How to Love Someone Without Losing Your Mind Quotes

“I’ve spent decades unpacking and analyzing my trauma. And I’ve spent decades helping others do the same. Yet the remnants of my past experiences remain. The thing about trauma is, it doesn’t just stop. There is no cure; it continues to live within us. It remains within our bodies, often below the level of our consciousness. Like a lingering shadow, it can slip into our present experiences, subtly (or not so subtly) influencing our thoughts, feelings, and actions, even if we’re not explicitly thinking about the traumatic events. It’s an ongoing process and working through it can be complex and time-consuming, but it is an essential part of healing and moving forward.”
― Todd Baratz, How to Love Someone Without Losing Your Mind: Forget the Fairy Tale and Get Real

“This is something I regret, and something I would encourage you to investigate ASAP if you’re in a relationship. If you haven’t already, start now. Consider crafting a relationship contract that lays out the foundations and guidelines for the various facets of your relationship, including the inevitable conflicts that arise. While the content of the contract is up to you, I recommend that it address how you’ll handle a range of issues such as disappointments, conflicts, differences in needs and desires, frustrations, communication styles, and mismatched libidos. Essentially, address all potential challenges proactively, in the abstract, before they become concrete, real-world problems. Also, begin having these conversations from the start of your relationship, so that when challenges inevitably arise in years two, five, ten, or twenty, you will already have the language and tools required to navigate them. Many couples are not proactive in their communication because they never learned how to be, but it’s never too late to start.”
― Todd Baratz, How to Love Someone Without Losing Your Mind: Forget the Fairy Tale and Get Real

“The reality of adult love is that it is conditional, inherently uncertain, and fraught with risk. The idea of security is a total illusion. A literal mindfuck. Not to mention this cruel twist of fate: that we are unconsciously drawn to partners who mirror our unresolved issues from childhood.”
― Todd Baratz, How to Love Someone Without Losing Your Mind: Forget the Fairy Tale and Get Real

“Don’t Wait: Have All the Talks This is for single people and couples. Ask questions right from the beginning. Build a culture of open and direct communication from the start. This will make it easier to have these conversations years later—if you get there. But always ask, “What are you looking for?” Right from the beginning. And then check in with your partner about how the relationship is going for them. For some reason, people have developed intense anxiety and fear around being the one to have “the Talk.” Defining or redefining the relationship is actually an important factor of relational health. You’re not being too needy for wanting to make sure yours and your new partner’s goals are aligned. Rest assured, seeking clarity and alignment of goals doesn’t make you excessively demanding. On the contrary, it’s a crucial skill that reflects bravery, intellect, and emotional maturity. If your partner struggles to receive or respond to your communication, it’s important to remember that their difficulties are not a reflection of you. Their resistance is not a Stop sign or an indicator that you’re wrong or bad. It’s merely an expression of difference. Keep talking.”
― Todd Baratz, How to Love Someone Without Losing Your Mind: Forget the Fairy Tale and Get Real

“Cue thousands of Instagram posts encouraging the no-contact rule and implicitly shaming anyone who continues a relationship with their ex. But the story of relationships and their endings is far too complex for us to apply solution-focused changes aimed at reducing pain. Still, every one of my friends and every therapist on Instagram advises against talking to an ex. No contact, cold turkey, zero—a crazy idea to me. In my work, I’ve noticed that more than half of my clients will continue to communicate with their former partner, maintaining some form of connection. Even a friendship. This happens despite the discouraging advice recommending a complete cutoff. But we, as a society, might be better off trying to understand our need to continue a connection with an ex than condemning or strongly advising against it. Maybe it’s time we reconsidered our attitude toward post-breakup connections. Instead of dismissing them as unhealthy, we could try to understand the motives behind our choice to stay in touch. After all, each relationship and breakup is unique, and the two (or more) people involved in a ruptured relationship are in the best position to judge what serves their emotional needs and personal growth. The idea of cutting an ex out of your life completely is also extremely heteronormative. Many queer people (like me) don’t have their family of origin to fall back on. Our “families” are therefore sometimes our friends, partners, and ex-partners, the people we form deep connections with. Alex was my family for ten years. So, for me, cutting him out of my life entirely wasn’t so simple.”
― Todd Baratz, How to Love Someone Without Losing Your Mind: Forget the Fairy Tale and Get Real

“Things We All Do in Extraordinary Ways We actively choose and even seek out partners who will love us in ways that feel familiar. Yes, the person you’re dating is, in one way or another, symbolic of your experiences from childhood. We co-create a dynamic that resembles a re-enactment of our earlier experiences and that will leave us feeling something very familiar. We feel entitled to a variety of things from our partner to make those feelings go away. I see each re-enactment as an unconscious chance to regain control of something that was once painful, intolerable, or absent. It’s about gaining power, not over that thing, but from within. In re-enacting a past pattern, we unconsciously re-create a dynamic that allows us to do something different and to transform.”
― Todd Baratz, How to Love Someone Without Losing Your Mind: Forget the Fairy Tale and Get Real

“Anyone you love will disappoint you. They will be a mixture of all the wonderful things you thought they were and all the absolutely frustrating things you thought you wouldn’t ever again have to deal with in a partner. I’m sorry to break it to you, but if you want to move toward a more mature version of love, you will have to let go of idealized futures and other fantasies and accept the brutal reality that your partner, like all human beings, will be fundamentally flawed. (News flash: You are, too; it goes both ways.)”
― Todd Baratz, How to Love Someone Without Losing Your Mind: Forget the Fairy Tale and Get Real

“We are pursuing a marketed version of love. You know what I’m talking about. Happily ever after. The fairy tale of the perfect match, the soulmate, or the one where it “all makes sense.” An instantaneous and easy version of love that requires no effort with zero hurt.”
― Todd Baratz, How to Love Someone Without Losing Your Mind: Forget the Fairy Tale and Get Real

“Whenever you’re going through something hard, you must take into consideration the whole context. Start with your family, then shift toward your friends, work, environment, and beyond. If you’re not close with your family, are struggling socially, are on the fence about your job, or hate your home, any loss will feel very hard. There are layers or spheres of influence that will exert pressure on certain situations, making them feel more intense. If you sprain your ankle and already have knee problems, the ankle pain will feel worse. The same goes for relationships.”
― Todd Baratz, How to Love Someone Without Losing Your Mind: Forget the Fairy Tale and Get Real

“If you’re going through a breakup, so long as your ex wasn’t abusive, talk to them if you want, but address things as needed. Form a totally new relationship with them after the breakup, one defined by different rules. If you avoided difficult conversations when you were together, don’t do so with them now, in your new, refashioned relationship. Be honest with yourself, and be brave. If you have residual feelings for your ex, it’s okay to remain in contact with them, but make sure to set firm boundaries. Have a conversation with them (and yourself) about what is unfolding. Don’t ignore it, even if your ex wants to.”
― Todd Baratz, How to Love Someone Without Losing Your Mind: Forget the Fairy Tale and Get Real

“The more I worked with individuals and couples on their relationships, the more I noticed the similarities in their stories. Everyone in my practice was relationally anxious, with urgent concerns about their relationships, but despite the uniqueness of each person, the underlying themes remained remarkably similar: Everyone has relational trauma that they re-enact within the context of dating or in intimate relationships (trauma they’re not aware of and yet are anxious about). Everyone has unrealistic expectations about relationships and sex (expectations they’re not aware of and yet are anxious about). Everyone feels shame for how they’re experiencing their life, relationships, and sexuality (shame they are very much aware of and anxious about).”
― Todd Baratz, How to Love Someone Without Losing Your Mind: Forget the Fairy Tale and Get Real