Siblings Without Rivalry Quotes

“It’s important to make a distinction between allowing feelings and allowing actions,” I replied. “We permit children to express all their feelings. We don’t permit them to hurt each other. Our job is to show them how to express their anger without doing damage.”
― Adele Faber, Siblings Without Rivalry: How to Help Your Children Live Together So You Can Live Too

“INSTEAD OF DISMISSING NEGATIVE FEELINGS ABOUT A SIBLING, ACKNOWLEDGE THE FEELINGS.”
― Adele Faber, How To Talk: Siblings Without Rivalry

“To be loved equally,” I continued, “is somehow to be loved less. To be loved uniquely—for one’s own special self—is to be loved as much as we need to be loved.”
― Adele Faber, Siblings Without Rivalry: How to Help Your Children Live Together So You Can Live Too

“The passion and excitement you feel about a child’s achievement should be saved for a moment when just the two of you are together. It’s too much for the other siblings to have to listen to.”
― Adele Faber, Siblings Without Rivalry: How to Help Your Children Live Together So You Can Live Too

“Imagine,” I thought, “a world in which brothers and sisters grow up in homes where hurting isn’t allowed; where children are taught to express their anger at each other sanely and safely; where each child is valued as an individual, not in relation to the others; where cooperation, rather than competition is the norm; where no one is trapped in a role; where children have daily experience and guidance in resolving their differences.”
― Adele Faber, Siblings Without Rivalry: How to Help Your Children Live Together So You Can Live Too

“Schedule family meetings. You wouldn’t expect your car to run without periodic refueling and maintenance, yet we expect our family unit to run without regular checkups. The most enthusiastic endorsement for family meetings comes from parents and children who have experienced them. One teenager told us, “It’s a great way to make sure tensions never build up. We sit around and talk about family activities, chores, who wants to do what, who wants to trade off what, who’s bothered by what.” His mother added, “It’s a time for all of us to think creatively about what we need for ourselves and how we can be supportive of each other.”
― Adele Faber, Siblings Without Rivalry: How to Help Your Children Live Together So You Can Live Too

“1. Start by acknowledging the children’s anger towards each other. That alone should help calm them. 2. Listen to each child’s side with respect. 3. Show appreciation for the difficulty of the problem. 4. Express faith in their ability to work out a mutually agreeable solution. 5. Leave the room.”
― Adele Faber, Siblings Without Rivalry: How to Help Your Children Live Together So You Can Live Too

“Insisting upon good feelings between the children led to bad feelings. Acknowledging bad feelings between the children led to good feelings.”
― Adele Faber, Siblings Without Rivalry: How to Help Your Children Live Together So You Can Live Too

“You’ll never go wrong if you describe what you think the child might be feeling (‘You must be so proud of yourself!’) or what the child has accomplished (‘A lot of practice and perseverance went into winning that medal’).”
― Adele Faber, Siblings Without Rivalry: How to Help Your Children Live Together So You Can Live Too

“Children often experience praise of a brother or sister as a put-down of themselves. They automatically translate, ‘Your brother is so considerate’ into ‘Mom thinks I’m not.’ It’s a good idea to save our enthusiastic comments for the ear of the deserving child.”
― Adele Faber, Siblings Without Rivalry: How to Help Your Children Live Together So You Can Live Too

“Insisting upon good feelings between the children led to bad feelings. Acknowledging bad feelings between the children led to good feelings. A circuitous route to sibling harmony. And yet, the most direct.”
― Adele Faber, Siblings Without Rivalry: How to Help Your Children Live Together So You Can Live Too

“Not till the bad feelings come out can the good ones come in.”
― Adele Faber, Siblings Without Rivalry: How to Help Your Children Live Together So You Can Live Too

“To help everyone better understand the difference between giving equally with measured amounts, and giving uniquely, in terms of each child’s legitimate needs, I handed out the following illustrations:”
― Adele Faber, Siblings Without Rivalry: How to Help Your Children Live Together So You Can Live Too

“Imagine,” I thought, “a world in which brothers and sisters grow up in homes where hurting isn’t allowed; where children are taught to express their anger at each other sanely and safely; where each child is valued as an individual, not in relation to the others; where cooperation, rather than competition is the norm; where no one”
― Adele Faber, Siblings Without Rivalry: How to Help Your Children Live Together So You Can Live Too

“My son never seems to be able to see things from his sister's point of view. Lately I've been asking him, “How would you like it if she did that to you?” But he never answers me. Why is that? The question puts him on the spot. Were he to answer you honestly, he'd have to admit that he wouldn't like it. If you want your son to be able to consider another point of view, make a simple statement that gives him credit: “I'm sure you can imagine how that would feel if that were done to you.” Now he has to think, “Can I imagine it? What would it feel like?” But he doesn't have to answer to anyone except himself. And that's good enough.”
― Adele Faber, How To Talk: Siblings Without Rivalry

“To be loved uniquely—for one’s own special self—is to be loved as much as we need to be loved.”
― Adele Faber, Siblings Without Rivalry: How to Help Your Children Live Together So You Can Live Too

“treating our children, not as they are, but as we hoped they would become.”
― Adele Faber, Siblings Without Rivalry: How to Help Your Children Live Together So You Can Live Too

“Describe what you see “I see a brand new jacket on the floor.” or Describe what you feel “That bothers me.” or Describe what needs to be done “This jacket belongs in the closet.”
― Adele Faber, Siblings Without Rivalry: How to Help Your Children Live Together So You Can Live Too

“But I didn’t say any of that. I did a complete turnaround.”
― Adele Faber, Siblings Without Rivalry: How to Help Your Children Live Together So You Can Live Too

“The only thing that is necessary is that we take another look at the less favored child, seek out her specialness, then reflect the wonder of it back to her.”
― Adele Faber, Siblings Without Rivalry: How to Help Your Children Live Together So You Can Live Too

“if we want to stop showing favoritism, we first have to be aware that we feel it. We need to be honest enough to admit the truth to ourselves. Knowing our bias immediately puts us in a better position to protect our “less favored children”; and it helps us protect our favored child, as well, from the pressure of having to maintain his position and from the inevitable hostility of his siblings.”
― Adele Faber, Siblings Without Rivalry: How to Help Your Children Live Together So You Can Live Too

“There will be times when that will be the obvious and right thing to do. All I want to point out is that if you decide not to give equally, for whatever reason, that’s all right too. The children who fail to receive won’t go under. Your understanding and acceptance of their disappointment will help them to deal with life’s inequities.”
― Adele Faber, Siblings Without Rivalry: How to Help Your Children Live Together So You Can Live Too

“parents in the group were as unprepared as I for the antagonism between their children. Even now, years later, as I sit here leading my first workshop on sibling rivalry, I realize how little has changed. People can’t”
― Adele Faber, Siblings Without Rivalry: How to Help Your Children Live Together So You Can Live Too

“a solution that was fair to all. (I said it, but I didn’t”
― Adele Faber, Siblings Without Rivalry: How to Help Your Children Live Together So You Can Live Too