How to Be the Love You Seek Quotes

“In order to emotionally connect with another person, as I discovered years later, you have to be emotionally connected with yourself. And to be emotionally connected with yourself, you have to be able to authentically feel and express your emotions. Authentically expressing our emotions allows us to feel truly seen, known, and supported by others—core emotional needs we all share.”
― Dr. Nicole LePera, How to Be the Love You Seek: Break Cycles, Find Peace, and Heal Your Relationships

“Love, I have learned, is not about showing up in any particular way but about embodying the feeling itself, offering others the support and opportunity to be themselves, exactly as they are.”
― Dr. Nicole LePera, How to Be the Love You Seek: Break Cycles, Find Peace, and Heal Your Relationships

“When we don't consistently feel safe and secure or when we fear that those whom we rely on for our survival won't consistently be available to us, we experience a lack of certainty and control.”
― Nicole LePera, How to Be the Love You Seek: Break Cycles, Find Peace, and Heal Your Relationships

“Putting others before myself wasn’t selfless; it was self-abandonment.”
― Nicole LePera, How to Be the Love You Seek: Break Cycles, Find Peace, and Heal Your Relationships

“The problem for many of us though is that our nervous system doesn’t return to a state of relaxed calm. Instead, our body gets stuck in a stress response, though not necessarily because we face stress all day long. Though many of us have stressful, busy lives, if our nervous system is regulated, we can toggle back and forth between a stress response and calm, everyday function. But many”
― Dr. Nicole LePera, How to Be the Love You Seek: Break Cycles, Find Peace, and Heal Your Relationships

“For many of us, communicating our emotions is challenging, even in our long-standing relationships. We're so desperate to be loved by others and scared of "losing" them that we don't ask for support or set needed boundaries. This is especially true if our feelings were ignored or dismissed in childhood. And, when we believe our ego stories that we're unworthy of having our needs met, we continue to suppress or deny them.”
― Nicole LePera, How to Be the Love You Seek: Break Cycles, Find Peace, and Heal Your Relationships

“Either form of abandonment”
― Nicole LePera, How to Be the Love You Seek: Break Cycles, Find Peace, and Heal Your Relationships

“They may keep themselves busy or throw themselves so intently into their work”
― Nicole LePera, How to Be the Love You Seek: Break Cycles, Find Peace, and Heal Your Relationships

“Childhood trauma can be any perceived stress that consistently overwhelms our ability to cope with it.”
― Nicole LePera, How to Be the Love You Seek: Break Cycles, Find Peace, and Heal Your Relationships

“In childhood, I never learned how to emotionally connect with anyone because no one around me was emotionally connected,”
― Nicole LePera, How to Be the Love You Seek: Break Cycles, Find Peace, and Heal Your Relationships

“We can’t change others, and relying on them to change their ingrained relational patterns doesn’t usually work, at least not for very long.”
― Nicole LePera, How to Be the Love You Seek: Break Cycles, Find Peace, and Heal Your Relationships

“If I don’t know and love all of me, how can I expect myself to allow someone else to know and love all of me?”
― Nicole LePera, How to Be the Love You Seek: Break Cycles, Find Peace, and Heal Your Relationships

“_______ I am open to new experiences and set aside time to explore my creativity. _______ I make room for spontaneous, playful, or unstructured time throughout my day. Be gentle and compassionate with yourself if you are not yet able to mark many of the responses above. The next few chapters will explore ways you can begin to meet these foundational needs and heal your relationship with your body.”
― Nicole LePera, How to Be the Love You Seek: Break Cycles, Find Peace, and Heal Your Relationships

“_______ I feel the sensations of my muscles contracting and expanding. _______ I notice shifts in my body and how its energy feels when I move as opposed to when I don’t. DO I GIVE MY BODY ENOUGH REST? _______ I fall asleep quickly after getting into bed. _______ I am able to sleep through the night without waking up (or when I do wake, I can easily fall back asleep). _______ I wake up feeling refreshed and rejuvenated. _______ I notice when a lack of sleep affects my moods and behavior. CAN I DEAL WITH STRESS? _______ I am aware of how the people in my life impact my stress level. _______ I am aware of how the content I consume (social media, news, entertainment) impacts my stress level. _______ I know when I’m stressed out and find moments to calm myself whenever possible. _______ I experience moments of solitude, stillness, quiet, or nature each day. DO I FEEL EMOTIONALLY SAFE AND SECURE? _______ I feel safe and free to authentically express myself and my feelings in my relationships. _______ I am aware of the things that interest me or that I’m passionate about.”
― Nicole LePera, How to Be the Love You Seek: Break Cycles, Find Peace, and Heal Your Relationships

“DO I FEED MY BODY THE NUTRIENTS IT NEEDS? _______ I listen to my body, eating when it’s hungry and stopping when it’s full. _______ I choose foods that make me feel full and energized (whenever they’re available). _______ I am aware of the foods that make me feel lethargic, jumpy, or otherwise unwell and avoid them (whenever possible). _______ I typically feel mentally alert and sharp. DO I MOVE MY BODY? _______ I find ways to move my body a bit each day. _______ I know when my body needs to rest or take a break, and I allow myself that rest.”
― Nicole LePera, How to Be the Love You Seek: Break Cycles, Find Peace, and Heal Your Relationships

“Your parent-figures regularly centered their own needs or emotions, often highlighting or overemphasizing the role they played in raising you, regularly repeating or reminding you of all the things they had done or sacrifices they had made for you. In adulthood, you may feel chronically indebted to others or selfish for having any needs at all.”
― Nicole LePera, How to Be the Love You Seek: Break Cycles, Find Peace, and Heal Your Relationships

“Yes Person. Tends to be agreeable with no expressed preferences in relationships, and is often referred to as a people-pleaser or “pushover.” Regularly engages in codependent dynamics, neglecting their own needs to drop everything for others. Prides themselves on acting “selflessly” (or being a “martyr”) by showing up for others no matter what and often ends up over-giving and under-receiving support and care within their relationships. Regularly adopts the beliefs, habits, and even hobbies of their partners, friends, or family and can feel lost or helpless without others to direct them. The Yes Person’s nervous system is often hypervigilant and in Pleaser mode, constantly putting others before themselves.”
― Dr. Nicole LePera, How to Be the Love You Seek: Break Cycles, Find Peace, and Heal Your Relationships

“Caretaker. Gains a sense of identity and self-worth through meeting others’ needs in relationships. Believes that the only way to receive love is to be needed by others or to care for them physically or emotionally, often while neglecting their own personal needs or desires. May seek out relationships, experiences, or careers where care is required or may play this role at the first sign of need. The Caretaker’s nervous system is often hypervigilant and in Pleaser mode, scanning the environment to assess the needs of others.”
― Dr. Nicole LePera, How to Be the Love You Seek: Break Cycles, Find Peace, and Heal Your Relationships

“Research actually shows that all childhood trauma, even bullying by our peers, can cause structural change in our amygdala,15 the part of our brain that detects threats in our environment, as well as in our prefrontal cortex,16 the region responsible for our “executive functions,” like our ability to plan, make decisions, and manage our social behavior. These structural changes as a result of childhood trauma create a state of hypervigilance whenever our nervous system is on alert. When this state becomes chronic or consistent over time it can manifest itself as social anxiety or complex post-traumatic stress disorder (C-PTSD), with related difficulties managing emotions, exercising inhibition, and, ultimately, having relationships.17 When our nervous system remains on high alert, we constantly scan our environment, engage in worst-case scenario thinking, and often become overwhelmed with racing thoughts while we anxiously wait for the other shoe to drop.”
― Dr. Nicole LePera, How to Be the Love You Seek: Break Cycles, Find Peace, and Heal Your Relationships

“Those of us who routinely feel compelled to step in to help a friend in their latest self-created crisis, make excuses to cover up a partner's lies, or placate a parent in order to avoid an explosive reaction are enabling others to continue their patterns of harmful or self-destructive behaviors. Though we may think we're acting compassionately or even supportively, we're really allowing ourselves and others to stay stuck in dysfunctional cycles, often at both of our physical or emotional expenses.”
― Nicole LePera, How to Be the Love You Seek: Break Cycles, Find Peace, and Heal Your Relationships

“Here's the thing: love has to feel safe in order for us to be open to receiving it. But the reality for many of us is that the only version of "love" we experienced as children did not consistently feel safe. Because trauma bonds are neurobiologically conditioned and familiar, we continue to eek safety in habitual patterns, regardless of how unsafe they continue to make us and those around us feel. With few of us ever feeling peaceful and at ease, we stay stuck in cycles of stress reactivity, often acting like cornered animals with each other, creating or escalating conflict rather than joining together in truly loving and collaborative relationships.”
― Nicole LePera, How to Be the Love You Seek: Break Cycles, Find Peace, and Heal Your Relationships

“Co-regulation [...] won't solve all your relationship problems. And it won't help you pry open an emotionally shut-down person; that person has to take responsibility and make a conscious choice to show up differently in the relationship in order to create true and lasting change. But when two people are willing to do a little work together, this practice can significantly shift their relationship dynamics, even those that may have been stuck or dysfunctional for years.”
― Nicole LePera, How to Be the Love You Seek: Break Cycles, Find Peace, and Heal Your Relationships

“Though showing up to care for others is part of an emotionally supportive relationship, when you continually put others first, it can prevent you from tending to your own needs.”
― Nicole LePera, How to Be the Love You Seek: Break Cycles, Find Peace, and Heal Your Relationships

“our subconscious makes predictions within our relationships, we can easily apply past trauma to our present interactions and make decisions based on old inner child wounds.”
― Dr. Nicole LePera, How to Be the Love You Seek: Break Cycles, Find Peace, and Heal Your Relationships

“Research corroborates my experience, showing that elevated levels of the stress hormone cortisol in a pregnant woman can cause larger amygdala volume in a developing child, leading to a dysregulated stress response and anxious behaviors.”
― Dr. Nicole LePera, How to Be the Love You Seek: Break Cycles, Find Peace, and Heal Your Relationships

“Letting myself finally become vulnerable to my own pain allowed me to develop a true capacity for empathy, to be truly present to the pain carried by others.”
― Dr. Nicole LePera, How to Be the Love You Seek: Break Cycles, Find Peace, and Heal Your Relationships

“It’s the love that lives inside each of you that is the true source of all healing.”
― Dr. Nicole LePera, How to Be the Love You Seek: Break Cycles, Find Peace, and Heal Your Relationships