Raising Your Spirited Child Quotes

“Spirited children need to hear: You feel uncomfortable the first day your stepsister comes to stay with us because it changes our routine. You can say, “I’m having a tough time.” Change is difficult for you, but you can change and you do all of the time. Remember last week when you… The shift from school to home is very tough for you, but together we can come up with a plan to make it better. You like to know what to expect. Let’s talk about the plan for the day. I think you are upset because you were surprised. I can wait for you to finish. Or, where would you like to save it? You can be flexible. Our family works together. I will respect you, but I also need you to work with me.”
― Mary Sheedy Kurcinka, Raising Your Spirited Child: A Guide for Parents Whose Child is More Intense, Sensitive, Perceptive, Persistent, and Energetic

“Motivate your child to listen with words of support and love that let him know he is safe with you. Send your message in many different ways including talking, writing, drawing, and demonstrating. Touch your child lightly to help him attend to your instructions. Make sure you have his attention by making eye contact. Keep your message simple. Avoid asking a question if there really isn’t a choice. Tell him what he can do. Limit the number of instructions you give at one time.”
― Mary Sheedy Kurcinka, Raising Your Spirited Child: A Guide for Parents Whose Child is More Intense, Sensitive, Perceptive, Persistent, and Energetic

“When a child feels safe, his brain unconsciously directs his facial muscles to make eye contact, vocalize with an appealing inflection and rhythm, and adjust the middle ear muscle to distinguish the human voice from background sounds more efficiently. But if he feels threatened, the brain spontaneously signals these same muscles to let the eyelids droop, reduce voice inflection, and adjust the muscle in the middle ear so that the human voice becomes less acute and the sounds in the environment more pronounced instead.”
― Mary Sheedy Kurcinka, Raising Your Spirited Child: A Guide for Parents Whose Child is More Intense, Sensitive, Perceptive, Persistent, and Energetic

“Instead of telling yourself that if there’s another blowup this morning you’re going to be really angry or feel like a complete failure, or that you are certain your child really is trying to sabotage the day, you can say, “I’m expecting that this morning may not go smoothly. Whatever happens, I am proud of myself for not letting it upset me.” Or, “I understand that it’s difficult for my child to separate in the morning. She’s really not just trying to get me.” Or, “Something must be upsetting her. We can figure it out.” Or, “This morning may be tough, but she really is learning. Six months ago every day had a blowup, now it’s only once or twice a week.”
― Mary Sheedy Kurcinka, Raising Your Spirited Child: A Guide for Parents Whose Child is More Intense, Sensitive, Perceptive, Persistent, and Energetic

“Many parents of spirited children are baffled by the fact that spirited children can be both persistent and perceptive. They wonder how spirited kids can forget two directions from their parents, yet remember the Kentucky Fried Chicken stand fifty miles back and insist on going there. The answer is simple. Spirited kids are persistent when they are motivated and personally interested in the idea or activity. If it’s their idea, they won’t let go of it. If it’s yours, they are much more interested in what else is going on in the world around them. The world needs people who are persistent, but as their parent you can expect to expend more energy and skill to win cooperation.”
― Mary Sheedy Kurcinka, Raising Your Spirited Child: A Guide for Parents Whose Child is More Intense, Sensitive, Perceptive, Persistent, and Energetic

“J. J. Goodnow found in his research that parents whose children were very socially competent did not see their children’s occasional social “tussles” as signs of aggressiveness but attributed the missteps to something more temporary, like a high-energy child who had played too long. As a result, instead of getting angry with their child, they simply made a mental note to help him avoid getting into trouble in the future, by pointing out when to call it quits. That optimistic perspective kept them working together.”
― Mary Sheedy Kurcinka, Raising Your Spirited Child: A Guide for Parents Whose Child is More Intense, Sensitive, Perceptive, Persistent, and Energetic

“Living with the “raw gem” of a persistent child is not easy. To tell these kids no, to thwart their efforts, is to risk their wrath. Even as infants they are incredibly determined and strong. They push where other kids don’t push. They demand more than other kids demand. And they never give up. It is nearly impossible to ignore them or distract them. In every situation they meet us head-on, ready to do battle. Persistence is the temperamental trait that plays a major role in power struggles. Spirited kids need, want, and seek power. But we can learn to choose our battles wisely. We don’t have to fight every day. By recognizing our children’s drive and goal orientation, we can teach them to channel their persistence appropriately—to use it as an asset rather than a weapon. We can be a problem-solving family where persistence and commitment to one’s goals is celebrated, and the ability to work with others is a honed skill.”
― Mary Sheedy Kurcinka, Raising Your Spirited Child: A Guide for Parents Whose Child is More Intense, Sensitive, Perceptive, Persistent, and Energetic

“Managed well, intensity adds flavor and excitement to our lives. It’s the trait that allows our spirited children to be animated, vivacious, and zealous. It provides them with the drive needed to become the karate champ, the tumbling tiger, the enthusiastic creator, the lively entertainer, and the charismatic leader. If we can fill ourselves with positive messages about intensity, we can stand in front of a mirror and proudly tell ourselves: “Intensity adds value to my life.” “I am comfortable with intensity.” “I can accept my child’s intensity.” “I can help my child learn to manage her intensity.” “I do not fear intensity.”
― Mary Sheedy Kurcinka, Raising Your Spirited Child: A Guide for Parents Whose Child is More Intense, Sensitive, Perceptive, Persistent, and Energetic

“When you’re in the middle and stuck, you need to know when to back out and call for help. If that person is someone you live with, set up your signals as Molly and her husband did. Use expressions or words that clearly signify “I need your help now!” It is imperative that parents of spirited children work together. It is not a sign of failure to let others assist you. It is a recognition and acceptance of your own intensity and limits. Blaming or ridiculing only fuels the intensity levels. Teamwork is essential. You have to talk about how you react when your child is upset. You have to decide how you can help and support each other. By working together, you take the sting out of your child’s strong responses. You create a lifeline that keeps you from falling into the abyss of the red zone. If it seems impossible for you and your partner to work together, seek counseling, and make weekly dates a priority so that you can work together. Researchers at the Gottman Institute have found that children of unhappily married parents are chronically aroused physiologically and it takes them much longer to recover from emotional arousal. Your children need you to work together so that they can stay in the green zone, where they are calm and open to your guidance. If you are a single parent, you might think that you can’t ask someone else for help. Single parents often say, “What if I call and interrupt their meal or family time?” Or, “I don’t want to bother anyone.” But good friends don’t mind being bothered. They appreciate the opportunity to help and the joy of giving. Look for someone you know who likes your child and won’t be critical of him or you. You have to be able to trust that they’ll support you, and then feel free to call. As the parent of a spirited child, you have to know and use your resources well. Step Away from It Of course there are times when your kids are plummeting into the red zone and you are all alone, with no one to help. If you realize you’re going over the edge with them, give yourself permission to step out of the fire. It’s much better to take a breather than to have two bulls charging head to head into each other.”
― Mary Sheedy Kurcinka, Raising Your Spirited Child: A Guide for Parents Whose Child is More Intense, Sensitive, Perceptive, Persistent, and Energetic

“I’m not sure if it was the despondent look in a parent’s big brown eyes and the hopeless shake of her head or if it was listening to my husband the other morning screaming at the kids, “I promised myself I wasn’t going to yell this week” that made me realize that recommending that spirited parents keep their cool was a denial of their own intensity. Somehow, some way, spirited adults have to find an acceptable outlet for their own intense reactions before they can help their children handle theirs. It doesn’t work to simply say, “I am supposed to be cool.” The fact is, you’re not. The”
― Mary Sheedy Kurcinka, Raising Your Spirited Child: A Guide for Parents Whose Child is More Intense, Sensitive, Perceptive, Persistent, and Energetic

“Children learn best from the adults they love. They watch carefully to see how you handle your strong emotions. Most of us, however, have not been taught to enjoy the richness intensity adds to our lives; nor have we been instructed in the safety measures needed to use it appropriately. To help our children understand and manage their intense emotions, we have to feel comfortable with our own. DEALING WITH YOUR OWN INTENSITY The intensity of spirited kids sizzles and snaps. It can burn you to the core. You breathe deeply trying your best to block the blows. At first, like drops on a rainproof jacket they roll off. But the torrent grows heavier, the drops more penetrating, roaring in your ear, and piercing your composure until you may find yourself also in the red zone screaming, threatening and slamming doors.”
― Mary Sheedy Kurcinka, Raising Your Spirited Child: A Guide for Parents Whose Child is More Intense, Sensitive, Perceptive, Persistent, and Energetic

“Intense spirited kids need to hear phrases like: You are enthusiastic. You are expressive and lively. That can be frustrating. You are very upset, but you are a problem solver and will figure out what to do. Being intense does not mean being aggressive. I’m wondering if you are feeling anxious, angry, sad (or whatever the emotion might be). Your body gets very excited. When kids hear these messages over and over again, they are able to turn them into “I” messages. An intense spirited child can learn to tell himself: I am getting upset I’m going into the red zone. I can be angry without hurting someone. I am really excited. I like being enthusiastic. My blood is starting to boil. I need to step out of here. I’m feeling crabby. I experience very strong emotions, but I don’t have to let them overwhelm me. By giving them the words, we give them the tools to get their needs met appropriately.”
― Mary Sheedy Kurcinka, Raising Your Spirited Child: A Guide for Parents Whose Child is More Intense, Sensitive, Perceptive, Persistent, and Energetic

“Words control the impulses; without them children have no protective devices to slow their reactions. Frequently I am asked, “Aren’t you just begging for a blowup when you talk about intensity with kids? Aren’t you feeding them ideas or creating words for feelings that don’t really exist?” My experience, observations, and interviews tell me that spirited children feel intensely whether anyone has talked to them about it or not. Ignoring it does not make it go away. Ask children what is happening inside their bodies, and they will tell you that they can feel their blood buzzing in their veins or hornets zipping through their body. If no one has informed them that other people experience these feelings or if no one has helped them by giving names to these feelings—like anxiety, frustration, excitement, and elation—they become frightened by them. Some worry that they are sick. Some feel odd, others lost and overwhelmed. Talking verifies the sensations and emotions. It gives them legitimacy and allows the child to own them without being frightened. It also helps kids to know what to do with them, how to react, and how to manage their intensity. Most”
― Mary Sheedy Kurcinka, Raising Your Spirited Child: A Guide for Parents Whose Child is More Intense, Sensitive, Perceptive, Persistent, and Energetic

“Using Words Learning to express their potent reactions in words rather than in actions is critical for spirited children. If they can tell us they are angry, they don’t have to kick us to get the message across. It’s our labels that they turn to as they are building their vocabulary—the words we use to describe and explain intensity. Three-year-old Al is a blond, tousled-haired minitornado. “I’ve got gusto,” he informed me. “My dad says it’s okay to do things with gusto—as long as you don’t hurt anybody!” “I’m full of it,” a five-year-old shared, “just like my Grandpa Dick.” “My mom plays whisper games with me to help me practice my soft voice because usually I’ve very dramatic,” six-year-old Chrissie exclaimed. “I have powerful reactions,” eight-year-old Kerry told me. These children, as young as three (and sometimes even two) understand their intensity and feel good about it. They haven’t been told they were wild, aggressive, or mean. The words to describe their intensity have focused on the vim, vigor, and energy racing through their body in a positive way. It is those words that help them to feel comfortable with their intensity rather than embarrassed or frightened by it. As a result, they don’t have to run wild, scream, hit, or throw things to express themselves—at least most of the time. They can talk about it instead.”
― Mary Sheedy Kurcinka, Raising Your Spirited Child: A Guide for Parents Whose Child is More Intense, Sensitive, Perceptive, Persistent, and Energetic

“Ultimately we want the children to catch their growing intensity themselves, to rely on their inner control rather than our control. By giving them the words, we can expect that by the time they are three and a half or four years of age, we will be hearing things like: “Mom, I’m starting to bounce off the walls, help me.” Or, “Dad, I’m really revved up.” Or, “I’m having a very hard morning.”
― Mary Sheedy Kurcinka, Raising Your Spirited Child: A Guide for Parents Whose Child is More Intense, Sensitive, Perceptive, Persistent, and Energetic

“Whether it’s revving up, getting louder, testing the rules, fussing over a decision, or becoming less coordinated, spirited kids are letting you know when their intensity is rising. You don’t have to wait until they are weeping uncontrollably to detect their sadness or screaming in fury to sense their anger. Emotions are much easier to manage when they are at a lower level of intensity. It’s very likely that you have indeed felt your child’s cues in your gut but may have ignored them because you were too tired or rushing to get somewhere. Perhaps you ignored them because you thought responding to these cues reinforces your child’s negative behavior, but reading the cues is like smelling smoke. If you follow up quickly, you may be able to smother the fire before it engulfs you, saving you an hour of total turmoil.”
― Mary Sheedy Kurcinka, Raising Your Spirited Child: A Guide for Parents Whose Child is More Intense, Sensitive, Perceptive, Persistent, and Energetic

“And while the temperamentally active child will always be an energetic individual, how that looks can change over time. With guidance from you, your spirited child can learn to channel his energy in positive ways. Instead of jumping on Grandma’s couch, he may be jumping on a diving board. The slow-to-accept-change child may always find shifting from one activity to another a bit disconcerting, but with your assistance and support he can learn to cope with change. With a little forewarning and preparation, initially on your part and ultimately on his, he can learn to: arise in the morning, arrive at the dinner table promptly, and get into and out of the car without a major meltdown. By adapting your parenting techniques to fit his temperament and his style, and teaching him the skills he needs, you help him to live cooperatively with others and to be all that he can be. To deny him his energy, his need for preparation before shifts, or any of his other temperamental traits is telling him “don’t be”—don’t be who you are.”
― Mary Sheedy Kurcinka, Raising Your Spirited Child: A Guide for Parents Whose Child is More Intense, Sensitive, Perceptive, Persistent, and Energetic

“You Do Make a Difference But biology is not destiny. What we now know is that nature and nurture matter. How your child’s temperament is ultimately expressed depends on his age, experience, and training. David Reiss of George Washington University, states, “Whether and how strongly genes that underlie behaviors are turned on or expressed depends on the interaction and relationships a child has with the important people in his life.” You don’t get to choose your child’s temperament, nor does your child, but you do make a big difference. It is you who helps your child understand his temperament, emphasizes his strengths, provides him with the guidance he needs to express himself appropriately, and gently nudges him forward. The researchers now believe that by doing so you provide the practice needed to create new pathways within the brain and as a result fresh ways of responding and functioning. So when you recognize your child’s intense reaction, move in to soothe and calm him, and ultimately teach him how to compose himself, you change not only his behavior but the physical reaction within his body as well.”
― Mary Sheedy Kurcinka, Raising Your Spirited Child: A Guide for Parents Whose Child is More Intense, Sensitive, Perceptive, Persistent, and Energetic

“obstacles nosy curious wild energetic extreme tenderhearted inflexible traditional manipulative charismatic impatient compelling anxious cautious explosive dramatic picky selective whiny analytical distractible perceptive”
― Mary Sheedy Kurcinka, Raising Your Spirited Child: A Guide for Parents Whose Child is More Intense, Sensitive, Perceptive, Persistent, and Energetic

“5. You may celebrate and enjoy the delights of your spirited child. You can concentrate on strengths, appreciate her tender heart, and tickle your fancy with her wild stories and crazy creations. It is appropriate and right to tell her when she is good, instead of when she is bad, to teach her the right way to behave rather than to punish her for innocent errors. Your spirited child possesses personality traits that we value in adults. It is never too early to begin proclaiming her virtues.”
― Mary Sheedy Kurcinka, Raising Your Spirited Child: A Guide for Parents Whose Child is More Intense, Sensitive, Perceptive, Persistent, and Energetic

“4. You have permission to take care of yourself. Your own need for sleep, quiet, uninterrupted adult conversation, lovemaking, a leisurely bath, a walk around the block, and time to complete your own projects is real and legitimate. It is not a sign of failure to ask a friend for help, to hire a sitter, or to allow relatives the opportunity to build a relationship with your child while you take a break. When you fulfill your needs, you generate the energy to meet your child’s needs.”
― Mary Sheedy Kurcinka, Raising Your Spirited Child: A Guide for Parents Whose Child is More Intense, Sensitive, Perceptive, Persistent, and Energetic

“3. You are not powerless. There is information in this book to help you understand your spirited child. You can read it and use it. You can strengthen skills you already have and learn new ones. You can reduce the hassles and live peacefully with your spirited child—most days. Progress not perfection is our goal.”
― Mary Sheedy Kurcinka, Raising Your Spirited Child: A Guide for Parents Whose Child is More Intense, Sensitive, Perceptive, Persistent, and Energetic

“2. You did not make your child spirited. There is a genetic factor to being spirited, but how one’s genes are expressed is significantly influenced by life events. You are but one of the many influences in your child’s life. Other parents, relatives, siblings, teachers, neighbors, friends, life experiences, and the world at large all play a part. You make a big difference, but not the only difference.”
― Mary Sheedy Kurcinka, Raising Your Spirited Child: A Guide for Parents Whose Child is More Intense, Sensitive, Perceptive, Persistent, and Energetic

“8. FIRST REACTION: A quick withdrawal from anything new is typical of many spirited kids. Any unfamiliar idea, thing, place, or person may be met with a vehement “NO!” or a quick disappearance behind your leg or to another room. They need time to warm up before they’re ready to participate.”
― Mary Sheedy Kurcinka, Raising Your Spirited Child: A Guide for Parents Whose Child is More Intense, Sensitive, Perceptive, Persistent, and Energetic

“THE BONUS CHARACTERISTICS are not common to all spirited kids, but if your child possesses any of them, you will need to be even more enterprising. Not only are you living with a child who is more, but you’re also faced with the exhaustion of life with a child who is energetic, rarely falls into a predictable sleeping and eating schedule, expresses a strong resistance to new situations and things, and shares fewer rewarding smiles. Don’t despair. These too have their potential.”
― Mary Sheedy Kurcinka, Raising Your Spirited Child: A Guide for Parents Whose Child is More Intense, Sensitive, Perceptive, Persistent, and Energetic

“9. MOOD: The world is a serious place for some spirited kids. They’re analytical, meticulously reviewing experiences, finding the flaws, and making suggestions for change. Even if they scored three goals in a soccer game, they’ll focus on the one they missed. If they are excited about an event or pleased with a gift, you may not be aware of it, as their smiles are a rare treat.”
― Mary Sheedy Kurcinka, Raising Your Spirited Child: A Guide for Parents Whose Child is More Intense, Sensitive, Perceptive, Persistent, and Energetic

“7. ENERGY: The tales of spirited kids I hear from parents are truly amazing, like that of the two-week old baby that “crawled” the entire length of a queen-sized bed and was about to land on the floor when his father found him. Or the toddler who opened the oven door, used it to crawl onto the counter and from there to the top of the refrigerator. Not all spirited kids are climbers and leapers. But they do tend to be busy—fidgeting, taking things apart, exploring, and creating projects—from the time they wake up until they finally fall asleep. Although sometimes viewed as “wild,” their energy is usually focused and has a purpose. It may surprise you that not all spirited children have a high energy level because for those who do, it is often the energy that first catches a parent’s attention, and that is why I have included it in the subtitle of this book. However, if you look more closely, it is usually the intensity of the motion or the persistence of it rather than the energy itself which is at issue.”
― Mary Sheedy Kurcinka, Raising Your Spirited Child: A Guide for Parents Whose Child is More Intense, Sensitive, Perceptive, Persistent, and Energetic

“6. REGULARITY: Figuring out when they will sleep or eat is a daily puzzle for parents of spirited children who are irregular. It seems impossible to get them onto any kind of schedule. An eight-hour night of undisturbed sleep is a mere memory lingering in your mind from the days before their birth.”
― Mary Sheedy Kurcinka, Raising Your Spirited Child: A Guide for Parents Whose Child is More Intense, Sensitive, Perceptive, Persistent, and Energetic

“WHILE EACH SPIRITED CHILD IS UNIQUE, most are more intense, persistent, sensitive, perceptive, and uncomfortable with change. Many, but not all, possess four additional “bonus” characteristics: aspects of their personality that can make being their parent even more challenging.”
― Mary Sheedy Kurcinka, Raising Your Spirited Child: A Guide for Parents Whose Child is More Intense, Sensitive, Perceptive, Persistent, and Energetic

“5. ADAPTABILITY: Spirited children are uncomfortable with change. They hate surprises and do not shift easily from one activity or idea to another. If they’re expecting hot dogs on the grill for supper, heaven forbid if you come home and suggest going out to a restaurant. Even if it is their favorite restaurant, they’ll say, “No, I want hot dogs.” Adapting to change, any change, is tough: ending a game in order to come to lunch, changing clothes for different seasons, sleeping at Grandma’s house instead of at home, getting in the car, and getting out of the car. All of these activities signal a struggle for slow-to-adapt spirited children.”
― Mary Sheedy Kurcinka, Raising Your Spirited Child: A Guide for Parents Whose Child is More Intense, Sensitive, Perceptive, Persistent, and Energetic