Twenty Things Adopted Kids Wish Their Adoptive Parents Knew Quotes

“I believe one of the most sacrificial acts of love adoptive parents can do is to give up their preconceptions and agendas about what their child's views "should" be and be open to hear the conflicting emotions and thoughts their child often experiences.”
― Sherrie Eldridge, Twenty Things Adopted Kids Wish Their Adoptive Parents Knew

“the truth is, the very act of adoption is built upon loss. For the birth parents, the loss of their biological offspring, the relationship that could have been, a very part of themselves. For the adoptive parents, the loss of giving birth to a biological child, the child whose face will never mirror theirs. And for the adopted child, the loss of the birth parents, the earliest experience of belonging and acceptance. To deny adoption loss is to deny the emotional reality of everyone involved.”
― Sherrie Eldridge, Twenty Things Adopted Kids Wish Their Adoptive Parents Knew

“Listen to your hearts, parents! You are the expert when it comes to knowing your child. I love the Scripture that says we are to let the peace of God rule in our hearts...In other words, peace in your heart is to be like an umpire calling the shots. When in doubt--DON'T!”
― Sherrie Eldridge, Twenty Things Adopted Kids Wish Their Adoptive Parents Knew

“It can undermine the most sincere parental commitment and force adoptees to suffer in private, choosing either rebellion or conformity as a mode of relating.”
― Sherrie Eldridge, Twenty Things Adopted Kids Wish Their Adoptive Parents Knew

“over which we had no control, but for which we feel responsible. Children of divorce feel it, a widow visiting her husband”
― Sherrie Eldridge, Twenty Things Adopted Kids Wish Their Adoptive Parents Knew

“Read Talking With Young Children About Adoption by Susan Fisher, M.D., and Mary Watkins, Ph.D. (Yale University Press, 1995).”
― Sherrie Eldridge, Twenty Things Adopted Kids Wish Their Adoptive Parents Knew

“Adoption day finally arrives. The day that, at times, seemed an eternity away. The home studies are over, the 'what ifs' are behind you, smooth sailing from here on out! The birth mother tearfully signs the adoption papers as the nurse dresses the baby in the outfit you bought. The relatives gather at your house in anticipation of the homecoming. A meal is prepared, the mood is festive, voices are loud and cheerful, cameras flash and videos roll as you carry the baby into her new home for everyone to see.
"Isn't she beautiful!" they all say one after another. Grandparents hold her first, then the aunts and uncles and cousins. The baby lies quietly in each person's arms, seemingly oblivious to all that is happening around her. However, no one knows that beneath that crisp white dress is a tiny, grieving heart. A heart that wonders where mommy is, her smell, the sound of her voice, her heartbeat, her body—where did she go?
Such is the primal loss that your adopted baby experiences on the day she comes to live with you. Before you ever held her in your arms, she lost her birth mother and all she represents. It is a crushing blow that will affect her life forever. It can be likened to a toddler having both parents wiped out in an automobile accident, except, in this case, there is no closure. No funeral. No acknowledged grief.
How different is the baby's emotional reality from what is happening around her? She is grieving; others are rejoicing. She is wounded; others are unaware. She needs comfort and nurturing; others are celebrating. These are difficult words to hear, especially for adoptive parents who want nothing but the best for their children. Learning that your child experienced such a blow before adoption ever occurred can produce feelings of helplessness and keep you from running away from your child's reality rather than helping her deal with it.
The subject of adoptee loss is often uncomfortable for parents and mental health professionals alike, because the depth of pain an adopted person feels can be overwhelming. Ilene Simpson, author of Orphans, describes this fear of entering into another's pain well: "Orphans provide no entertainment. They don't cry, scream, shout, or behave bizarrely. Instead, they observe visitors in searching silence. It was an unwillingness to look into those eyes and to read their message that kept people away. It was fear of being pulled by invisible strings into a web of sadness."
Entering your adopted child's emotional world can feel intimidating if you're not sure how to deal with what you'll find there.”
― Sherrie Eldridge, Twenty Things Adopted Kids Wish Their Adoptive Parents Knew

“Many adoptees try to convince themselves and others that they have no special needs. They are masters at keeping that vulnerable place within themselves concealed. However, beneath the surface there is often depression. Rage. Bewilderment. Confusion about identity. Fear of loss. Shame. Lack of direction. Lack of emotional stamina. Low stress tolerance. Floating anxiety.”
― Sherrie Eldridge, Twenty Things Adopted Kids Wish Their Adoptive Parents Knew