This American Ex-Wife Quotes

“Perhaps the most toxic lie of modern marriage is that it creates a nuclear family unit whole and complete. But it is not whole, it is not complete, and the tasks of life are more than any one family can bear. We need help. We need help at a systemic and personal level. We need paid parental leave, we need affordable childcare, we need childcare tax credits, we need equal pay, and we need a community of friends and family who we can lean on.”
― Lyz Lenz, This American Ex-Wife: How I Ended My Marriage and Started My Life

“Women are taught that it is noble to lose themselves inside their marriage. To give up everything for home and children, even themselves. I often wonder how many stories, how many scientific breakthroughs, how many plays, musical scores, and innovations, have been tossed onto the pyre of human marriage.”
― Lyz Lenz, This American Ex-Wife: How I Ended My Marriage and Started My Life

“So much of our culture depicts young girls dreaming about their weddings. But every middle-aged woman I know dreams about living alone in the woods, maybe with a dog.”
― Lyz Lenz, This American Ex-Wife: How I Ended My Marriage and Started My Life

“Sometimes my husband would say, “if you want help just ask,” and I would wave my arms around like someone drowning. “Just look!” I'd say. “this is all a cry for help.” But truthfully, I didn't want help. I was grateful for it sure. What I wanted was an equal partner.”
― Lyz Lenz, This American Ex-Wife: How I Ended My Marriage and Started My Life

“Is being happy worth it? And the answer is absolutely, unequivocally, yes.”
― Lyz Lenz, This American Ex-Wife: How I Ended My Marriage and Started My Life

“We are afraid of dying alone, but no one really knows lonely better than a married woman sitting next to her silent husband.”
― Lyz Lenz, This American Ex-Wife: How I Ended My Marriage and Started My Life

“Some women tell me how they trained their partners. Sure, they came rough and reluctant, but now they do the dishes without complaining. And they’ll cook dinner some nights. See? See. Maybe, they imply, if I had tried harder, worked harder, trained my husband, stayed miserable a little longer, I could have stayed married. As if that was the one thing I wanted to spend my time on—training a grown man like a horse.”
― Lyz Lenz, This American Ex-Wife: How I Ended My Marriage and Started My Life

“It’s not a new plan or even a secret one. It’s not even just a Republican plan. State-funded marriage initiatives have been a policy priority under Bill Clinton, George W. Bush, and Barack Obama. And the logic of each of the programs has always been, as Senator Marco Rubio of Florida stated in 2014, that marriage is the “greatest tool to lift women and children out of poverty.” But maybe instead of discouraging divorce and forcing people into marriages for financial security, we should make a more equitable society. There is research evidence that suggests that countries with well-funded social safety nets have less divorce, fewer instances of child abuse, and less crime.”
― Lyz Lenz, This American Ex-Wife: How I Ended My Marriage and Started My Life

“In 2022, New York Times columnist Tish Harrison Warren decried a culture of divorcing for unhappiness, writing, “I want to normalize significant periods of confusion, exhaustion, grief and unfulfillment in marriage. There’s an older couple I know who are in their fifth decade of marriage. They are funny and kind and, by almost any standard, the picture of #relationshipgoals. Early on in our marriage they told us, ‘There are times in marriage when the Bible’s call to love your enemies and the call to love your spouse are the same call.’ ” Life is, of course, not easy, and no one is going to like their partner every day. But Warren’s column makes misery in marriage sound like a necessary evil of being partnered with a man. It’s not. I refuse to believe that it has to be that way. I have two dear friends who I have known for over twenty years; we fight sometimes and disagree. Between us we’ve had three divorces and four marriages and three children. Never once have they felt like the enemy to me. And if it is that way, if the experience of being with a man means I hate him for at least a third of our marriage and he hates me, too, I’d rather not have it. No, thank you. There is no benefit to that martyrdom. To me, columns like Warren’s sound like the mentality that enables hazing rituals and cults where they sacrifice one of their own every fortnight. I was miserable, so you should be, too. I do not want that curse. I want happiness.”
― Lyz Lenz, This American Ex-Wife: How I Ended My Marriage and Started My Life

“will hear this advice over and over again. Repeated ad nauseam from the pulpit and prestige publications, like The Atlantic, where Arthur Brooks chides couples to see marriage not as a “me” but a “we” and not to get all caught up on who is doing more of the work, because sometimes marriage is like that. You just have to work. But whose work? Who is responsible for the repair and maintenance of a marriage? Who buys the self-help books? Who goes to the conferences and pushes their partner into therapy? In a 2019 study, sociologist Allison Daminger found that women carry the majority of the cognitive load in their relationships. Meaning women are the ones noticing, analyzing, and monitoring the issues in a marriage. Daminger broke down the concept of mental load into four parts: anticipating, identifying, deciding, and monitoring. The aspects of cognitive load where Daminger noticed that women do most of the work was in anticipation and monitoring. Women are thinking of the problems, working to solve them, and monitoring them for success.”
― Lyz Lenz, This American Ex-Wife: How I Ended My Marriage and Started My Life

“In sum, we need women to buy into romantic partnerships so that they will become the social safety net that our leaders and politicians refuse to create.”
― Lyz Lenz, This American Ex-Wife: How I Ended My Marriage and Started My Life

“Our culture views divorce as a failure. One that requires a personal solution rather than a cultural one. Most divorce books focus on personal healing and self-help to get the divorcée back to dating and remarriage. But what if it’s the whole system that is broken?”
― Lyz Lenz, This American Ex-Wife: How I Ended My Marriage and Started My Life

“The truth about accepting help is that it requires asking for it and coordinating it and paying for it, emotionally and financially.”
― Lyz Lenz, This American Ex-Wife: How I Ended My Marriage and Started My Life

“am fascinated by this gap in work and perception. The answer, I think, lies in that space between the work husbands do and the work they think they do. What noticing is lost here? In her book The Time Bind, Arlie Russell Hochschild writes that this work is upkeep, it is labor, and much like the work of home repair, it requires “noticing, acknowledging, and empathizing with the feelings of family members, patching up quarrels, and soothing hurt feelings.” In sum, the work of a home, of a life, is paying attention. Knowing that the dishwasher drain needs to be cleaned, that the counter is sticky, that the socks need to be matched: It’s the work of noticing that isn’t being done. And what is lost when the people who love us do not see our labor? It’s our happiness. —”
― Lyz Lenz, This American Ex-Wife: How I Ended My Marriage and Started My Life

“book. I didn’t promise anything. I wonder, is it really worth it? A 2002 study argued that divorce didn’t make unhappily married people happier. Yet, a 2005 study suggests that 74 percent of divorced women report feeling liberated compared to 37 percent of men.”
― Lyz Lenz, This American Ex-Wife: How I Ended My Marriage and Started My Life

“If you are so sorry, then do something about it. If you are so sorry, then change literally anything.”
― Lyz Lenz, This American Ex-Wife: How I Ended My Marriage and Started My Life

“But when we get these partnerships, all these “best friends” we married don’t text us back like our female best friends do. They can’t wipe a counter to save their lives. Don’t know how to vacuum. And their learned helplessness becomes the punch line to all our jokes. Memes lampoon this male inability to function. A TikTok video shows the face of an exasperated wife on the phone with her husband, who is presumably wandering the grocery store looking for ketchup, and she’s lip-syncing to the song from Hamilton, “Look at where you are. Look at where you started. The fact that you’re alive right now is a miracle.” Hilarious. These are the good men.”
― Lyz Lenz, This American Ex-Wife: How I Ended My Marriage and Started My Life

“One year after I moved out of my house and my marriage, I wrote an essay for Glamour titled “I’m a Great Cook. Now That I’m Divorced, I’m Never Making Dinner for a Man Again.” The article outlined how for eleven years I’d cooked meals for my husband and then for our children. I had liked cooking. I loved it even. I thought of food as my offerings of love. But as our marriage dragged on, cooking became less of a joy and more of an obligation. When my marriage ended, I stopped cooking. “I stopped cooking because I wanted to feel as unencumbered as man walking through the door of his home with the expectation that something had been done for him,” I wrote. “I wanted to be free of cutting coupons and rolling dough and worrying about dinner times and feeding. I wanted to rest.”
― Lyz Lenz, This American Ex-Wife: How I Ended My Marriage and Started My Life

“It’s worth pointing out that while studies show that women do more housework than their male partners, this work goes largely unobserved by men, half of whom statistically perceive themselves as doing equal work, while only 3 percent of women agree. Add in the fact that husbands add an additional seven hours of labor to a home—labor done by their wives—and it’s a bleak picture of domestic partnership.”
― Lyz Lenz, This American Ex-Wife: How I Ended My Marriage and Started My Life

“But every middle-aged woman I know dreams about living alone in the woods, maybe with a dog.”
― Lyz Lenz, This American Ex-Wife: How I Ended My Marriage and Started My Life

“We make women feel brave for sticking it out. For keeping private all the screaming fights, the late nights, the broken cups on the floor, swept up in the morning. We make women feel like they are doing something right for persisting in the lonely drudgery of the American marriage, when the aftermath of the happily-ever-after of the heterosexual marriage is simply negotiating a relationship that is inherently unequal. A relationship made unequal not by accident, but as a function of a society that relies on that inequality to fill in the gaps that it refuses to fund—childcare, eldercare. We do not make women feel brave for making the opposite choice, for walking away from unhappiness.”
― Lyz Lenz, This American Ex-Wife: How I Ended My Marriage and Started My Life

“Capitalism can be just as extractive as marriage. And if you are going to have your labor exploited, it might be easier to do it in a nice home. But I think the problem is that both narratives are failures. Women dedicating their lives to being cogs in the wheel of capitalism isn’t fulfillment. But neither are home and children. Jobs can be lost. So can homes. Children grow up to become their own people. And home, children, and marriage, however much you want them, might not be accessible for everyone.”
― Lyz Lenz, This American Ex-Wife: How I Ended My Marriage and Started My Life

“But so often for wives, the measure breaks when we ask for the scale to slide in our favor.”
― Lyz Lenz, This American Ex-Wife: How I Ended My Marriage and Started My Life

“We are a nation of hit-and-runners. We don't want to deal with the consequences.”
― Lyz Lenz, This American Ex-Wife: How I Ended My Marriage and Started My Life

“Sometimes my husband say, "If you want help just ask," and I would wave my arms around me like someone drowning. "Just look!" I'd say. "This is all a cry for help." But truthfully, I didn't want help. I was grateful for it, sure. What I wanted was an equal partner”
― Lyz Lenz, This American Ex-Wife: How I Ended My Marriage and Started My Life

“don’t know what my kids’ lives will look like, but I think that at least I’ve offered them glimpses at new ways of seeing themselves. I threw a party in the spring of 2022. It had been a long, cold pandemic. But my children were finally vaccinated and I wanted to have people over. I made a vat of spiked cider and filled mugs for my friends. The very same mugs my ex had hidden away in the basement of our home so many years ago. Now they were filled with booze and joy. I tried to match mugs with personalities. The house was full, and people were shouting. Cheese and crackers were stacked in platters on top of the long table that I had paid for with a story I’d written about my divorce. I thought about how hard I’d worked to get here. To a house filled with friends and wine and happiness. The song “Crowded Table” by the Highwomen is one that always makes me cry; it speaks of community and love and filling our homes. “If it’s love that we give,” they sing, “it’s love that we reap.” “This is going in the book,” I told my friends, shouting over the din of conversations. “It’s going in the end. Because this is my happily ever after.” And maybe it was too earnest, but I thought of all the different kinds of love there are in the world. And I knew that when the party was over someone would help me with the dishes and wiping the counters, and I wouldn’t have to ask.”
― Lyz Lenz, This American Ex-Wife: How I Ended My Marriage and Started My Life

“He would help. But it wouldn’t be a regular thing. Help is such a misleading verb. We emphasize the person aiding. The help. The helpers. People are thanked for their help. But the verb implies a request, a cry, an appeal for aid. Aid was given, yes, but I didn’t want to have to cry out in order to be helped. Help, it seemed, only came when things were dire. When I had reached an emotional limit. When the trash was overflowing and when the carpet was littered with toys and there was toddler shit on the floor and I was sobbing. I wanted to be seen. I wanted my emotional fragility to be seen as much as I wanted the sticky countertops to be seen.”
― Lyz Lenz, This American Ex-Wife: How I Ended My Marriage and Started My Life