The War of Don Emmanuel's Nether Parts Quotes

“It sometimes happens that in relatively powerless and impoverished countries there arise men of enormous vision who are frustrated and offended by the limitations of their lives and seek to reach out for the stars on behalf of themselves and their nations.”
― Louis de Bernières, The War of Don Emmanuel's Nether Parts

“Their trade was not life, but death. They have eaten the fruit of the tree they grew for others to eat.”
― Louis de Bernières, The War of Don Emmanuel's Nether Parts

“The truth is that the mountains are a place where you can find whatever you want just by looking, as long as you remember that they do not suffer fools gladly and particularly dislike those with preconceived ideas.”
― Louis de Bernières, The War of Don Emmanuel's Nether Parts

“The oligarchy was divided into Liberals and Conservatives, who were united in their terror of communism after the success of the Cuban Revolution, especially since many of them had had interests in the brothels and casinos of Havana; others had had interests in pharmaceutical companies that manufactured drugs to cure the diseases spread by the former, and some in supplying guns to be used by gangs struggling for control of the latter. However, the Liberals and Conservatives differed over how to combat the spread of such appalling beliefs as “equality,” “fair pay,” and “democracy.” The Conservatives believed in coming down hard on them; this involved being curt with your campesinos, keeping them illiterate, and paying them a fixed wage of 150 pesos a week. The Liberals, on the other hand, believed in being jolly with your campesinos, teaching them to read bits of paper with instructions on them, and paying them a fixed wage of 150 pesos a week. In this way they hoped that the peasants would become too contented to bother to be Communists. The whole situation became infinitely confused by the Conservatives’ habit of describing the Liberals as “Communists.”
― Louis de Bernières, The War of Don Emmanuel's Nether Parts

“Eventually, in an historic feat of compromise, democracy was restored by the abolition of elections..”
― Louis de Bernières, The War of Don Emmanuel's Nether Parts

“This rule is that people always think that if they are very expert at something, that thing must therefore be extremely important.”
― Louis de Bernières, The War of Don Emmanuel's Nether Parts

“People always think that if they are expert at something, that thing must therefore be extremely important.”
― Louis de Bernières, The War of Don Emmanuel's Nether Parts

“However, the Liberals and Conservatives differed over how to combat the spread of such appalling beliefs as “equality,” “fair pay,” and “democracy.” The Conservatives believed in coming down hard on them; this involved being curt with your campesinos, keeping them illiterate, and paying them a fixed wage of 150 pesos a week. The Liberals, on the other hand, believed in being jolly with your campesinos, teaching them to read bits of paper with instructions on them, and paying them a fixed wage of 150 pesos a week.”
― Louis de Bernières, The War of Don Emmanuel's Nether Parts

“There is nothing at all wrong with our laws and institutions and our constitution, which are all democratic and enlightened. What is wrong is that they are enforced by people who do not consider themselves bound by them.”
― Louis de Bernières, The War of Don Emmanuel's Nether Parts

“The mayor was also the local policeman, which meant that only one man needed to be bribed rather than two... The community was proud that he was their mayor and their policeman even though he had sold his neice to Pedro the Grocer for one hundred and twenty-two words.”
― Louis de Bernières, The War of Don Emmanuel's Nether Parts

“There was once a painter who traveled into the cordillera in order to paint an invisible picture of Christ. When he finished, the local Indians scrambled up the rocks to examine it and found that it was, in fact, a picture of Viracocha. A Chinaman passing by went up to see what it was that was causing such excitement and found to his surprise that on the rock was a picture of the Buddha. The painter stuck to his assertion that it was Christ who was invisibly portrayed, and a loud and rancorous argument developed. In the midst of the altercation one of the Indians noticed that the portrait had erased itself. The truth is that the mountains are a place where you can find whatever you want just by looking, as long as you remember that they do not suffer fools gladly and particularly dislike those with preconceived ideas.”
― Louis de Bernières, The War of Don Emmanuel's Nether Parts