The Last Testament Quotes

“Why do bad things happen to good people?

To balance out the good things that happen to bad people.”
― Anonymous, The Last Testament: A Memoir by God

“The number of the devil is not 666.

That is only his area code, his number is unlisted.”
― David Javerbaum, The Last Testament: A Memoir by God

“he doth, indeed, especially love heavy-metal; into the recording sessions whereof he does, indeed, sneak, that he may insert backward messages into songs; for he believeth retrograde gibberish laid inaudibly under ear-shattering grindcore, to be the most effective way to promote his views. 19 And he doth, indeed, visit people in their time of need; and offer to grant them mortal happiness in exchange for their immortal soul; and if they agree, he doth, indeed, have them sign a contract; for though he is the amoral Prince of All Lies, he hath for some reason an unshakable respect for tort law.”
― David Javerbaum, The Last Testament: A Memoir

“7 “O LORD our God, King of the Universe, here’s what I’m thinking. 8 Thy previous books have sold an impressive six billion copies; 9 They form the basis of three great religions, and five crappy ones; 10 They have been translated into 2,453 languages, including that of a fictional race of TV aliens wearing shoe polish;”
― David Javerbaum, The Last Testament: A Memoir

“When thou givest alms, do not let thy left hand know what thy right hand is doing. Whereas with juggling the opposite is true.”
― David Javerbaum, The Last Testament: A Memoir

“she was fearless and incorruptible; she forever proved the point that a woman could achieve success in a man’s world, so long as she was tough, and hid her femininity, and cut her hair like a lesbian, and was personally protected by the king and God, and there was only one of her.”
― David Javerbaum, An Act of God: Previously Published as The Last Testament: A Memoir by God

“God @TheTweetOfGod I fucking hate Sarah Palin.”
― David Javerbaum, An Act of God: Previously Published as The Last Testament: A Memoir by God

“God @TheTweetOfGod If stupid people and evil people fought to the death, the winner would be everyone else.”
― David Javerbaum, An Act of God: Previously Published as The Last Testament: A Memoir by God

“The last people legitimately on a mission from Me were named Jake and Elwood.”
― David Javerbaum, An Act of God: Previously Published as The Last Testament: A Memoir by God

“And I am the LORD thy God, King of the Universe; I need to maintain narrative thrust.”
― David Javerbaum, An Act of God: Previously Published as The Last Testament: A Memoir by God

“o resume: 2 It is often said—and even more often screamed at anti–gay marriage rallies outside the statehouse in Lansing—that I created Adam and Eve, not Adam and Steve. 3 Wrong. 4 Now will I tell the story of the first man, Adam; and of the companion I fashioned for him, Steve; and of the great closeting that befell their relationship. 5 For after I created the earth, and sea, and every plant and seed and beast of the field and fowl of the air, and had the place pretty much set up, I saw that it was good; 6 But I also saw, that by way of oversight it made administrative sense to establish a new middle-managerial position. 7 So as my final act of Day Six, I formed a man from the dust of the ground, and breathed life into his nostrils; and I called him Adam, to give him a leg up alphabetically. 8 And lo, I made him for my image; not in my image, but for my image; because with Creations thou never gettest a second chance to make a first impression; 9 And so in fashioning him I sought to make not only a responsible planetary caretaker, but also an attractive, likeable spokesman who in the event of environmental catastrophe could project a certain warmth. 10 To immediately assess his ability to function in my absence, I decided to change my plans; for I had intended to use Day Seven to infuse the universe with an innate sense of compassion and moral justice; but instead I left him in charge and snoozed. 11 And Adam passed my test; yea, he was by far my greatest achievement; he befriended all my creatures, and named them, and cared for them; and tended the Garden most skillfully; for he had a great eye for landscape design. 12 But I soon noticed he felt bereft in his solitude; for oft he sighed, and pined for a helpmeet; and furthermore he masturbated incessantly, until he had well-nigh besplattered paradise. 13 So one night I caused him to fall into a deep sleep; fulsomely did I roofie his nectar; and as he slept, I removed a rib, though not a load-bearing one. 14 And from this rib I fashioned a companion for him; a hunk, unburdened by excess wisdom; ripped, and cut, and hung like unto a fig tree before the harvest; 15 Yea, and a power bottom. 16 And Adam arose, and saw him, and wept for joy; and he called the man Steve; I had suggested Steven, but Adam liked to keep things informal. 17 And Adam and Steve were naked, and felt no shame; they knew each other, as often as possible; truly their loins were a wonderland. 18 And they were happy, having not yet eaten of the Tree of the Knowledge That Your Lifestyle Is Sinful.”
― David Javerbaum, An Act of God: Previously Published as The Last Testament: A Memoir by God

“.....when two people fall in love, it is as if some new physical constant has been added to the universe.”
― David Javerbaum, The Last Testament: A Memoir by God