The Explosive Child Quotes

“There’s an excellent video of full-class Plan B on the Lives in the Balance website.”
― Ross W. Greene, The Explosive Child: A New Approach for Understanding and Parenting Easily Frustrated, Chronically Inflexible Children

“It’s crucial to go further than simply concluding that a student’s concerning behaviors are working at getting them something they want (for example, attention) and escaping and avoiding tasks and situations that are difficult, uncomfortable, tedious, or scary. A good functional assessment needs to explain why a student is going about getting, escaping, and avoiding in such a maladaptive fashion (lagging skills) and when that is occurring (unsolved problems).”
― Ross W. Greene, The Explosive Child: A New Approach for Understanding and Parenting Easily Frustrated, Chronically Inflexible Children

“Some educators believe that the expertise necessary for understanding and helping behaviorally challenging students is well beyond their grasp. Not true.”
― Ross W. Greene, The Explosive Child: A New Approach for Understanding and Parenting Easily Frustrated, Chronically Inflexible Children

“We have to set an example for all of our students; even if suspension doesn’t help Frankie, at least it sets an example for our other students. We need to let them know that we take this kind of behavior seriously at our school. QUESTION: What message do we give the other students if we continue to apply interventions that aren’t helping Frankie behave more adaptively? ANSWER: That we’re actually not sure how to help our students with concerning behaviors. QUESTION: What’s the likelihood that the students who don’t exhibit concerning behaviors will begin to exhibit concerning behaviors if we did not make an example of Frankie? ANSWER: As a general rule, slim to none. QUESTION: What message do we give Frankie if we continue to apply strategies that aren’t working? ANSWER: We don’t understand you and we can’t help you.”
― Ross W. Greene, The Explosive Child: A New Approach for Understanding and Parenting Easily Frustrated, Chronically Inflexible Children

“The fact that concerning behaviors aren’t occurring at school doesn’t mean that school isn’t contributing to concerning behaviors that occur elsewhere. Many things can happen at school to fuel episodes outside of school: being teased by other kids, feeling socially isolated or rejected, feeling frustrated and embarrassed over struggles on certain academic tasks, feeling misunderstood by the teacher. Homework, of course, often extends academic frustrations well beyond the end of the school day. So, schools still have a role to play in helping kids with concerning behaviors, even if they don’t see the kid at his worst.”
― Ross W. Greene, The Explosive Child: A New Approach for Understanding and Parenting Easily Frustrated, Chronically Inflexible Children

“There are a lot of different people to get on the same page. And there’s a big dinosaur in the building: the existing school discipline program.”
― Ross W. Greene, The Explosive Child: A New Approach for Understanding and Parenting Easily Frustrated, Chronically Inflexible Children

“In many two-parent families, one parent is primarily disposed toward imposition of adult will (convinced that more authority would get things squared away), and the other is primarily disposed toward just letting things go (having become convinced that more authority is only making things worse and that family peace is more important than compliance).”
― Ross W. Greene, The Explosive Child: A New Approach for Understanding and Parenting Easily Frustrated, Chronically Inflexible Children

“Another maladaptive communication pattern is overgeneralization. It refers to the tendency to draw global conclusions in response to isolated events.”
― Ross W. Greene, The Explosive Child: A New Approach for Understanding and Parenting Easily Frustrated, Chronically Inflexible Children

“Speculation is a no-win proposition. Solving problems collaboratively is a win-win proposition.”
― Ross W. Greene, The Explosive Child: A New Approach for Understanding and Parenting Easily Frustrated, Chronically Inflexible Children

“by making appropriate, corrective statements to set the record straight (“Dad, I don’t think that’s true at all”), a kid with concerning behaviors may not have those skills and may therefore become extremely frustrated in the face of these inaccuracies.”
― Ross W. Greene, The Explosive Child: A New Approach for Understanding and Parenting Easily Frustrated, Chronically Inflexible Children

“conclusions about each other’s motives or thoughts. Others have referred to this pattern as psychologizing or mind reading,”
― Ross W. Greene, The Explosive Child: A New Approach for Understanding and Parenting Easily Frustrated, Chronically Inflexible Children

“parental attention is never distributed with 100 percent parity in any family, and parental priorities are never exactly the same for each child in any family. In your family, everyone gets what they need, which is different for everyone.”
― Ross W. Greene, The Explosive Child: A New Approach for Understanding and Parenting Easily Frustrated, Chronically Inflexible Children

“solutions to problems encountered by human beings fall into one of three general categories: (1) ask for help, (2) meet halfway or give a little, and (3) do it a different way/change the plan. These categories can simplify things for kids whose communication skills are compromised and who may benefit from having the three possibilities depicted in pictures, as well as for kids whose communication skills are generally intact but who become easily overwhelmed by the universe of potential solutions.”
― Ross W. Greene, The Explosive Child: A New Approach for Understanding and Parenting Easily Frustrated, Chronically Inflexible Children

“because of maturation and/or because new skills and improved relationships were developed when the medication was being prescribed, it is sometimes possible to discontinue the medication. Ultimately, the question of whether a child should remain on medication must be continuously revisited.”
― Ross W. Greene, The Explosive Child: A New Approach for Understanding and Parenting Easily Frustrated, Chronically Inflexible Children

“In the Invitation step, kids get practice at considering a range of solutions to a problem, considering the likely outcomes of those solutions, and shifting from a solution that only works for them to a solution that will work for other people, too.”
― Ross W. Greene, The Explosive Child: A New Approach for Understanding and Parenting Easily Frustrated, Chronically Inflexible Children

“In the Define Adult Concerns step, kids practice listening to another person’s concerns (what many of us refer to as empathy), taking another person’s perspective, and appreciating how their behavior is affecting others.”
― Ross W. Greene, The Explosive Child: A New Approach for Understanding and Parenting Easily Frustrated, Chronically Inflexible Children

“In the Empathy step, kids practice reflecting on their concerns and expressing those concerns in ways that other people can hear and understand.”
― Ross W. Greene, The Explosive Child: A New Approach for Understanding and Parenting Easily Frustrated, Chronically Inflexible Children

“If your child isn’t following through, it’s probably not because she won’t but because she can’t.”
― Ross W. Greene, The Explosive Child: A New Approach for Understanding and Parenting Easily Frustrated, Chronically Inflexible Children

“QUESTION: What if my child and I agree on a solution and then she won’t do what she agreed to? ANSWER: As you’ve read, that’s usually a sign that the solution wasn’t as realistic and mutually satisfactory as you may have first thought. That’s not a catastrophe, just a reminder that the first solution to a problem often doesn’t get the job”
― Ross W. Greene, The Explosive Child: A New Approach for Understanding and Parenting Easily Frustrated, Chronically Inflexible Children

“if the punishments a child has already received for their concerning behaviors haven’t put an end to these behaviors, it must be because the punishments didn’t cause the child enough pain. So, they add more pain.”
― Ross W. Greene, The Explosive Child: A New Approach for Understanding and Parenting Easily Frustrated, Chronically Inflexible Children

“it’s common for adults to be incorrect in their assumptions about what’s making it hard for a child to meet an expectation. If you enter the Empathy step quite certain that you already know his concern, you’re at risk for perfunctory drilling and/or for steering the ship toward a predetermined destination. But”
― Ross W. Greene, The Explosive Child: A New Approach for Understanding and Parenting Easily Frustrated, Chronically Inflexible Children

“Plan B consists of three steps or ingredients: The Empathy Step: Gathering information about and understanding what’s making it hard for your child to meet a given expectation. The Define Adult Concerns Step: Being specific about why it’s important that the expectation be met (how the problem is affecting the kid and/or others). The Invitation Step: Collaborating with your child to find a solution that is realistic and mutually satisfactory.”
― Ross W. Greene, The Explosive Child: A New Approach for Understanding and Parenting Easily Frustrated, Chronically Inflexible Children

“history has taught them that disagreements are always handled using Plan A.”
― Ross W. Greene, The Explosive Child: A New Approach for Understanding and Parenting Easily Frustrated, Chronically Inflexible Children

“Adults sometimes become impatient in the midst of Plan B and head for Plan A or Plan C.”
― Ross W. Greene, The Explosive Child: A New Approach for Understanding and Parenting Easily Frustrated, Chronically Inflexible Children

“it’s good for the kid and adult to acknowledge that the problem may require additional discussion, because there’s actually a decent chance that the first solution won’t solve the problem durably.”
― Ross W. Greene, The Explosive Child: A New Approach for Understanding and Parenting Easily Frustrated, Chronically Inflexible Children

“(“You sure you can do that? Let’s make sure we come up with a solution we can both do”).”
― Ross W. Greene, The Explosive Child: A New Approach for Understanding and Parenting Easily Frustrated, Chronically Inflexible Children

“the solution must be realistic (meaning both parties can actually do what they’re agreeing to do) and mutually satisfactory (meaning the solution truly and logically addresses the concerns of both parties).”
― Ross W. Greene, The Explosive Child: A New Approach for Understanding and Parenting Easily Frustrated, Chronically Inflexible Children

“When you use Plan B, you do so with the understanding that the solution is not predetermined. If you already know how the problem is going to be solved before you start trying to solve it, then you’re not using Plan B . . . you’re using a “clever” form of Plan A. Plan B is not just a “clever” form of Plan A. Plan B is collaborative, Plan A is unilateral.”
― Ross W. Greene, The Explosive Child: A New Approach for Understanding and Parenting Easily Frustrated, Chronically Inflexible Children

“Many parents, in their eagerness to solve the problem, forget the Invitation step. This means that just as they are at the precipice of actually collaborating on a solution, they impose a solution. Too often we assume that the only person capable of coming up with a good solution to a problem is the adult.”
― Ross W. Greene, The Explosive Child: A New Approach for Understanding and Parenting Easily Frustrated, Chronically Inflexible Children

“I wonder if there’s a way for us to help you find the words to start each section . . .” (that was the kid’s concern) “. . . and still make sure you get some practice at doing that so it won’t always be so hard for you and so that you can express your really good ideas” (that was the adult’s concern).”
― Ross W. Greene, The Explosive Child: A New Approach for Understanding and Parenting Easily Frustrated, Chronically Inflexible Children