Opening Up Quotes

“Nonmonogamous folks recognize that during a lifetime you can and will be attracted to other people even if you are in a wonderful, fulfilling relationship; they make room in their relationship for these attractions rather than allow them to cause anxiety, jealousy, and unreasonable expectations.”
― Tristan Taormino, Opening Up: A Guide to Creating and Sustaining Open Relationships

“Nonmonogamous folks are constantly engaged in their relationships: they negotiate and establish boundaries, respect them, test them, and, yes, even violate them. But the limits are not assumed or set by society; they are consciously chosen.”
― Tristan Taormino, Opening Up: A Guide to Creating and Sustaining Open Relationships

“Open marriage thus can be defined as a relationship in which the partners are committed to their own and to each other's growth. It is an honest and open relationship of intimacy and self-disclosure based on the equal freedom and identity of both partners.”
― Tristan Taormino, Opening Up: A Guide to Creating and Sustaining Open Relationships

“This is the myth of finding "the One": the one partner you're "meant" to be with, your soul mate, your Prince Charming, the girl of your dreams. Nonmonogamous folks reject this myth and acknowledge that no one person can be, or should be expected to be, everything for another.”
― Tristan Taormino, Opening Up: A Guide to Creating and Sustaining Open Relationships

“Open relationships can give you the freedom to create unique relationships, explore yourself and your sexuality, and challenge society's expectations.”
― Tristan Taormino, Opening Up: A Guide to Creating and Sustaining Open Relationships

“Honestly, everyone loves more than one person and people often lie about that. We’re just not lying about it’…”
― Tristan Taormino, Opening Up: A Guide To Creating and Sustaining Open Relationships

“EXERCISE Creating Authentic Relationships The questions below deal with issues most people take for granted and let society define for them. You can start with a blank canvas and create your own definitions. • How do you define intimacy and closeness? • What constitutes a relationship for you? • Are there different types of relationships you wish you could have? • How long should a significant relationship last? • What is sex? Is it intercourse? Is it more specific: penis-in-vagina or penis-in-ass intercourse? What about manual stimulation and penetration, oral sex, sex toys, BDSM play? • What kinds of things do you consider intimate? Sex, sexual touch, genital contact, a BDSM scene with no sexual aspect? • Must you live near a partner for a relationship to be important? • How do you define fidelity? • What constitutes loving, affectionate, sexual, and romantic behavior? Where do things like flirting, kissing, love letters, gift giving, dating, courting, phone calls, emails, and instant messages fit into your definitions? • What does commitment mean to you? How do you define a committed relationship? • What are the most important things you need in a relationship? • How important is it for you to live with a partner? • Realistically , how much time and energy do you have to give to a relationship?  ”
― Tristan Taormino, Opening Up: A Guide To Creating and Sustaining Open Relationships

“People in open relationships enjoy exploring different dynamics with different people-sexual, emotional, psychological, and spiritual. Non-monogamy gives them the opportunity to create unique relationships that nourish and support each other.”
― Tristan Taormino, Opening Up: A Guide to Creating and Sustaining Open Relationships

“Another [interviewee] told me that because her relationships aren't built on false ideas about exclusivity forever, she feels more cherished by her partners; she said, "There is an investment in what we have rather than what we should have.”
― Tristan Taormino, Opening Up: A Guide to Creating and Sustaining Open Relationships

“Jealousy is really an umbrella term for a constellation of feelings including envy, competitiveness, insecurity, inadequacy, possessiveness, fear of abandonment, feeling unloved, and feeling left out. To say simply “I am jealous” is far too vague, since it means different things to different people and it manifests itself in so many diverse ways.”
― Tristan Taormino, Opening Up: A Guide to Creating and Sustaining Open Relationships

“You can't plan for everything: obstacles will still come up that you never talked about-that it never even occurred to you to discuss. Issues that you never anticipated will push your buttons. Behavior that you thought wouldn't make you jealous will. So, consider as many details as you can beforehand, and be ready for new ones to pop up.”
― Tristan Taormino, Opening Up: A Guide to Creating and Sustaining Open Relationships

“Eli likes to explore with other people different kinds of sex that his partner doesn't enjoy; he says, 'It enables me to show different aspects of my sexuality to those who appreciate them most.”
― Tristan Taormino, Opening Up: A Guide to Creating and Sustaining Open Relationships

“It is a relationship that is flexible enough to allow for change and that is constantly being renegotiated in the light of changing needs, consensus in decision-making, acceptance and encouragement of individual growth, and openness to new possibilities for growth.”
― Tristan Taormino, Opening Up: A Guide to Creating and Sustaining Open Relationships

“One study showed that an individual in an open relationship tends to be "individualistic, an academic achiever, creative, nonconforming, stimulated by complexity and chaos, inventive, relatively unconventional and indifferent to what others said, concerned about his/her own personal values and ethical systems, and willing to take risks to explore possibilities." Because open relationships require well-developed relationship skills, people in them tend to have more self-awareness, better communication skills and a better sense of self.”
― Tristan Taormino, Opening Up: A Guide to Creating and Sustaining Open Relationships

“[I}t is more common that people are monogamous not by choice, but by default.”
― Tristan Taormino, Opening Up: A Guide to Creating and Sustaining Open Relationships

“If the conversation is about one partner’s jealousy or other intense feelings, your first goal should be to listen. Reassure her of your commitment to the relationship. At the moment when a partner is having intense feelings such as hurt, insecurity, jealousy, or betrayal, acknowledge those feelings, validate and respect them, even if you don’t understand them. Don’t try to talk anyone out of how they’re feeling with rational arguments; telling them why they shouldn’t feel a certain way will get you nowhere. A more objective opinion and reassurances about what’s going on from your perspective can come later.”
― Tristan Taormino, Opening Up: A Guide To Creating and Sustaining Open Relationships

“It would be unwise to agree to nonmonogamy for the following reasons or with these hidden motives: • You’re so in love with the person that while your gut is telling you no, you decide to say yes and will deal with it later. • You believe your partner likes the idea as an abstract concept, but it won’t actually happen. • You agree to it, but secretly know you’ll be “enough” for your partner and she won’t ever want anyone else. • Although your partner has said he is nonmonogamous by nature, you know you can change him. • You think it’s just a phase and she’ll get over it.”
― Tristan Taormino, Opening Up: A Guide To Creating and Sustaining Open Relationships

“There has to be a kind of gravitational pull toward each other. If all of your focus is on yourselves, you’re just going to fly off in different directions, and there’s not going to be a relationship. I think a commitment to kindness can be the gravity that keeps you in orbit.”
― Tristan Taormino, Opening Up: A Guide To Creating and Sustaining Open Relationships

“Telling the truth is not always easy, especially when you feel that the disclosure will hurt someone you love. But withholding information to protect someone is not only unfair to them, it is counterproductive to the relationship.”
― Tristan Taormino, Opening Up: A Guide To Creating and Sustaining Open Relationships

“Jealousy is really an umbrella term for a constellation of feelings including envy, competitiveness, insecurity, inadequacy, possessiveness, fear of abandonment, feeling unloved, and feeling left out.”
― Tristan Taormino, Opening Up: A Guide To Creating and Sustaining Open Relationships

“Work to achieve balance, rather than equality. This is not simply a matter of semantics; there is a difference. Balance means that everyone is generally getting their needs met; no one is compromising too much or feeling too limited by the agreement. All partners have agreed to priorities concerning the time and energy they dedicate to the relationship, and each partner’s actions reflect these priorities. No one feels taken advantage of.”
― Tristan Taormino, Opening Up: A Guide To Creating and Sustaining Open Relationships

“Those who talk most about the blessings of marriage and the constancy of its vows are the very people who declare that if the chain were broken and the prisoners left free to choose, the whole social fabric would fly asunder. You cannot have the argument both ways. If the prisoner is happy, why lock him in? If he is not, why pretend that he is? —George Bernard Shaw”
― Tristan Taormino, Opening Up: A Guide To Creating and Sustaining Open Relationships

“It’s very easy to be distracted by all the good feelings that come with having sex with someone for the first time, or getting to know a new sexual partner. You can get caught up in the giddy feelings, become focused on the outside sex and the outside partners, and take your primary relationship for granted.”
― Tristan Taormino, Opening Up: A Guide To Creating and Sustaining Open Relationships

“Buxton says that when one partner in a marriage comes out as gay, lesbian, or bisexual, about a third of the couples break up right away, a third break up after about two years, and a third stay married indefinitely.3 We don’t know a whole lot about that last third—the more than 30 percent of mixed-orientation marriages that remain intact. From the research I’ve read, many of them are negotiating open relationships, but few consider themselves polyamorous or identify with or seek out a nonmonogamous community. As a result, they are left out of significant discussions about nonmonogamy. Research and writing on this topic (including Buxton’s) makes a point of distinguishing between partners who come out as gay or lesbian and partners who come out as bisexual. Those are individual identity choices; I am less concerned with how a person identifies and more interested in the relationship between the straight spouse and the nonstraight spouse, because that ultimately determines what style of open relationship will work for them. Some couples remain primary partners and continue to have a sexual relationship, while others end the sexual element of their partnership. In one of Buxton’s studies, the straight husband of a bisexual woman wrote: “I compare my wife and me to a glove with fingers that fit absolutely perfect. It’s the thumb that is just wrong. The more we struggle to make the thumb fit, the worse off we make the fingers. If we free ourselves to adjust the gloves for our thumbs, then the fingers return to their old wonderful fit.”4”
― Tristan Taormino, Opening Up: A Guide To Creating and Sustaining Open Relationships

“Buxton says that when one partner in a marriage comes out as gay, lesbian, or bisexual, about a third of the couples break up right away, a third break up after about two years, and a third stay married indefinitely.3 We don’t know a whole lot about that last third—the more than 30 percent of mixed-orientation marriages that remain intact. From the research I’ve read, many of them are negotiating open relationships, but few consider themselves polyamorous or identify with or seek out a nonmonogamous community. As a result, they are left out of significant discussions about nonmonogamy. Research and writing on this topic (including Buxton’s) makes a point of distinguishing between partners who come out as gay or lesbian and partners who come out as bisexual. Those are individual identity choices; I am less concerned with how a person identifies and more interested in the relationship between the straight spouse and the nonstraight spouse, because that ultimately determines what style of open relationship will work for them. Some couples remain primary partners and continue to have a sexual relationship, while others end the sexual element of their partnership.”
― Tristan Taormino, Opening Up: A Guide To Creating and Sustaining Open Relationships

“The truth is, many people do not consciously choose monogamy; society chooses it for them, and it becomes the default.”
― Tristan Taormino, Opening Up: A Guide to Creating and Sustaining Open Relationships