Police, Crime & 999 Quotes

“I vividly remember approaching the Resusci Annie doll in the final assessment and singing, ‘Annie are you ok, so are you ok Annie, are you ok Annie, Annie are you ok’. It didn’t”
― John Donoghue, Police, Crime & 999 - The True Story of a Front Line Officer

“I always find the attitude of the parents fascinating. Some, like you, dear reader, will be responsible guardians who will already have been ringing around friends and out combing the streets. Others, like those who use this book to prop up a wobbly table (the infidels!), will be sitting with a beer, watching the telly.”
― John Donoghue, Police, Crime & 999 - The True Story of a Front Line Officer

“I’m not the most confident person when it comes to administering first aid, but I am probably the most germ conscious. I hope you close the lid of the toilet when you flush. If you don’t, the swirl of the water breaking up your poop sends millions of tiny poop molecules flying about the bathroom. And you know where they like landing best? On your toothbrush! And speaking of toothbrushes, what can be more horrible than going into the bathroom and seeing the bristles from your brush touching the bristles from your partner’s brush! My God, you can almost see those germs running from theirs to yours!”
― John Donoghue, Police, Crime & 999 - The True Story of a Front Line Officer

“Since I didn’t see any friendly advice given out after this job, I’ll add my own: don’t keep tomatoes in the fridge – they’ll lose their taste.”
― John Donoghue, Police, Crime & 999 - The True Story of a Front Line Officer

“Chavette 1: He took me behind the kebab shop and we had a snog, like. Then he put his hand down me trackies, like. Chavette 2: He nivva! What did you do, like? Chavette 1: I smacked him round the heed, like and telt him, ‘Where’s your fookin’ manners, like? It’s tits first!”
― John Donoghue, Police, Crime & 999 - The True Story of a Front Line Officer

“The Chav is a strange sort of creature. The male of the species is often fond of wearing sportswear, and from the number of them meandering aimlessly around the town centre on a Saturday night, you could be forgiven for thinking that you had suddenly been transported to the Olympic village.”
― John Donoghue, Police, Crime & 999 - The True Story of a Front Line Officer

“Whilst I am on the subject, and I am pre-warning you now, do not come up to me on a freezing cold winter’s evening and tell me that you have just flown back from your holiday and expect me to feel sorry for you, “because when we left, it was blazing sunshine and ninety degrees!” You may be offended by my response.”
― John Donoghue, Police, Crime & 999 - The True Story of a Front Line Officer

“When I switch on the TV in the morning, instead of finding the cartoons, I switch on the news channel to ‘catch up with what’s going on in the world’ – or maybe the history channel – to catch up on what was going on in the world a thousand years ago. I’m not exactly sure when this disturbing phenomenon started …around about the same time that I realised I could spell ‘phenomenon’ without using the spellchecker. I also now find myself involuntarily groaning when I bend over. I don’t need to groan …I just do. Again, start date unknown. I also over prepare for long journeys, find myself leaving funerals before the end ‘to beat the rush’, and perceive women on pushbikes as attractive.”
― John Donoghue, Police, Crime & 999 - The True Story of a Front Line Officer

“What was he doing?” asked Charlotte. “You’ll only laugh,” I told her. “I didn’t laugh when you gave me a copy of your last book, did I?” Fair point. So”
― John Donoghue, Police, Crime & 999 - The True Story of a Front Line Officer

“Apparently, in the clear, dawn light, it looked ‘bellissimo’ or some such thing. He asked if he was allowed on this end of the pier – at least that’s what I thought he was asking. I had been on duty for twenty hours by now. I was tired, cold, hungry, hadn’t found the misper, and just wanted to go to bed. I couldn’t think what the Italian was for ‘I don’t give a monkey’s chuff’, so”
― John Donoghue, Police, Crime & 999 - The True Story of a Front Line Officer

“I had gone to a house with Lloyd to take a crime report for a case of criminal damage. It was a nice house, in a nice part of town, owned in turn, by a nice couple. The type of place where the TV was turned off, a cup of tea offered and you were one hundred per cent certain that the rim would be smeg free. After”
― John Donoghue, Police, Crime & 999 - The True Story of a Front Line Officer

“Police: “Police, how can we help?” Caller: “I’d like to make an appointment for an X-ray please.” Police: “OK, so how can we help you? This is the police.” Caller: “The police? I was calling Dr Walder’s office. How DARE you answer her phone!”
― John Donoghue, Police, Crime & 999 - The True Story of a Front Line Officer

“My tame Comms operator friend told me about a call that came in from an angry woman. “I want to complain about the farmer across the road. Every morning at six a.m his cock wakes me up and it’s getting on top of me now.” Was it a noise complaint or a sexual assault? Sometimes, the call handlers will confide in me that they think they must have just misheard what’s going on. Caller: “I want to report that I’m trapped in my house.” Police: “Is someone holding you against your will in your home?” Caller: “Yes. A frog.” Police: “A frog is holding you against your will?” Caller: “Yes, there’s a frog on my porch.” Police: “A frog?” Caller: “Yes, I’m scared of frogs. I can’t go out the front door. He might get me.” Police: “It’s not really a police matter, but have you thought about going out the back door?” Caller: “Good idea!”
― John Donoghue, Police, Crime & 999 - The True Story of a Front Line Officer

“Biting ears seems to be in vogue at the moment …all the best criminals are at it, don’t you know. Actually, scrub out the word ‘best’. Two Sandford brothers had a grudge against another villain in the neighbourhood who was breaking into houses and nicking all the best stuff before they got to it. They decided to teach this usurper a lesson. This lesson in question consisted of kicking his door in and then biting off his ears. A lesson, I’m sure you will agree, that if executed correctly, would certainly be a lesson that one wouldn’t forget in a hurry. The”
― John Donoghue, Police, Crime & 999 - The True Story of a Front Line Officer

“My uncle says a monkey could do your job,” said a fat kid with big ears. Shit! What’s the world coming to? Things were starting to get increasingly raucous now.”
― John Donoghue, Police, Crime & 999 - The True Story of a Front Line Officer

“I will not be blackmailed by a nine year old boy. No sweets, and I mean it. Now behave!” “I saw you with Daddy’s willy in your mouth!” The mother had told Miss Jones that as those words were shouted out, everything seemed to suddenly go into slow motion as she saw heads turn towards her from every direction. She could feel a hot flush start from her feet and spread upwards, burning her cheeks en route. Everything fell silent as those words echoed down the aisles. Just as quickly, everything slipped into normal speed again, noises returned as the trolleys clashed into each other and chatter filled the store. She quickly put her head down and reached out to the nearest object she could find. “Oooh, chocolate buttons, they’re nice, let’s get some of them.” Back to class Four…”
― John Donoghue, Police, Crime & 999 - The True Story of a Front Line Officer

“A call had come in from a slightly concerned member of the public. He had wanted to report a fire, “…but it’s only a small one and I didn’t want to bother the fire brigade.” I’m not sure if that type of call ever happens the other way round. “Hello, Fire Control, can I help you?” “I’d like to report a burglary. It’s not a house or anything, just the shed. I didn’t really want to bother the police with it.” I suggest not. I don’t think Trumpton would be overly impressed with someone waking them for that. However, Gwen and I had responded dutifully. We”
― John Donoghue, Police, Crime & 999 - The True Story of a Front Line Officer

“I love those sorts of calls. Suspicious can mean anything. To me, a clearing in the woods is suspicious …and slightly sexy. What bizarre, depraved, carnal rituals went on here? And why wasn’t I invited?”
― John Donoghue, Police, Crime & 999 - The True Story of a Front Line Officer

“Dear sleep, I like you very much. Please can we be friends?’ Sleep wasn’t answering me. I just lay there. What a loser. I can’t even lie in bed and close my eyes properly. I just stared at the ceiling. Eventually, I turned over the pillow to see if the cold side would work any better. ‘Dear sleep, I feel we got off to a bad start. Can we try again?”
― John Donoghue, Police, Crime & 999 - The True Story of a Front Line Officer

“When I said little man, I mean it could just as easily be a little woman. I didn’t actually mean a dwarf or anything. Or a midget. Actually, they’re not the same. A dwarf has a bigger head. Anyway, it could be a big person for that matter …not too big mind you …not obese or anything …”
― John Donoghue, Police, Crime & 999 - The True Story of a Front Line Officer

“and were eventually let in by a person of restricted growth – a little person or, indeed, vertically challenged personage. Apparently, the word ‘dwarf’ is no longer acceptable in modern, politically correct parlance. If India and Zulu are merely minor irritations, dwarf is full blown Chlamydia. I”
― John Donoghue, Police, Crime & 999 - The True Story of a Front Line Officer

“And what was the registration of the other vehicle?”I asked. Why, oh why, do people try and use the phonetic alphabet when they haven’t got a clue? “Ooh, let’s see. It was N for … mmmm, oh, I can’t think. What starts with an N? N for… oh yes! N for….oh dear, it’s gone …N for …” “N. I’ve got the idea. It starts with an N,” I interrupted tersely. “N for pneumatic, dear, then it was an F for phlegm…” “NF, what else?” I said tapping my pen on the table. “Then four for …for …” “Four, four, four?” I queried. “No, dear. I’m just running through the twelve days of Christmas in my head. Four for four calling birds, that’s it! And then Five for Hawaii Five O.” She looked pleased with herself. As for me, I had just snapped my pen.”
― John Donoghue, Police, Crime & 999 - The True Story of a Front Line Officer

“Well, it’s a terrible picture. It really doesn’t do me justice,” she replied coyly, before handing it over. I did a comedy recoil when I saw it. “It’s not justice you want, it’s mercy by the look of that.” “I beg your pardon!” she barked indignantly. Oh dear. Another joke falls flat on its arse.”
― John Donoghue, Police, Crime & 999 - The True Story of a Front Line Officer

“A fat elephant? Come on, you’re bigger than that!” I told her, but that just seemed to make things worse. There is just no pleasing some people. In the end, I just stopped trying.”
― John Donoghue, Police, Crime & 999 - The True Story of a Front Line Officer

“At the door, I was asked to sign in and put down my next of kin details. Hang on a second, how dangerous can a computer course be? I wasn’t even asked for NOK details when I had been smashing people’s doors in during drug raids or been policing some violent football stadium clash. Were we going to be sitting typing with our feet in a bowl of water or something?”
― John Donoghue, Police, Crime & 999 - The True Story of a Front Line Officer

“We were told that every morning the first thing that her dog did when he got up was to stretch, adding that we can all learn a lot from our animals’ behaviour. She’s probably right but, personally, I draw the line at trying to lick my own balls.”
― John Donoghue, Police, Crime & 999 - The True Story of a Front Line Officer

“CID always think they are better than their colleagues in uniform – as if they are The Beatles and we are just The Monkees. However, at the home, we were all just The Police (before Sting went off and became all tantric with his seven hour masturbation marathons). Constables were sitting next to Superintendents, chatting with detectives who were swapping tales with traffic officers. All had tales to tell, and all were better than mine!”
― John Donoghue, Police, Crime & 999 - The True Story of a Front Line Officer

“Again, when we arrived in custody, the girl who reads the books asked the big fella if he wanted a cup of boiling hot liquid to throw over the two officers who had just taken away his liberty. I said I thought he might like it better when he was sitting comfortably in his own private room.”
― John Donoghue, Police, Crime & 999 - The True Story of a Front Line Officer

“Redheads and gingers on the other hand, have been biologically proven to have a higher pain threshold than non-redheads. Scientists have found that the mutant gene that causes red hair – melanocortin-1 – also affects how redheads react to pain. Allegedly, they can withstand up to twenty five per cent more electric shock than non-redheads. I’ll remember that when we eventually get issued with Tazers, but until then it is just pub quiz fodder.”
― John Donoghue, Police, Crime & 999 - The True Story of a Front Line Officer

“Before any of you get on your high horse about taxpayers’ money, not that I think you would, you splendid things, it’s all paid for out of contributions from our salary. I paid into another fund so I even got some pocket money when I got there.”
― John Donoghue, Police, Crime & 999 - The True Story of a Front Line Officer