Ultimate Book of Jokes Quotes

“Q: When do you stop at green and go at red? A: When you’re eating a watermelon.”
― Scott McNeely, Ultimate Book of Jokes: The Essential Collection of More Than 1,500 Jokes

“Grandpa recently turned sixty-five and went to the doctor for a complete physical. After an exam the doctor said grandpa was doing “fairly well” for his age. Grandpa was a little concerned and asked, “Doc, do you think I’ll live to eighty?” The doctor asked, “Do you smoke tobacco or drink alcohol?” “Oh no,” Grandpa replied, “and I don’t do drugs, either.” “Do you have many friends and entertain frequently?” Grandpa said, “No, I usually stay home and keep to myself.” “Do you eat beef and pork?” “No, my other doctor said red meat is unhealthy!” “Do you spend a lot of time doing things in the sun, like playing golf, sailing, or bicycling?” “No, I don’t.” “Do you gamble, drive fast cars, or have lots of sex?” “No, I don’t do any of those things anymore.” The doctor looked at Grandpa and said, “Then why do you care?”
― Scott McNeely, Ultimate Book of Jokes: The Essential Collection of More Than 1,500 Jokes

“A horse walks into a bar. The bartender looks up and says, “Hey buddy, why the long face?”
― Scott McNeely, Ultimate Book of Jokes: The Essential Collection of More Than 1,500 Jokes

“Two old men are sitting on the front porch of their retirement home. One man turns to the other and asks, “Do you still get horny?” “Oh yes, sure I do.” “What do you do about it?” the first man asks. “I usually suck a lifesaver or two,” the second man replies. After a few moments the first man asks, “Who drives you to the beach?”
― Scott McNeely, Ultimate Book of Jokes: The Essential Collection of More Than 1,500 Jokes

“A child walks in to the living room and asks, “Dad, where does poo come from?” Without wanting to be too explicit the father replies, “Well, first Mommy makes us dinner. Then we eat it. Then the body takes away all the goodness from the food to make us strong. Then we sit on the toilet. What’s left comes out as poo.” Looking horrified the child asks, “But Dad, what about Tigger and Eeyore??”
― Scott McNeely, Ultimate Book of Jokes: The Essential Collection of More Than 1,500 Jokes

“A blind man walks into a bar, makes his way to a bar stool, and orders a drink. After sitting there for a while, he yells to the bartender, “Hey, you wanna hear a blonde joke?” The bar falls absolutely quiet. In a very deep, husky voice the woman next to him says, “Before you tell that joke, sir, I think it’s only fair that you should know five things: First, the bartender is a blonde girl with a baseball bat. Second, the bouncer is a blonde girl. Third, I’m a blonde with a black belt in karate. Fourth, the woman sitting next to me is a blonde and a professional boxer. Fifth, the lady to your right is a blonde and a decorated war veteran.” She puts her hand on the blind man’s arm and says, “Now think about it seriously, mister. Do you still want to tell that blonde joke?” The blind man thinks for a second, shakes his head, and mutters, “Naw, not if I’m gonna have to explain it five fucking times.”
― Scott McNeely, Ultimate Book of Jokes: The Essential Collection of More Than 1,500 Jokes

“Q: What did one saggy boob say to the other saggy boob? A: If we don’t get some support soon, people are going to think we’re nuts.”
― Scott McNeely, Ultimate Book of Jokes: The Essential Collection of More Than 1,500 Jokes

“Q: What kind of bees give you milk? A: Boobees.”
― Scott McNeely, Ultimate Book of Jokes: The Essential Collection of More Than 1,500 Jokes

“Q: Why are there only 238 beans in Irish chili? A: Because just two more makes it two-farty.”
― Scott McNeely, Ultimate Book of Jokes: The Essential Collection of More Than 1,500 Jokes

“Q: Why did the little boy put lipstick on his head? A: He wanted to make up his mind.”
― Scott McNeely, Ultimate Book of Jokes: The Essential Collection of More Than 1,500 Jokes

“Q: Why did the golfer wear two pairs of pants? A: In case he got a hole in one.”
― Scott McNeely, Ultimate Book of Jokes: The Essential Collection of More Than 1,500 Jokes

“Q: What is the fruitiest subject at school? A: History, because it’s full of dates.”
― Scott McNeely, Ultimate Book of Jokes: The Essential Collection of More Than 1,500 Jokes

“Q: What do you call a small river that runs into the Nile? A: Juvenile.”
― Scott McNeely, Ultimate Book of Jokes: The Essential Collection of More Than 1,500 Jokes

“A little boy walks into a barbershop. The barber whispers to his customer, “This is the world’s dumbest kid. Watch and I’ll prove it to you.” The barber puts a dollar bill in one hand and two quarters in the other, then asks the little boy, “Hey kid, which do you want?” The boy takes the quarters and leaves. “What did I tell you?” said the barber. “The kid never learns!” Later the customer sees the little boy eating an ice cream and says, “Hey, little boy, why do you always take the quarters instead of the dollar bill?” The boy licked his cone and answered, “Because the day I take the dollar, the game is over.”
― Scott McNeely, Ultimate Book of Jokes: The Essential Collection of More Than 1,500 Jokes

“Q: What did one toilet say to the other toilet? A: You look a little flushed.”
― Scott McNeely, Ultimate Book of Jokes: The Essential Collection of More Than 1,500 Jokes

“Q: What did one wall say to the other wall? A: I’ll meet you at the corner.”
― Scott McNeely, Ultimate Book of Jokes: The Essential Collection of More Than 1,500 Jokes

“Q: What has four legs but can’t walk? A: A table.”
― Scott McNeely, Ultimate Book of Jokes: The Essential Collection of More Than 1,500 Jokes

“Q: What do you call cheese that isn’t yours? A: Nacho cheese.”
― Scott McNeely, Ultimate Book of Jokes: The Essential Collection of More Than 1,500 Jokes

“Q: Why did the orange go to the hospital? A: It wasn’t peeling well.”
― Scott McNeely, Ultimate Book of Jokes: The Essential Collection of More Than 1,500 Jokes

“Q: Why did the cookie go to the hospital? A: It felt crummy.”
― Scott McNeely, Ultimate Book of Jokes: The Essential Collection of More Than 1,500 Jokes

“Q: Where do burgers like to dance? A: A meatball.”
― Scott McNeely, Ultimate Book of Jokes: The Essential Collection of More Than 1,500 Jokes

“Q: What did the grape do when he got stepped on? A: He let out a little wine.”
― Scott McNeely, Ultimate Book of Jokes: The Essential Collection of More Than 1,500 Jokes

“Q: What did the tomato do after falling behind in the race? A: Ketchup.”
― Scott McNeely, Ultimate Book of Jokes: The Essential Collection of More Than 1,500 Jokes

“Q: What’s the difference between broccoli and boogers? A: Kids won’t eat broccoli.”
― Scott McNeely, Ultimate Book of Jokes: The Essential Collection of More Than 1,500 Jokes

“Q: What do you call an ant that prefers to be alone? A: Independant.”
― Scott McNeely, Ultimate Book of Jokes: The Essential Collection of More Than 1,500 Jokes

“Q: What do you call a sleeping bull? A: A bulldozer.”
― Scott McNeely, Ultimate Book of Jokes: The Essential Collection of More Than 1,500 Jokes

“Q: Why do gorillas have big nostrils? A: Because they have big fingers.”
― Scott McNeely, Ultimate Book of Jokes: The Essential Collection of More Than 1,500 Jokes

“Q: Why do bees have sticky hair? A: Because they use honeycombs.”
― Scott McNeely, Ultimate Book of Jokes: The Essential Collection of More Than 1,500 Jokes

“Q: What do cats have for breakfast? A: Mice Crispies.”
― Scott McNeely, Ultimate Book of Jokes: The Essential Collection of More Than 1,500 Jokes

“Q: What did the duck say to the store clerk? A: Just put it on my bill.”
― Scott McNeely, Ultimate Book of Jokes: The Essential Collection of More Than 1,500 Jokes