Good Elf Gone Wrong Quotes

“There is money at the end of this rainbow of shit, I reminded myself.”
― Alina Jacobs, Good Elf Gone Wrong

“You know, I did two combat tours in Iraq, and somehow being your fake boyfriend is way more of a clusterfuck,” he”
― Alina Jacobs, Good Elf Gone Wrong

“Our love endures because you endure me. –H”
― Alina Jacobs, Good Elf Gone Wrong

“Fuck you, Hudson Wynter. I hope Santa drop-kicks you off a roof!”
― Alina Jacobs, Good Elf Gone Wrong

“This is what I need, I told myself, rolling my neck, trying to loosen my shoulders. Just some good ol’ fashioned violence.”
― Alina Jacobs, Good Elf Gone Wrong

“Granny Murray stated. “God doesn’t give with both hands. A man’s not going to have a giant dick, a hot body, and a big bank account. You have to pick one.”
― Alina Jacobs, Good Elf Gone Wrong

“Was it too early for a drink? Didn’t 1950s housewives start drinking at like nine in the morning?”
― Alina Jacobs, Good Elf Gone Wrong

“It’s the holidays,” Anderson said carefully. “They make people crazy, give people existential crises. There’s not a lot of sunlight. You start remembering the bad times with your family, thinking about another year over, another year possibly wasted. You’ll feel like your old self in January.”
― Alina Jacobs, Good Elf Gone Wrong

“She is sick of incompetent men being given all the credit and all the benefit of the doubt. New Year’s resolution—I am not making myself small so that rude pompous men can feel better about themselves. Put up or get out.”
― Alina Jacobs, Good Elf Gone Wrong

“Sure”
― Alina Jacobs, Good Elf Gone Wrong

“I’ll get the shotgun,” one of my uncles said with a chuckle. “We’ll have roast cheater for Christmas dinner.”
― Alina Jacobs, Good Elf Gone Wrong

“To anyone whos ever consumed an entire bottle of wine and a gingerbread house in one sitting…this one’s for you.”
― Alina Jacobs, Good Elf Gone Wrong

“Gracie and I met in a gas station restroom.” The dining room was so quiet you could hear elf footsteps. Hudson took a sip of his beer. I scrunched down in my seat. I had a sinking feeling this was not going to be a wholesome story about how he’d caught me when I slipped on a spilled slushie. “We hooked up,” Hudson said, wiping his mouth with his sleeve. “I didn’t know her name.”
― Alina Jacobs, Good Elf Gone Wrong

“I perched on the far side of my seat, trying to get as far away from my fake boyfriend as possible without it looking like I was terrified to be that close to so much testosterone. Your family is supposed to think you’re in a relationship. Hudson set me on edge. There was no way I’d ever be in a relationship with a man like him. I couldn’t take the heat. Hudson was a flaming shot of whisky in a dive bar. I was more of a hot-cocoa-and-marshmallows-on-a-West-Elm-couch type of girl.”
― Alina Jacobs, Good Elf Gone Wrong

“My phone dinged with an incoming photo. “Oh my lord,” I said as the photo finished downloading. Wasn’t it illegal to send photos like that? It was … well it wasn’t almost porn. It was literally porn.”
― Alina Jacobs, Good Elf Gone Wrong

“Do you take credit card?” I fumbled for my wallet. Mr. Bad Boy took the credit card from me, face softening. “Actually, I think we can help each other out. I have a rich grandmother I need to impress with a pretty girlfriend so I can get my billion-dollar inheritance.” “Oh, really?” I cried. “That works out perfectly then.” “No,” he snarled and threw the credit card at me. “This isn’t a fucking Hallmark movie, Sugarplum. I want cash: $5,000.” I sucked in a breath. “You sure you don’t want that hand job?” He gave me a wolfish smile. “Fine. You dress up in a sexy elf outfit and let me have you however I want for a weekend, and we’ll call it even.”
― Alina Jacobs, Good Elf Gone Wrong

“Knitting clutched in my hands, I turned to the bad boy sitting next to me. “Do … um …” I cleared my throat. “Do you have a girlfriend?” His finger paused on the page he was turning. He fixed those pale-silver eyes on me, a dusty gray like the winter sky. “No. Why? Are you offering?” “Sort of. See, I kind of need to break up my sister and her boyfriend. She’s dating my ex. He’s a jerk. It’s complicated. But I need you to be my boyfriend so I can ruin her wedding. I don’t know if you do that type of work?” I smiled hopefully. The book closed with a loud thud.”
― Alina Jacobs, Good Elf Gone Wrong

“That fucking bitch. Sorry, I know she’s your sister, but she is a fucking bitch,” Dakota said defiantly. “You can’t let this go. Stealing your fiancé is one thing. Honestly? James kind of sucked, and I never liked him. Kelly did you a favor. But destroy a hundred-plus-year-old dress? That bitch needs to be cunt punted into next Christmas.”
― Alina Jacobs, Good Elf Gone Wrong

“New Year’s resolution—I am not making myself small so that rude pompous men can feel better about themselves. Put up or get out.”
― Alina Jacobs, Good Elf Gone Wrong

“I fucking hate Christmas.”
― Alina Jacobs, Good Elf Gone Wrong

“I’m going to make a white Christmas in your ass.”
― Alina Jacobs, Good Elf Gone Wrong

“Hudson was a flaming shot of whisky in a dive bar. I was more of a hot-cocoa-and-marshmallows-on-a-West-Elm-couch type of girl.”
― Alina Jacobs, Good Elf Gone Wrong

“That bitch needs to be cunt punted into next Christmas.”
― Alina Jacobs, Good Elf Gone Wrong

“It’s the holidays,” Anderson said carefully. “They make people crazy, give people existential crises.”
― Alina Jacobs, Good Elf Gone Wrong

“You didn’t raise me to be selfish. Instead, you raised me to be compliant and put others’ needs and feelings first. Maybe you should have made me stand up for myself more, to have more confidence.”
― Alina Jacobs, Good Elf Gone Wrong