved sexual congress during these dark times is a remarkable testament to man’s will to survive.”
― Simon Rich, Man Seeking Woman (originally published as The Last Girlfriend on Earth): And Other Love Stories