Scarlet Letters Quotes

“Live simply. That is the sagest advice a vampire could ever take. If you wanted to go tearing around the world like an uncivilized cretin, you should have elected to become a werewolf. Or moved to New Jersey.” --“Vampire Wisdoms,” Dexter Bloodgood’s Survival Guide for Modern Vampires, 19th Edition”
― Allison M. Dickson, Scarlet Letters: The Tale of the Vampire Mailman

“Life is a peach, and then there’s pie.”
― Allison M. Dickson, Scarlet Letters: The Tale of the Vampire Mailman

“Some vampire literature is accurate, particularly concerning garlic. Vampire hunters have relied on it for centuries. Emeril LaGasse is not just a famous television chef, but also a modern Van Helsing whose obsession with garlic and pork fat is legendary. Not that bacon kills vampires. What a travesty that would be. --“Vampire Foibles,” Dexter Bloodgood’s Survival Guide for Modern Vampires, 19th Edition”
― Allison M. Dickson, Scarlet Letters: The Tale of the Vampire Mailman

“A vampire’s strength can cause catastrophic property damage. While many believe Pompeii was destroyed by Mount Vesuvius, the disaster was the result of a very heated dispute between two Sicilian vampires over a cannoli recipe. Even as vampires, Sicilians take their cannoli very seriously.” --“Vampire Might,” Dexter Bloodgood’s Survival Guide for Modern Vampires, 19th Edition”
― Allison M. Dickson, Scarlet Letters: The Tale of the Vampire Mailman

“Many may not know this, but beer is a weapon of choice not only against werewolves, but also zombies, banshees, ghouls, and the chastity belts of wood nymphs.” --“The Well-Armed Vampire,” Dexter Bloodgood’s Survival Guide for Modern Vampries, 19th Edition”
― Allison M. Dickson, Scarlet Letters: The Tale of the Vampire Mailman

“A vampire’s sense of smell is keener than a bloodhound’s. This makes our kind particularly suited to law enforcement and other civil service professions. Though you would have to question the sanity of a vampire who chooses a career in sewage treatment or government.” --“The Working Vampire,” Dexter Bloodgood’s Survival Guide for Modern Vampires, 19th Edition”
― Allison M. Dickson, Scarlet Letters: The Tale of the Vampire Mailman

“Some claim the wet dog smell and the penchant for cheap beer is a dead giveaway that a werewolf is in one’s midst, but it’s really the mullet hairdo.” --“The Immortal Creature Hierarchy,” Dexter Bloodgood’s Survival Guide for Modern Vampires”
― Allison M. Dickson, Scarlet Letters: The Tale of the Vampire Mailman

“Hypnotism is a vampire’s most useful ability and the envy of other supernatural creatures. Just ask Kobolds, who always get stuck with the bill at restaurants and have the most boring parties imaginable.” --“The Vampire’s Toolbox,” Dexter Bloodgood’s Survival Guide for Modern Vampires, 19th Edition”
― Allison M. Dickson, Scarlet Letters: The Tale of the Vampire Mailman

“In one lifetime, a human will experience one or two major downfalls. But immortality creates limitless opportunities for screwing up. When your mortal friends complain about their lives, just tell them your benchmark for rock bottom: getting pregnant with Hitler’s baby.” --“Immortal Perspectives,” Dexter Bloodgood’s Survival Guide for Modern Vampires, 19th Edition”
― Allison M. Dickson, Scarlet Letters: The Tale of the Vampire Mailman

“A new vampire should prepare himself for an onslaught of libidinous admirers. If one takes issue with such attention, consider reading the Survival Guide for Wussy Vampires, yet to be written.” --“The Popular Vampire,” Dexter Bloodgood’s Survival Guide for Modern Vampires, 19th Edition”
― Allison M. Dickson, Scarlet Letters: The Tale of the Vampire Mailman

“A vampire’s aversion to peanut butter is superseded only by his aversion to bad poetry. Not because the latter is lethal, mind you, though it does often feel that way.” --“Vampire Dos and Don’ts,” Dexter Bloodgood’s Survival Guide for Modern Vampires, 19th Edition”
― Allison M. Dickson, Scarlet Letters: The Tale of the Vampire Mailman