Housemoms Quotes

“Money talks but wealth whispers.”
― Jen Lancaster, Housemoms

“the confluence of arrogance and ignorance”
― Jen Lancaster, Housemoms

“Yet I can’t help relating to that quote from the old movie Clerks: “This job would be great if it wasn’t for the customers.”
― Jen Lancaster, Housemoms

“For a while, I thought maybe I’d meet a better class of guy on CatholicConnect.com, but when my most recent date said, “Do I have to feed you, or can we just bang it out in my car?”
― Jen Lancaster, Housemoms

“My point is, darling, sometimes you don’t get it right the first time, regardless of how hard you try. But you learn from the experience. Sometimes a do-over makes all the sense in the world. And I’m coming to realize that is okay. It’s never too late to start over and try again. If you believe something—or someone—deserves a second chance, why not give it a whirl? Maybe you won’t create Microsoft . . . but what if you do?”
― Jen Lancaster, Housemoms

“But my nostalgia can’t supersede what’s right.”
― Jen Lancaster, Housemoms

“The problem is that when the entire universe thinks you can do no wrong, eventually, you begin to believe your own press.”
― Jen Lancaster, Housemoms

“Marilee, one of the few other young ones, says we look like an advertisement for that probiotic yogurt that makes you go to the bathroom.”
― Jen Lancaster, Housemoms

“Open to what concept? Poverty?”
― Jen Lancaster, Housemoms

“buoyed by the adoration of my new husband, who I still thought was a good man.”
― Jen Lancaster, Housemoms

“It’s called stalking, and it’s a class four felony. Remember when you were convinced that Mom Hoogstratten had once been Eva Braun?”
― Jen Lancaster, Housemoms

“Oh God, I thought it was just me. Seeing my mother try to flirt is going to give me nightmares. I’m adding this to the list of things I need to discuss with my therapist.”
― Jen Lancaster, Housemoms

“Like he’s some tragic hero and not the kind of guy who swiped pain meds from his cancer-ridden wife because he refused to acknowledge he was out of control.”
― Jen Lancaster, Housemoms

“What is happening? Did I electrocute myself when I yanked the cord? Am I hallucinating? On what planet does my mother admit she’s anything shy of perfect?”
― Jen Lancaster, Housemoms

“thought I was so empowered, taking control of my financial destiny, yet I still had “the patriarch” calling the shots for me.”
― Jen Lancaster, Housemoms

“My father must be why I’m so anxious about meeting someone nice, decent. I keep self-sabotaging because of him. As much as I want children, I never want any kid to experience what I did growing up.”
― Jen Lancaster, Housemoms

“My mom was as sober and sane as a judge, but when my parents fought about my dad’s behavior, he would always pin it on her. He’d take me aside and say, “Mom isn’t being rational. Maybe things would be different if she was just a little more understanding.”
― Jen Lancaster, Housemoms

“He’s probably busy burying his tracks. How did I let this guy derail my new life, the best thing that ever happened to me? I don’t get a fresh fresh start; this is it.”
― Jen Lancaster, Housemoms

“She probably assumed Janelle would mess up, too, because she’s so young, but she had no idea Janelle was competent. Dean Grace intentionally sabotaged the sororities so she could fill them with higher-paying students and get herself promoted to provost.”
― Jen Lancaster, Housemoms

“Number two, it’s going to be like Red Lobster’s shrimp fest here for weeks. Do you understand me? Weeks!” Catching her breath, she continues. “I don’t even like shrimp! I don’t want to eat anything that poops in its own shell!”
― Jen Lancaster, Housemoms

“think about him, I fume. I’m furious about Smythe, and now I hate him for what he did to his investors and the charity. I even resent him for how his shenanigans left my mother in such a precarious spot.”
― Jen Lancaster, Housemoms

“The thing about decisions that are bad or inherently harmful—no one sets off to become addicted, to go all worst-case scenario. But that’s how I found myself using the third tier of the site.”
― Jen Lancaster, Housemoms

“She didn’t even get an Hermès bag charm.”
― Jen Lancaster, Housemoms

“Girl, everything about this site is trash. I told you it was trash. It’s a trash site for trash people. Period. And I told you it was a bad idea and that my cousin is a capital-S Skank who makes bad decisions. She voted for Kanye in the last election! I regretted even mentioning this idea to you, yet here we are. Remember, my suggestion is to call your dad and ask him for help.”
― Jen Lancaster, Housemoms

“The idea of selling access to pics of me in boudoir poses gave me the icks, but from an economic standpoint, it made sense. Being on the site was the lowest effort/highest return option available. I didn’t need a million bucks, but I wanted to pay more than the minimums on my credit cards and keep a roof over my head.”
― Jen Lancaster, Housemoms

“It’s also possible he’s paying for our dinner with a wallet full of stolen credit cards, which would not be the first time that has happened to me. Hopefully, this time we’ll make it to dessert before he’s arrested.”
― Jen Lancaster, Housemoms

“The only person I told was Uncle Pat, because he always needs to know my whereabouts. He sent the prayer hands emoji in response—I think he thought he was giving me a high five.”
― Jen Lancaster, Housemoms

“What’s wrong with her nickname?” “It’s hella insulting—there’s not an ounce of fat on her, and she doesn’t even eat chocolate.”
― Jen Lancaster, Housemoms

“even missed Lollapalooza for this,” Natalie says. “Dua Lipa was there. And those old guys who had their metal song on the last season of Stranger Things. Plus, the weather was perfect. No rain, low humidity, not too hot.”
― Jen Lancaster, Housemoms

“One can likely make a go on fifty million dollars in most places,” I reply dryly. “What you’re telling me is in no way a positive development. Again, what are we going to do?”
― Jen Lancaster, Housemoms