It's Not Easy Bein' Me Quotes

“My doctor told me to watch my drinking. Now I drink in front of a mirror.”
― Rodney Dangerfield, It's Not Easy Bein' Me: A Lifetime of No Respect but Plenty of Sex and Drugs

“Life's a short trip. You'll find out.”
― Rodney Dangerfield, It's Not Easy Bein' Me: A Lifetime of No Respect but Plenty of Sex and Drugs

“What a doctor I’ve got—he’s really mixed up. Last week, he grabbed my knee and told me to cough. Then he hit me in the balls with a hammer.”
― Rodney Dangerfield, It's Not Easy Bein' Me: A Lifetime of No Respect but Plenty of Sex and Drugs

“What a childhood I had. My parents sent me to a child psychiatrist. The kid didn’t help me at all.”
― Rodney Dangerfield, It's Not Easy Bein' Me: A Lifetime of No Respect but Plenty of Sex and Drugs

“I live in a tough neighborhood. They got a children’s zoo. Last week, four kids escaped.”
― Rodney Dangerfield, It's Not Easy Bein' Me: A Lifetime of No Respect but Plenty of Sex and Drugs

“I mean, I’m not a kid anymore. I could go tomorrow. And I hope I go tomorrow. I haven’t gone today yet.”
― Rodney Dangerfield, It's Not Easy Bein' Me: A Lifetime of No Respect but Plenty of Sex and Drugs

“Given enough time, and no other options, I can adjust to just about anything.”
― Roseanne Barr, It's Not Easy Bein' Me: A Lifetime of No Respect but Plenty of Sex and Drugs

“My doctor’s a very strange man. I said to him, “Doc, what’s the difference between an oral thermometer and a rectal thermometer?” He told me, “The taste.”
― Rodney Dangerfield, It's Not Easy Bein' Me: A Lifetime of No Respect but Plenty of Sex and Drugs

“I told my doctor, “Every day I wake up, I look in the mirror, I want to throw up. What’s wrong with me?” He said, “I don’t know, but your eyesight is perfect.”
― Rodney Dangerfield, It's Not Easy Bein' Me: A Lifetime of No Respect but Plenty of Sex and Drugs

“I told my doctor, “I think my wife has VD.” He gave himself a shot of penicillin.”
― Rodney Dangerfield, It's Not Easy Bein' Me: A Lifetime of No Respect but Plenty of Sex and Drugs

“I’m at the age now, when I meet a woman sixty years old, she’s too young for me.”
― Rodney Dangerfield, It's Not Easy Bein' Me: A Lifetime of No Respect but Plenty of Sex and Drugs

“A belly button is good for only one thing: when you’re lying in bed eating celery, it’s a place to put the salt.”
― Rodney Dangerfield, It's Not Easy Bein' Me: A Lifetime of No Respect but Plenty of Sex and Drugs

“I tell ya one thing, my wife keeps me in line. No matter how many guys are ahead of me.”
― Rodney Dangerfield, It's Not Easy Bein' Me: A Lifetime of No Respect but Plenty of Sex and Drugs

“Last week, I went to a discount massage parlor—it was self-service.”
― Rodney Dangerfield, It's Not Easy Bein' Me: A Lifetime of No Respect but Plenty of Sex and Drugs

“The day my wife and I got married—that was a beauty. I gave her the ring and she gave me the finger.”
― Rodney Dangerfield, It's Not Easy Bein' Me: A Lifetime of No Respect but Plenty of Sex and Drugs

“My wife can’t cook at all. She made chocolate mousse. An antler got stuck in my throat.”
― Rodney Dangerfield, It's Not Easy Bein' Me: A Lifetime of No Respect but Plenty of Sex and Drugs

“I feel sorry for short people. When it rains, they’re the last ones to know about it.”
― Rodney Dangerfield, It's Not Easy Bein' Me: A Lifetime of No Respect but Plenty of Sex and Drugs

“I told my psychiatrist, “Doc, I keep thinking I’m a dog.” He told me to get off his couch.”
― Rodney Dangerfield, It's Not Easy Bein' Me: A Lifetime of No Respect but Plenty of Sex and Drugs

“The toughest club I worked was owned by a guy named Nunzio. Man, he was tough. One day he said to me, “Kid, you wanna go hunting?” I said, “Okay, I’m game.” And he shot me.”
― Rodney Dangerfield, It's Not Easy Bein' Me: A Lifetime of No Respect but Plenty of Sex and Drugs

“I loaned a guy $10,000 to get plastic surgery. Now I can’t find him. I don’t know what he looks like.”
― Rodney Dangerfield, It's Not Easy Bein' Me: A Lifetime of No Respect but Plenty of Sex and Drugs

“I tell ya, my wife is never nice. She won a trip to Las Vegas for two. She went twice.”
― Rodney Dangerfield, It's Not Easy Bein' Me: A Lifetime of No Respect but Plenty of Sex and Drugs

“I tell ya one thing about me. I say “No” to drugs. When people ask me for some of my drugs, I say “No.”
― Rodney Dangerfield, It's Not Easy Bein' Me: A Lifetime of No Respect but Plenty of Sex and Drugs

“I told my dentist my teeth were all getting yellow. He told me to wear a brown necktie.”
― Rodney Dangerfield, It's Not Easy Bein' Me: A Lifetime of No Respect but Plenty of Sex and Drugs

“I never got girls when I was a kid. One girl told me, “Come on over, there’s nobody home.” I went over. There was nobody home.”
― Rodney Dangerfield, It's Not Easy Bein' Me: A Lifetime of No Respect but Plenty of Sex and Drugs

“I figured out I’m bisexual. I have sex twice a year.”
― Rodney Dangerfield, It's Not Easy Bein' Me: A Lifetime of No Respect but Plenty of Sex and Drugs

“We were poor. We were so poor, in my neighborhood the rainbow was in black-and-white.”
― Rodney Dangerfield, It's Not Easy Bein' Me: A Lifetime of No Respect but Plenty of Sex and Drugs

“Nothing goes right. I joined Gamblers Anonymous. They gave me two-to-one I don’t make it.”
― Rodney Dangerfield, It's Not Easy Bein' Me: A Lifetime of No Respect but Plenty of Sex and Drugs

“With my ol’ man, I got no respect. He told me to start at the bottom. He was teaching me how to swim.”
― Rodney Dangerfield, It's Not Easy Bein' Me: A Lifetime of No Respect but Plenty of Sex and Drugs

“The other night, I had a date with a manicurist. We went to a nightclub. We started to hold hands. And while she was holding my hand, she took my other hand and put it in my drink.”
― Rodney Dangerfield, It's Not Easy Bein' Me: A Lifetime of No Respect but Plenty of Sex and Drugs

“I tell ya, my wife likes to talk during sex. Last night, she called me from a motel.”
― Rodney Dangerfield, It's Not Easy Bein' Me: A Lifetime of No Respect but Plenty of Sex and Drugs