The Defining Decade Quotes

“Twentysomething relationships prepare us for marriage and other partnerships. Twentysomething plans help us think across the years and decades ahead. Twentysomething setbacks ready us for handling difficulties with our spouses and bosses and children.”
― Meg Jay, The Defining Decade: Why Your Twenties Matter--And How to Make the Most of Them Now

“Twentysomething jobs teach us about regulating our emotions and negotiating the complicated social interactions that make up adult life. Twentysomething work and school are our best chance to acquire the technical, sophisticated skills needed in so many careers today.”
― Meg Jay, The Defining Decade: Why Your Twenties Matter--And How to Make the Most of Them Now

“the brain changes in response to the environment and to experience.”
― Meg Jay, The Defining Decade: Why Your Twenties Matter--And How to Make the Most of Them Now

“Forward thinking doesn’t just come with age. It comes with practice and experience.”
― Meg Jay, The Defining Decade: Why Your Twenties Matter--And How to Make the Most of Them Now

“The late-maturing frontal lobe might seem like a good reason to postpone action, to wait until thirty after all to get started on a life.”
― Meg Jay, The Defining Decade: Why Your Twenties Matter--And How to Make the Most of Them Now

“Adult dilemmas—which job to take, where to live, whom to partner with, or when to start a family—don’t have right answers. The frontal lobe is where we move beyond the futile search for black-and-white solutions as we learn to tolerate—and act on—shades of gray.”
― Meg Jay, The Defining Decade: Why Your Twenties Matter--And How to Make the Most of Them Now

“Many of my clients are confused by the fact that they went to good colleges, yet they don’t know how to start the careers they want. Or they don’t understand how they could have been valedictorians but are unable to make decisions about whom to date and why. Or they feel like fakes because they managed to get good jobs yet cannot calm themselves down at work. Or they can’t figure out how twentysomethings who did not do so well in school are now outpacing them in life.”
― Meg Jay, The Defining Decade: Why Your Twenties Matter--And How to Make the Most of Them Now

“in our twenties, the quick, hot, impulsive, pleasure-seeking, emotional brain is ready to go, while the slow, cool, rational, forward-thinking frontal lobe is still a work in progress.”
― Meg Jay, The Defining Decade: Why Your Twenties Matter--And How to Make the Most of Them Now

“Describe one thing you would like to change about your current self by the age of thirty. Say something about how you plan to do it and what might (but won’t) get in the way.”
― Meg Jay, The Defining Decade: Why Your Twenties Matter—And How to Make the Most of Them Now

“What are your eating habits? Do you exercise? Do you have physical health or mental health struggles I should know about? Do you use alcohol or drugs? What level of alcohol or drug use do you think is acceptable once people become parents? What should we do if one of us has concerns about these areas? 24. How do you feel about us doing things without each other? Are you comfortable with my going out for dinner or drinks without you? What if I want to spend time on the weekend doing activities with friends? What about getaways or other trips without you? How much alone time do you want or need? 25. What makes you happy? What are some of the happiest times of your life and why? How do you make yourself feel good? Do you have habits or hobbies that lift you up? What, if anything, gets in the way of your doing those things on a regular basis? Do you need me to make you happy? 26. What makes you feel loved? What can I do so you feel appreciated? 27. What do you need after a tough day? How do you relieve stress? What can I do to help you feel supported? 28. What is a question I should be asking that is not on this list? 29. What is a question you would like to ask that is not on this list?”
― Meg Jay, The Defining Decade: Why Your Twenties Matter--And How to Make the Most of Them Now

“21. How will you spend your free time? What does your ideal Saturday or Sunday look like? Do you have a hobby or interest that will affect my life in terms of time or money spent? How much couch time do you want? If we have children, how will you handle having less free time? Do you think we should have an equal amount of leisure time even after we have kids? 22. Have you ever cheated on a partner? If so, when and why? Is it possible you will cheat on me? 23. Are you healthy?”
― Meg Jay, The Defining Decade: Why Your Twenties Matter--And How to Make the Most of Them Now

“18. Where do you want to live? Are you an urban dweller or a suburbanite? Do you need to be near nature or the coliseum? Do want to live in an apartment or a house? Do you want to settle down in one place or live life on the move? Do you want to live near your family or mine or neither? Do you imagine any of this changing if we have children? 19. Why do you like me? What are the things that you like about our life together so far? What is it about me that makes you want to stop looking for someone else? 20. How important is travel to you? What sort of trips would you like to take—or not—as a couple or a family? Do you have a travel “bucket list”? Retirement may be a long way away, but do you imagine yourself having adventures or watching the sunset from home?”
― Meg Jay, The Defining Decade: Why Your Twenties Matter--And How to Make the Most of Them Now

“18. Where do you want to live? Are you an urban dweller or a suburbanite? Do you need to be near nature or the coliseum? Do want to live in an apartment or a house? Do you want to settle down in one place or live life on the move? Do you want to live near your family or mine or neither? Do you imagine any of this changing if we have children? 19. Why do you like me? What are the things that you like about our life together so far? What is it about me that makes you want to stop looking for someone else? 20. How important is travel to you? What sort of trips would you like to take—or not—as a couple or a family? Do you have a travel “bucket list”? Retirement”
― Meg Jay, The Defining Decade: Why Your Twenties Matter--And How to Make the Most of Them Now

“14. What role will our extended families play in our lives? How close are you with your family? How do you treat them, and what does this mean about how you will treat me? How often would you like to see your parents and/or siblings? Would you like to live near them? How will we spend holidays: with your family, my family, neither, both, or some combination? What family traditions did you grow up with that you would like to continue? How might these things change once we have kids? Who comes first: our nuclear family or our extended families? 15. How will we handle problems? What should we do when we don’t agree? What sort of conflict resolution do you want to model for kids? How do you respond when you don’t get your way? If one of us is unhappy in our marriage, what should we do about it? Would you be willing to go to counseling? What do you think of divorce as an option and why? 16. How will we keep our relationship alive over the long run? How will we notice—and cultivate—the good things? How should we make time for us? A weekly date or a monthly weekend getaway or a yearly vacation or some combination? What will we do when we notice these things not happening or when money and time are tight? 17. What does your future look like? Where do you see yourself five, ten, or twenty years from now? Is your future self compatible with my future self?”
― Meg Jay, The Defining Decade: Why Your Twenties Matter--And How to Make the Most of Them Now

“13. What standard of living do you imagine having? What sort of standard of living did you enjoy (or not) growing up? What sort of house or neighborhood did you live in when you were young? What were holidays and vacations and summers and weekends like for you as a kid—and is this what you want life to be like for your own children? Would you rather spend money on things or experiences? Are you on track to earn the money it takes to support your preferred lifestyle—or do you expect your partner (or parents) to provide?”
― Meg Jay, The Defining Decade: Why Your Twenties Matter--And How to Make the Most of Them Now

“11. Who will do the cooking? Will one person take the lead on cooking and grocery shopping, or will we divide it somehow? Can you cook now? If not, when were you planning to learn or begin? Who did the cooking in your house when you were growing up? 12. How do you like to keep house? How organized are you? Do you prefer clutter or minimalism? How clean are we going to keep our place? How are we going to split up housework like vacuuming or mopping or cleaning the kitchen and bathrooms? How often will these tasks happen? How will the laundry get done? What about any yard work? Would you like to make paying someone else to do these chores a financial priority?”
― Meg Jay, The Defining Decade: Why Your Twenties Matter--And How to Make the Most of Them Now

“Do we need to ask each other before making purchases of a particular size? Will we talk about our finances on a weekly or monthly basis, or will one person mostly “handle it”? When will we start saving or investing, and how will we learn about it? Do you want a prenup? 5. Do you want to have kids? If so, how many and at what ages do you imagine having them? Do you see yourself being an older or younger parent? Do you want to start trying to have kids soon following marriage, or do you want to wait awhile? Would you ever want to become a foster parent or adopt a child? 6. What do you think of our sex life? What’s working for you and not working for you? Is there anything you want to try or know you will never want to try? Which is a better fit for you: monogamy or polyamory? Do you watch porn and, if so, how often? Would you be willing or able to stop if I asked you to? How important is sex to you in a relationship? How often would you like to have sex? What should we do if our interest in sex starts to change? 7. Do we share the same political ideals? If not, do we care? 8. What do you want your career to look like? What are your short-term and long-term professional goals? Do you plan to work full-time or part-time? If we both work, will one person’s job be more important than the other; if so, whose and why? Are you willing to move for my job? How will work change after we have kids? Will one of us work less? How will we decide who that is? 9. How traditional are you when it comes to gender roles? How much are your answers to these questions informed by gendered assumptions? What were the gender roles in your home growing up, and how does that influence your thinking about work and family? 10. What kind of parent do you want to be? How involved do you want to be in our kids’ upbringing? How much maternity or paternity leave might you like to take? Will you change diapers? When the kids are young, will one or both of us stay home somehow, or will our kids use day care or a nanny? After the kids start school, will someone be home to help with afternoons, and, if so, who? Will you help with homework and attend teacher conferences? Will you shop for birthday and holiday gifts? Will you drive carpool to sports or other activities? How involved were your mom and/or dad in your days and nights when you were a kid, and is this something you want to do similarly or differently?”
― Meg Jay, The Defining Decade: Why Your Twenties Matter--And How to Make the Most of Them Now

“2. Do I make you a better person? When do I bring out the best in you? 3. Are you religious? Do you regularly—or ever—attend religious services or events? What religion were you raised with? Would you want to raise your children similarly? Would your parents want our children to be raised with a certain religion? 4. How are we going to manage our money? Do you want to combine finances? What if one of us earns more than the other—or has more debt? Is my money your money? Is your money my money? Is my debt your debt? Is your debt my debt? How do you feel about separate bank accounts? What do you spend money on?”
― Meg Jay, The Defining Decade: Why Your Twenties Matter--And How to Make the Most of Them Now

“What are your thoughts on marriage? Do you want to get married or do you envision another form of commitment? What does marriage mean to you? What do you think the differences are between dating and marriage? What are you excited about? What are your fears? What kind of wedding might you like to have?”
― Meg Jay, The Defining Decade: Why Your Twenties Matter--And How to Make the Most of Them Now

“Marriage—partnership, what-have-you—is a lot of work and, remember, it is the most important decision you will ever make. Do you really want to go in blind?”
― Meg Jay, The Defining Decade: Why Your Twenties Matter--And How to Make the Most of Them Now

“We sometimes hear that opposites attract, and maybe they do for a hookup. More often, however, similarity is the essence of compatibility.”
― Meg Jay, The Defining Decade: Why Your Twenties Matter--And How to Make the Most of Them Now

“Living together can mean different things to different people, so make sure you know what it means to your partner and to you.”
― Meg Jay, The Defining Decade: Why Your Twenties Matter--And How to Make the Most of Them Now

“Founding a relationship on convenience and ambiguity can interfere with the process of claiming the people we love. A life built on top of the “Maybe You’ll Do” of cohabitation simply may not feel as dedicated as a life built on top of the “We Do” of commitment or marriage.”
― Meg Jay, The Defining Decade: Why Your Twenties Matter--And How to Make the Most of Them Now

“I had to face facts. Carter was a great twentysomething boyfriend, but he’s no thirtysomething husband, and he’s never going to be. My job is going well and I want to have a family. Carter isn’t ready for any of that. Somehow, that wasn’t real, or official, until we officially got married. Now, we are officially getting divorced.”
― Meg Jay, The Defining Decade: Why Your Twenties Matter--And How to Make the Most of Them Now

“He hadn’t turned into husband material, but our lives weren’t set up for us to act like adults. I sort of assumed it would come together once we were married.”
― Meg Jay, The Defining Decade: Why Your Twenties Matter--And How to Make the Most of Them Now

“The effect that living together has on your partnership will likely depend not on whether you live together but how.”
― Meg Jay, The Defining Decade: Why Your Twenties Matter--And How to Make the Most of Them Now

“They originated in old conversations and experiences, and so they could change only through new conversations and new experiences. Things get better only when we let new and better people in. Things get better when we let new and better people care about us or love us, or when we at least listen to—and believe—what they have to say.”
― Meg Jay, The Defining Decade: Why Your Twenties Matter--And How to Make the Most of Them Now

“Being wanted isn’t all there is to life—or love. So when are you going to stop dating down?”
― Meg Jay, The Defining Decade: Why Your Twenties Matter--And How to Make the Most of Them Now

“our twenties are not only the time when we have our most defining experiences; they are also the time when we have our most defining memories.”
― Meg Jay, The Defining Decade: Why Your Twenties Matter--And How to Make the Most of Them Now

“Every problem was once a solution.”
― Meg Jay, The Defining Decade: Why Your Twenties Matter--And How to Make the Most of Them Now