Blood Soaked and Invaded Quotes

“Thank you Grandma. I love you too, even if you look like a 24-year-old hottie now,” I whispered to her. She looked up at me, projecting the Ancient Chinese version of the Evil Eye. “You call me ‘Grandma’ again and I make Eight Flavor Crispy Beef with your testicles. ¿Comprendé?”
― James Crawford, Blood Soaked and Invaded

“The first person to notice me was Dr. Bottsford. He exclaimed, pointed, and directed everyone nearby to catch it, meaning F-31. No one really moved, probably because I was running around in a random pattern at high speed. “Catch it? Catch it? Fucking kill it! Kill it,” I screamed.”
― James Crawford, Blood Soaked and Invaded

“When I panic, I don’t do it in a controlled, rocking in the corner, kind of way. I strip my gears and flip my shit. In that particular instance, I not only flipped my shit, I pimped it with neon and glitter, and put it on the dance floor.”
― James Crawford, Blood Soaked and Invaded

“Charlie flung open the door to the street. High noon sunlight slapped me across the pupils. “Bah! It burns us!” “What? Are you afraid of a little sunlight?” “We hates it, Precious!”
― James Crawford, Blood Soaked and Invaded

“I found myself looking at a bunch of strangers instead, and I didn’t know what to do about them. Jeff tapped me on the shoulder. If he hadn’t done that, I might have continued to stare at the new crazy people who’d apparently decided to volunteer to do the humanity strip tease.”
― James Crawford, Blood Soaked and Invaded

“Is there anything you’d prefer being called?” “Not especially; however, I might request that no one uses that particular bit of Spanish again.” We all nodded politely. As for me, I completely identified with not wanting to be called a child-molesting hermaphrodite with an unusual taste for tropical fish.”
― James Crawford, Blood Soaked and Invaded

“Omura rattled off a long string of something in Japanese that I didn’t understand after his declaration of feces. “What was that pile of Japanese?” I had to ask. “Oh, I was complaining at my parents for having given birth to me and cursing my ancestors all the way back to the Edo Period.”
― James Crawford, Blood Soaked and Invaded

“I’ve said that we’re not living in the normal world anymore. Why are you judging yourself by the rules of a world we aren’t living in?”
― James Crawford, Blood Soaked and Invaded

“I looked a mess. I hadn’t shaved in weeks, and my manly look of casually disheveled rakishness had begun the slow decline into “Back off, this is my cardboard box!”
― James Crawford, Blood Soaked and Invaded

“You did not,” Barbara Banks said to me. “?” “You did not drink my coffee,” she elaborated. “You so did not drink my coffee.” “Eh-eh.” “That pisses me off. Java thieves rack up nasty karma and end up reincarnated as child pornographers. You know that, right?”
― James Crawford, Blood Soaked and Invaded

“I love you and you’ve got yummy nuts, but unless you can pull a double espresso from your nipples,” she grinned, “I need to get my fix.”
― James Crawford, Blood Soaked and Invaded

“I smelled the aroma of warm dirt and salty cocoa of a decent dark roast coffee, and my nostrils flapped like a pair of excited barnacles. I suspect that I drooled a little bit, too. My stomach, on the other hand, growled like a lion at the end of a flugelhorn.”
― James Crawford, Blood Soaked and Invaded

“When I panic, I don’t do it in a controlled, rocking in the corner, kind of way. I strip my gears and flip my shit. In that particular instance, I not only flipped my shit, I pimped it with neon and glitter, and put it on the dance floor. Outside it was dark, people were milling around,”
― James Crawford, Blood Soaked and Invaded

“everyone was on their feet and moving like the devil had appeared with a bottle of Jager and a randy expression.”
― James Crawford, Blood Soaked and Invaded

“They say that if you’re in pain, you know you’re alive. I want a time machine so I can meet whoever it was that started that mindset. I’ll shake his hand and promptly kick him in the nuts. I’m not like other people. Pain HURTS me.”
― James Crawford, Blood Soaked and Invaded

“This,” he said, coughing slightly, “is like easy-to-drink fire.”
― James Crawford, Blood Soaked and Invaded

“One small fondle for Man. One giant orgasm for Mankind.” It was the only thing I could think to say. “To boldly bonk what no man has bonked before!” Charlie upstaged me.”
― James Crawford, Blood Soaked and Invaded

“I wandered vaguely towards the coffee machine, collected a cup, and let the little valve pee brown bean-juice into the white ceramic receptacle.”
― James Crawford, Blood Soaked and Invaded

“Don’t listen to the crazy man, Shawn,” Chunhua advised. “He’s just jealous that they liked you so much, and no one wanted to give him an anal probe.”
― James Crawford, Blood Soaked and Invaded

“Actually,” I piped up, after raising my face out of Charlie’s curls, “Chunhua’s been an spy for an extraterrestrial species studying us. The Grays can’t help us. The Lizards can’t help us. The Annunaki are all dead. The Pleiadians have retreated. We don’t even get an anal probe or a t-shirt.”
― James Crawford, Blood Soaked and Invaded

“My ears perked right up. I’d learned something that mystified me since I was little: why aliens are so keen on our asses. We’re just robust, wild strains of ass-yeast to them! It was so simple and elegant I wanted to do a little dance, but I couldn’t move.”
― James Crawford, Blood Soaked and Invaded

“Jeff smiled and all I could see was his lower lip appearing out from under the brushy curtain of doom that lived under his nose.”
― James Crawford, Blood Soaked and Invaded

“Charlie was carrying our baby. Loin fruit!”
― James Crawford, Blood Soaked and Invaded

“On my left side, my hand crashed through his teeth and jaw, penetrating his face like the penis of an angry (and gigantic) lover.”
― James Crawford, Blood Soaked and Invaded

“Colonized. That’s a great word. It has “colon” in it. Those poor workers probably got federally mandated anal probes for their trouble, come to think of it.”
― James Crawford, Blood Soaked and Invaded

“Good. Real Good. Now, I’m gonna walk past y’all and go speak with the Sharmas. If I hear one noise out of him,” she pointed over her shoulder at me, “that isn’t a chortle of glee, it will be Sutures-In-My-Taint time for the whole bunch of ya.”
― James Crawford, Blood Soaked and Invaded

“My opponent’s skull finally gave up. Chuckling, I unzipped my pants and pissed on his naked brain. “Frank, taking a wee on your enemies isn’t nice!” When I finished my victory deposit,”
― James Crawford, Blood Soaked and Invaded