How to Fail Quotes

“Alcohol is decisiveness juice. It's also bad idea punch, intellect intoxicant, insolence nectar, fighting fluid, boastfulness booze, smartass sauce, injury water, aggressiveness aqua vitae, felony-committin’ firewater, and, of course, maybe above all else...depression drink.”
― Aaron Goldfarb, How to Fail: The Self-Hurt Guide

“Modern life was so fleeting. You could spend all day reading blogs, jerking off, sending e-mails, watching reality television, playing video games, drinking beers. This era had made it so easy to do nothing with your life. To be awake but not living. Just like I was.”
― Aaron Goldfarb, How to Fail: The Self-Hurt Guide

“You see, the one thing the government and a lot of voters don't seem to understand is that you can't turn a failure into a success just by giving them a little “free” money. Creating programs for them. Failures can only become successes by hard work and shit.”
― Aaron Goldfarb, How to Fail: The Self-Hurt Guide

“Let's be serious, I wasn't a jack of all trades. I was just a jack-off of none. A hubristic fool who lived in my mind, certain I was better than everyone. An irredeemable asshole that for some reason people tolerated and occasionally even liked.”
― Aaron Goldfarb, How to Fail: The Self-Hurt Guide

“Let's be honest, your occupation is boring. It's great if you like it. It's great if you pretend to like it. It's really great if you work good hours and make good money. But I don't need to hear about it.”
― Aaron Goldfarb, How to Fail: The Self-Hurt Guide

“Love conquers all.” But love doesn't conquer all. It doesn't conquer anything but boredom and horniness. Dictators with lots of brainwashed followers and state-of-the-art weaponry conquer all.”
― Aaron Goldfarb, How to Fail: The Self-Hurt Guide

“An English major is like being in a book club that costs $40,000 a year, has only annoying people in it, offers no refreshments at the meetings, and where people actually read the books.”
― Aaron Goldfarb, How to Fail: The Self-Hurt Guide

“Life is chaotic and unscripted. Not everyone becomes a success. Or, even a failure. Most people just are. They don't even consider what they are. They just are.”
― Aaron Goldfarb, How to Fail: The Self-Hurt Guide

“There's a subtle difference between the man that lives like each day could be his last and the man who lives like there's no tomorrow.”
― Aaron Goldfarb, How to Fail: The Self-Hurt Guide

“I’m haunted by demons but they aren’t very potent demons. They’re lazy, failure demons just like their possessor.”
― Aaron Goldfarb, How to Fail: The Self-Hurt Guide

“I was always just there. In a perpetual nihilistic malaise of ennui and lots of other SAT words.”
― Aaron Goldfarb, How to Fail: The Self-Hurt Guide

“Soooooo, trying to grow a beard?” Nope. Just checking out on life.”
― Aaron Goldfarb, How to Fail: The Self-Hurt Guide

“He laughs all the way to the bank. I cry at the ATM.”
― Aaron Goldfarb, How to Fail: The Self-Hurt Guide

“Look at you, loser. My self-loathing turns to hatred for my job. I'm not the loser. I just have a shitty fucking job. Another fucking day at the shitty fucking job.”
― Aaron Goldfarb, How to Fail: The Self-Hurt Guide